So That Went Well

I casually mentioned to you recently that I had to have a biopsy due to some questionable cells found upon my person. I reiterate, I am fine.  I know I am fine.  I just have to prove that I am fine.  To prove that I am fine, I had to visit a new cookie doctor, remove half of my clothing to don the fetching paper towel they call a gown, and clamber onto a paper-covered table.  For this privilege I will clean out my HSA plus what remains of my emergency fund and hand it over to the nice new cookie doctor I just bawled all over.

(While we are discussing “bawling,” please note the spelling of the word “bawling.” People who write notes under the touching and tear-jerker videos you find on Facebook or Reddit are not “balling.”  They are “bawling.”  Unless, of course, they are “balling,” and then that’s a whole ‘nother discussion we should not have here.)

For twenty-five years I have faithfully and annually donned that damned paper towel, and for twenty-four of those years I have cried like someone just ran over my dog. 2014 was the year I did not “bawl” and if I knew what was different about 2014, I’d write a novella about it.  Twice in those twenty-five years I have had to don the fetching paper towel a second and third time in order to have a biopsy.  Both times those doctors insisted that the biopsy, nothing you can be numbed for, only feels like small cramps.  Also, both times those doctors indicated to me that they never personally experienced a cervical biopsy before.  To them I’d kindly like to say, “Fuck you. After you let some person whose first name you are not allowed to use scrape a metal rake down your cervix whilst you are wearing a paper gown that ripped down the middle because your tears rendered it soggy and defunct, you can tell me how it is supposed to feel.  Until then, shut your yap and bring me a new paper towel.”

You can see from my essay that this particular visit went well.

Actually, you know what? I lived through it. It is over.  It only took 36 hours for my eyes to return to normal after the crying, and my boss brought me flowers because she is nice.  I have no complaints.  Except this.

When I left the cookie doctor’s office, I trudged down to my car carrying my umbrella while the rain poured over me. I collapsed into my car, turned it on for some heat, put it in reverse and then realized I had no idea how to get to work from the hospital.  I dug out my phone and sat in my space while I fat-fingered my office address into my GPS.  It was hard to see and I was still hiccupping from all the crying so I was not at my best.  After a few minutes of mistyping the address, I heard a faint tap of a car horn.  I looked behind me and saw an SUV with its turn signal on, clearly waiting for my parking space.  It was a nice space, close to the hospital door and with less of a walk through the rain.

Instead of reacting like a sane person would, I was catapulted into a violent rage. I powered my window down, shoved nearly my whole body out the car window and yelled obscenities at the SUV while giving it multiple single-digit finger waves that would make my grandmother spank my behind a thousand times.  I jerked my foot off the brake and tore out of that space at a speed not humanly possible, screaming at the SUV the whole way, finger out the window.  I jerked myself all over the parking lot until I got lost in it (yes, I know), and then finally found my way back to the row the SUV was now parked in.  Angry does not begin to describe what I felt.

Then I saw him. The man who climbed out of the SUV was black. He was overweight.  He had his hair cornrowed back in braids and he walked with a limp towards the door.  He was wearing a uniform jacket, one of the navy ones that zips up the front.  He was just a man.  Probably a very nice man who simply wondered if I was actually going to reverse out of the space as I was indicating by having my reverse lights on.  He saw me looking at him, just sitting in my car and crying in the rain, and he looked away and kept walking.

If you thought I cried before, you’d be shocked at the tears I produced then. I can barely type this today without crying.  Scratch that.  I’m “bawling” as I type this and I still feel like utter shit.  What if he was going to visit his wife in that hospital?  What if he was having a health scare of his own?  What if – it doesn’t matter.  This was a human, a person of value, a man worth my love and not my hate and I just treated him in a way that embarrasses me and in a way that no one should find acceptable.  Ever.  I’d give anything to be able to find him again and apologize and do something nice for him so that he’d have a good day instead of the crappy awful one I tried to give him. God, please, I hope I didn’t ruin his day.

I’ll get my results in just over two weeks and I’ll happily let you know I am fine. In the interim, I’m going to find some people who look like they are having a day straight from the garbage can and I’m going to do my damnedest to turn their garbage day back into a good one. I’ll do it for that man and I’ll do it because it is the right thing to do.  I’d like to act like a human for a while.  Maybe it will get back to him and he will find some anonymous good in a perfect stranger who did a tiny human thing that makes his day.

Amen. Please, God, Amen.

How To Win Over and Influence Your Owner. A Guest Post by Seamus.


Person has the treats. Did you know this? I learned it when Person bought me.  I thought they appeared on my scratcher after I finished my nap under the bed.  One day I got behind the refrigerator and got stuck (must lose weight) and she sat on the floor looking at me for an hour and she had treats in her hand!  I wouldn’t dare eat them from her hand because then she would know I knew they came from her, plus I was wedged in there pretty tight.  Some guy with a furry face had to move the refrigerator before I could get out but after that when I found treats on my scratcher, I knew they came from her.

This complicates things. I thought there was a treat fairy but it’s Person.  I’m not sure I like her, really.  How do I get more treats from Person?

After thinking about this for a few years, I have devised a plan to get more treats. You can use this too with great success.

  1. Wind your body around her legs. You don’t have to get close or actually touch her, because horrors! But, if you kind of twist your way in a figure eight near her, she will see this as a sign of affection and give more treats!
  2. Groom her. This usually involves stuffing your face into her hair but horrors! It is so close! You can trick her by separating with your claw two or three hairs from the wad on the pillow and then lick those with great fervor. She will see this as a sign of affection and give more treats!
  3. Greet her at the door when she comes in from Outside. Meow firmly. Do not back down. When she makes noise at you with her mouth, this is a sign that she hears you and is going to give treats! In case she forgets, run from the door to the scratcher and meow firmly the whole way. She sees this as affection and gives more treats! Note: sometimes the couch gets in the way. Pay attention to it! It hurts your head when you hit it and makes you forget to meow.
  4. When she wakes up in the morning is the best time to remind her you have had no treats in a really long time. Also when she goes to the bathroom. Also when she comes in from Outside. Also when she climbs into the bed. By the way, did you know that on the bed is better than under the bed? It’s so nice up there and I don’t get stuck!
  5. The last trick is the hardest one. Use it as a last resort when she’s being very stingy with the treats. Climb onto the bed when she is there. Sit next to her and stare. You would think that she would see that as affection and give more treats! It doesn’t work but it’s a good start. What you have to do next is reach out with your paw and tap her arm. Murphy does it all the time and she whaps him on the head a lot when he does it which he says is affection, but lame. No treats there. Anyway, after she whaps your head a lot, crawl in between her body and her arm and purr. She sees this as affection and gives more treats!! BE VERY CAREFUL! You can be lulled into a false sense of security while lying there and go to sleep. Do not put your head down under any circumstances or you will wake yourself up by snoring too loud after a long time of sleeping. Humiliating. I was drooling. Horrors!

This will work for you. Try these plans.  The end.



Editor’s Note: These do not work.  Seamus gets no more treats now than he ever did although it is pretty cute to watch him try so hard for them.  Also, he likes me!  He really likes me!