You guys, I’m getting a little worried about Dammit Todd. I haven’t seen him in a while (still never met the imaginary girlfriend either), and I just heard about the possible looming bacon shortage. Dammit Todd once delivered a truly moving monologue on the versatility of bacon, how it’s smoky flavor contributes something to every single food group, how everything is simply better with bacon. I challenged him on that, purchasing something called a Chocolate Bacon Bar, and offered it for a taste test. His judgment? Incredibly angry that I also invited others join in the taste test, thus forcing him to share the Chocolate Bacon Bar which he clearly did not want to do. I guess bacon does make everything taste better.
I hope he pulls through this devastation. I imagine he will look gaunt and slightly emaciated once the ordeal is over but I have faith in his strength (and the support of his imaginary girlfriend). Actually, I feel for all meatatarians during this time of famine. Godspeed, men. Push through. I wish you well on this journey.
While I am on the subject of Dammit Todd and his absence from my life, I’m going to tell you calmly and sedately that my car broke again. The most dramatic I will get about it is this: THIS MAKES NUMBER FIVE! IN FOUR MONTHS TIME! In this instance I could have really used myself some Dammit Todd as the fix required the jacking up of my car and the screwing in of some bolts onto some pan thingy or other. But I found myself a replacement Dammit Todd who Ima call MacGyver (because something about that name implies being good at fixing stuff with baling wire and bubble gum, I don’t know why, do you?). MacGyver manfully jacked up that car, whipped out an electric drill and drilled away on the pan thingy. He hollered from underneath the car, “Gimme something plastic to screw this bolt into!” His (non-imaginary) girlfriend dug through her purse and handed him the first thing she found.
Use what you have, people. That is today’s lesson. Use what you have.
Tomorrow we talk football. Prepare yourselves.
Love, Jimmie 