And Then It Wasn’t

Ashley, Dammit Todd’s girlfriend and winner of my giveaway (the prize is coming!  Really, really!), asked for an update on Slim.  She is adorable.  I don’t usually take requests but I’m going to venture to say that’s because no one ever makes any.  This is all so unprecedented.

Because Ashley asked, and because I have a story to tell, I’m complying with her request and giving you an update.  You know how girls are.  We want to moon over all the new stuff we discover about our person and because I’m mouthy and a wide open book, you know I was just looking for any excuse to share it with you.

I love the feeling of a new relationship.  It’s so hopeful and fresh.  You spend so much time getting to know each other, and although Slim and I were friends first, we still have a lot to discover about each other.  I never asked all my girlie questions of him, like “what’s your favorite color” and “why are you so cute” and “tell me again when things changed for you” because we were just friends and that would have been weird.  I couldn’t hold his hand unless I was about to fall down but in a new relationship, you hold hands all the time.  You spend a lot of time thinking about Slim and he about you and you text each other schmoopy stuff on the reg.  It makes one giddy and we laugh a lot.  My happy knows no bounds.

I also spend a lot of time flirting with Slim and because he is hopeless at flirting, he spends a lot of time being practical with me.  He began buying paper towels for me by the 6 pack instead of the single pack (paper towels are his thing), and I am now fully stocked in batteries and super glue.  He calls me every time he goes to the store to ask if I need anything.

“Just you,” is my standard reply and then we both grin like idiots.

There’s other stuff that we say to each other but I know boys read this blog as well as girls so I will spare you those details.  As time passes, I realize I was right to wait for this.  This is something worth waiting for.

It was anyway.

As it turns out, Slim and I are no longer a couple.  He is no longer my person, and this was not my choice.  The man who told me good night every single night without fail has now stopped all communication and virtually disappeared from my life.  Had I been notified this was coming, I’d have been better prepared.  Instead, I was blindsided and left with a million questions, the foremost being “Why?!”  Lest you worry, he’s fine.  Everyone tells me he’s fine.  Everyone except Slim, that is.

As a whole, I believe I’m authentic here.  I’ve not been afraid to lay it all on the line in an effort to get something off my chest or share my life with you, whether good, bad, or barfy (Murphy!).  The thing is, I’m not sure how raw I want to be here now.  I’m not sure that if I get this all out I’ll be able to reel it back in when I’m better and less beat up.  Truthfully, I feel like I owe you an apology.  Everyone likes to read about new love, the happy story, and I really thought I had a story to tell.  I waited so long for it and I was so sure.  Turns out, I don’t have anything happy to say at all.

Right now I feel . . . . . gray . . . .  Bland.  Flavorless.   For the second time in my life, I have no appetite.  I eat because I’m supposed to and I laugh because it is expected and I do the daily grind because it makes the end of the day come faster.  Someone once said that things were more fun when I was around and asked me to attend some function so I could bring “me”.  I get that.  I try to have fun, to be joyous, to make others feel welcome and appreciated.  I understand that my personality is big and bold yet the thought of being “on” right now makes me tired.  I’m tired.  I don’t want to be on.  I want to . . . . . I don’t even know.  I’m not happy in my house.  I’m not happy out of my house.  I’m uncomfortable everywhere.  I’m not gutted, but I do have a constant rock in the pit of my stomach and it feels awful.

I’m trying very hard not to make this about me, how I’m less and not good enough and undateable and old and never thin enough and mouthy.  Rejected.  Hopeless.  I’m trying to understand that this transition was hard on Slim, a man who gives his servant’s heart to everyone and takes nothing in return.  I’m doing my best to realize that he is likely hurting, too, that he feels depleted by the demands made of him and that perhaps there is nothing left in the coffers to give.  I’m trying, but I’ve taken a hit and don’t feel like coming up swinging.  I guess I just want to lie down and sleep and ask that my brain be wiped clean.  No memories.  No hope.  No nothing.  Just sleep, and I’m sad to say that I can’t even do that.

I’m sorry for those of you looking for a happy update.  I’d give anything to be able to accommodate you.  I wish I could have ended this on a disgustingly sappy note, the kind that makes you want to stick your finger down your throat but also the kind that makes you longingly remember what your relationship was like when it was new.  I can’t, though, and that’s that.

If you see Slim and you want to yell, please don’t.  Don’t be too hard on him.  He’s living without me now.  It can’t be easy.  Right?  Somebody tell me it can’t be easy.

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. crayolaj74
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 07:37:09

    It’s probably best if I don’t see him, then. And yes, he must be miserable without you, I know I would be.

    Reply

  2. Vonnie
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 07:37:35

    This I know, God has decided, for a reason you may never know, that Slim wasn’t the guy for you. That means that God has an even better guy out there just waiting to meet you.

    I love you and know it wouldn’t be easy for me to live without you in my life.

    Chin up, young person.

    Reply

  3. Freddie
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 07:41:46

    You are amazing and I love you and he does, too. I’m sure in his own way, he’s doing this to try to protect you from something. He’s probably dying inside without you!

    Reply

  4. Anna Weissinger
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 10:08:34

    Amanda…give the guy a swift kick in the rear and go on with life. Been there. It only hurts for the first 40-45 years.

    Reply

  5. Auntie Anne
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 10:30:40

    He must be nuts–or, in fact, not good enough for you.

    But from what Susan told me, you two were champion talkers, so why haven’t you asked him to put the problem into words for you? She opines his silence may be because of his complicated family problems and his apparently strict religious views, but how can you be sure without asking? Even if all he can say is “I can’t talk about it,” at least you’ll have tried.

    Reply

    • jimmiesworld
      Feb 03, 2014 @ 11:06:15

      I have tried. I’ve reached out numerous times. He literally will not talk to me. He does not answer the phone, does not return texts, is nowhere around. If others had not seen him, I’d be certain he died on the side of the road as a John Doe.

      Reply

  6. sherry1983
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 12:04:49

    Sweet Sweet Jimmie…. I was sooo sadden to read this thie morning… Life without you is impossible. I struggle alot not seeing your pretty face around the office anymore… I only get a good laugh or smile from your on dear Jimmie, however I received a big frown this morning… I am sadden this happened… HOWEVER!!!!!!
    I so agree with the others… this was GODS plan to rid slim of your life the best to come… I am praying for you sweetie and know I am sending lots of love and prayers your way…. Please keep that pretty head up luv!

    Love always sherry

    Reply

  7. studiobukowski
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 14:52:31

    Nope, it can’t be easy. You are amazing, Jimmie. Such a big heart to give him so much grace. One of the reasons I love you!

    Reply

  8. lori
    Feb 03, 2014 @ 19:06:29

    Jimmie, I am saying this for the record. Whether it be 2 months, 8 months, 10 years or 20 years. This is never, ever easy. I was with my husband thru dating and marriage for over 20 years and I have been heartbroken after a few months time after him. The good news is that you will go on. And you will find Your Mr. Wonderful. And while that may not help now, it will in time. Hang tough and proud, because you are very worthy! I love you! And I miss ypu!

    Reply

  9. Roxanne
    Feb 04, 2014 @ 12:05:33

    Looks like you still have a ton of people to love and care for you; including me! I’m here if you need anything.

    Reply

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