You are cordially invited to Jimmie’s Singles Awareness Day Party!
Official Party Itinerary
February 14, 2015
Jimmie’s House
5:00 p.m. – 5:32 p.m.
Play Old Maid
5:34 p.m. – 6:01 p.m.
Arm Wrestle
6:02 p.m. – 6:15 p.m.
Bathroom Breaks
6:15 p.m. – Until bellies are distended p.m.
Dinner of chicken, pie and biscuits will be served*
When bellies are distended p.m. – Food coma onset p.m.
Play highly competitive board games, arm wrestle, not cuddle
Official Party Rules
No significant others allowed. If any invitee has even a whiff of a love interest, even as small as a tentative conversation wherein a member of the same or opposite sex has expressed the slightest modicum of romantic interest, the invitation is hereby revoked.
So that we are not a group of sad sacks with cold, black, anemic hearts, I am instituting a cover charge. Each attendee is to pay a single dollar bill or bring a single canned good item, all of which will be donated to the local food bank thereby ensuring that we love in action, i.e. with black beans and fruit cocktail, not in emotion, i.e. with hearts, flowers and chocolates.
*Several months ago I joined Costco through a Groupon offer which charged me the full price for membership but also gave me $20 in Costco bucks, and coupons for a free chicken, a free pie, and a free case of toilet paper. That sounded like a good weekend right there, so of course I snatched that up. Singles Awareness Day Party supplies for free!
P.S. Phranke has been invited and has accepted my party invitation. She expressed dismay in Pee-tah’s lack of invitation. “I really like him,” she said with some sadness. See, Pee-tah is now officially Off The Market as he is loved up with a new boyfriend. I, too, am disappointed but rules are rules. This is the price Pee-tah must pay for being loved up.
I am hardcore.
Let me know if you are coming. Got to make sure we have enough pie.
Love, Jimmie 
Feb 13, 2015 @ 13:56:51
If only I were 4 hours closer…
Feb 13, 2015 @ 14:22:39
Sadly, I am married. But if there was a direct correlation between amount of cleverness and number of suitable suitors, you would have many from which to choose.
“So that we are not a group of sad sacks with cold, black, anemic hearts, I am instituting a cover charge. Each attendee is to pay a single dollar bill or bring a single canned good item, all of which will be donated to the local food bank thereby ensuring that we love in action, i.e. with black beans and fruit cocktail, not in emotion, i.e. with hearts, flowers and chocolates.”
See what I mean?
Feb 13, 2015 @ 14:40:54
And let me just clarify that by “Sadly, I am married.” I meant “Sadly, I cannot attend because I’m married.” Lest anyone wrongly assume that there is no bliss in my weddedness.