How To Win Over and Influence Your Owner. A Guest Post by Seamus.

Hai.

Person has the treats. Did you know this? I learned it when Person bought me.  I thought they appeared on my scratcher after I finished my nap under the bed.  One day I got behind the refrigerator and got stuck (must lose weight) and she sat on the floor looking at me for an hour and she had treats in her hand!  I wouldn’t dare eat them from her hand because then she would know I knew they came from her, plus I was wedged in there pretty tight.  Some guy with a furry face had to move the refrigerator before I could get out but after that when I found treats on my scratcher, I knew they came from her.

This complicates things. I thought there was a treat fairy but it’s Person.  I’m not sure I like her, really.  How do I get more treats from Person?

After thinking about this for a few years, I have devised a plan to get more treats. You can use this too with great success.

  1. Wind your body around her legs. You don’t have to get close or actually touch her, because horrors! But, if you kind of twist your way in a figure eight near her, she will see this as a sign of affection and give more treats!
  2. Groom her. This usually involves stuffing your face into her hair but horrors! It is so close! You can trick her by separating with your claw two or three hairs from the wad on the pillow and then lick those with great fervor. She will see this as a sign of affection and give more treats!
  3. Greet her at the door when she comes in from Outside. Meow firmly. Do not back down. When she makes noise at you with her mouth, this is a sign that she hears you and is going to give treats! In case she forgets, run from the door to the scratcher and meow firmly the whole way. She sees this as affection and gives more treats! Note: sometimes the couch gets in the way. Pay attention to it! It hurts your head when you hit it and makes you forget to meow.
  4. When she wakes up in the morning is the best time to remind her you have had no treats in a really long time. Also when she goes to the bathroom. Also when she comes in from Outside. Also when she climbs into the bed. By the way, did you know that on the bed is better than under the bed? It’s so nice up there and I don’t get stuck!
  5. The last trick is the hardest one. Use it as a last resort when she’s being very stingy with the treats. Climb onto the bed when she is there. Sit next to her and stare. You would think that she would see that as affection and give more treats! It doesn’t work but it’s a good start. What you have to do next is reach out with your paw and tap her arm. Murphy does it all the time and she whaps him on the head a lot when he does it which he says is affection, but lame. No treats there. Anyway, after she whaps your head a lot, crawl in between her body and her arm and purr. She sees this as affection and gives more treats!! BE VERY CAREFUL! You can be lulled into a false sense of security while lying there and go to sleep. Do not put your head down under any circumstances or you will wake yourself up by snoring too loud after a long time of sleeping. Humiliating. I was drooling. Horrors!

This will work for you. Try these plans.  The end.

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Editor’s Note: These do not work.  Seamus gets no more treats now than he ever did although it is pretty cute to watch him try so hard for them.  Also, he likes me!  He really likes me!

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Jimmie Brags, Part Three: The Inside The Actor’s Studio Edition

I don’t know if you recall, but I was nominated for a blog award due in large part to my fine writing skills, yo, and I’ve handled that nomination with a certain amount of grace and gratitude. You will ignore the times I have brayed like a donkey about it. Anyway, the award has three facets, two of which were addressed here and here, and today I am addressing the third one.

For the final hurrah, I am to nominate 11 other blogs for this award and ask 11 questions of those writers. I thought about that for a while and decided, like everything else in my life, that I was going to handle this a little differently.

I’ve stolen 10 of my 11 questions from James Lipton of “Inside the Actors Studio” fame, who stole them from Bernard Pivot, the host of a French show call “Bouillon de Culture.” I then added one question of my own and asked the most actor-type person I know to answer them because nobody wants to look at a bunch of unanswered questions.

Ashley, of Dammit Todd and Ashley, once briefly appeared on an episode of “Nashville,” and today will serve as our guest. I, Jimmie Lipton, will be hosting. Please imagine us sitting in arm chairs on a stage, Ashley looking calm and casual as she talks about her work while the students cheer, and me gently asking questions with a Just-For-Men-colored goatee and a slight comb over.

Ashley, what is your favorite word?

Love. Yep, I’m a total sap.

What is your least favorite word?

I’ll keep this appropriate. Moist.

(Jimmie Lipton’s note: Solidarity, baby!)

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Walking on my Greenway.

(Jimmie Lipton’s note: Eerie, isn’t it? It’s like we are twins . . . )

What turns you off?

When I’m too busy.

What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck.

What sound or noise do you love?

Rain. And owls.

What sound or noise do you hate?

When someone is eating or chewing out loud.

(Jimmie Lipton’s note: Oh, hurk, yes, this!)

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I’d like to be a legal mediator.

What profession would you not like to do?

Storm chaser or maybe washing windows of skyscrapers.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Heaven does exist, and I’d like God to say something along the lines of . . . . “Come here my daughter.”

Finally, Ashley, tell us the nicest thing Dammit Todd ever did for you.

One of the most thoughtful things Todd has done for me was celebrating Easter with me. Why was that so thoughtful? Well it was thoughtful because he went out of his comfort zone and spent the day doing things he wouldn’t have on his own, but did because he knew it meant a lot to me. He went with me to my grandparents’ church and then to their house with more of my relatives he hadn’t met before. It’s not always easy to get Todd to mingle around a group of strangers ;), but he was very thoughtful that day.

Ashley.  Gorgeous, ain't she?

Ashley. Gorgeous, ain’t she?

And now for the 11 other blogs. These are people I think you should read, in no certain order. Some of them don’t fit the criteria for the nomination because they are too famous. Doesn’t matter, you should still read them because there is a reason they are famous.

Is That A Hair In My Biscuit – My sister, the creative one

JDaveRhea – My brother, the creative one, who probably has more credentials to do this than any of the rest of us

The Adventures, Musings and Rants of Nurse Bananahammock – Nurse Bananahammock who plays a nurse in real life

Run♥Yoga♥Love – You guys, this is Freddie! I don’t run and I don’t yoga but she writes so well I can’t help but read it

Bye Bye, Pie – This woman is hilarious and has the fortitude to do this every day

Posie Gets Cozy – This is probably the most peaceful thing you’ll see in your whole life

Ashley Quite Frankly – I have no idea how I even found this one but I like her

I Wanna Be A Writer – we have the same hometown, so every now and again, I know someone she talks about

Skinnytaste – where I get a ton of my recipes

Miss Doxie – she has not blogged in years but read the archives. You’ll pee on yourself.

Looks like that’s only ten but its not like you can take my award away because I’m short one.

Oh, wait, I forgot this blogger. ELEVEN, bitches!

Brittany, Herself – this girl will push your boundaries, and you’ll by turns be squeamish and awed

Bloggers, please accept this Liebster Award nomination and participate if you like. Feel free to steal my stolen questions and answer them on your own blog. Make sure you tag “Liebster Award” to get the views from everyone else participating.

Thanks, everyone, for playing along with me. This was fun!

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In Which I Write A Guest Post For Someone Else

A couple of weeks ago, I told you that I would link to a blog post I wrote for Martie, my sister. I didn’t do that because she didn’t post my blog right away, and then when she did, I had written up a bunch of stuff for you about my cruise. I’m not done talking about that yet – everybody knows that there is food galore on one of those ships and I MUST tell you about it – but in the interim, I thought you’d like to read about makeup. Boys, I know you cannot wait.

Anywho, below is the link to Martie’s blog but my writing. And while you are checking that out, Martie has an Etsy shop with some super nice stuff so check that out as well.

Martie’s Blog

Martie’s Shop

I’ll write at you again soon. SPOILER ALERT: I talk about chocolate!

Drama: Daisy’s Car – A Guest Post Of Sorts

The day I took my vehicle in to the shop to begin its lengthy and expensive repair process, Daisy sent me this email about her own car experience she had that very morning.

Daisy:  My brakes are making a bad grinding noise in either the front driver or passenger side.  Sounds like metal to metal grinding in the front.

Mechanic:  We checked your brakes and they look good.

Daisy:  What?  How is that possible?  I know the sound of metal grinding on metal.

Mechanic:  Miss Daisy, your brakes are still good.

Daisy:  Put new brakes on my car.

4 hours later

Mechanic:  Miss Daisy, we put new back brakes on your car and your car is ready.

Daisy:  Back brakes?  What about front brakes?  Do you remember me telling you this morning my front brakes were grinding?

Mechanic:  Well, I was wondering about that.  I took it for a test drive and when I pulled up there was a horrible grinding noise in the front brakes.  We inspected them and there was no brake pad left, just metal rubbing metal. 

Daisy:  Uh huh, right.  We discussed that this morning.  Why did you tell me my brakes were fine and then put new back brakes on?

Mechanic:  I can’t believe I made a mistake like this.   Did you know your front brakes were bad?

Daisy:  Hello, do you suffer from Alzheimer’s?   We talked about my front brakes this morning. 

Mechanic:  Do you want me to put new brakes on the front?  It’s metal to metal.   I will find every coupon I can and give you as many discounts that I’m allowed to give.

God bless America.  Jimmie, if you had a TV you might see me on the news this evening.  Did I have dollar bills shooting out of my butt when I dropped my car off?  WTH is wrong with these people? 

Hahahahahaaaaa, I love her.

Guest Post: Seamus. Journal Entries.

Monday

I can’t wait for Person to get up.  I want the sink.  Had no idea there was water in the sink.

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Tuesday

Person is taking forever to get out of bed.  The sink!  I want the sink! Water!

Wednesday

I know.  I will lie in the sink.  Person will surely get up now.

Thursday

The sink is my favorite place. So cozy.  I wish Person would stop grimacing in the mirror over the sink.  She’s hogging all my space.

Friday

I hear Person!  She’s going to the sink!  Must dash – she cannot think the sink is hers!

Saturday

Why do I not have thumbs?!  Person is very stingy with the water in the sink.  I know.  Will smother her in her sleep but must make sure the water is on before doing so.  All the water, all the sink, all mine!

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Huh.  Person misunderstood smothering and took pictures and told everyone that I was snuggling her because I was cold.  As if.

Sunday

Person is not here.  Dying.  Must get water from the sink.

Monday

Genius idea!  Will cuddle with Person and meow forcefully until she turns on water in the sink.

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Tuesday

Uh oh.  Person now thinks I love her, due to cuddling.  Very, very bad.  Must ignore person.  Will do some thinking in the sink.

Wednesday

Ha, ha, Person left the sink on the entire time she was in the shower.  Ha, ha, she is such a moron.

Thursday

Person invited someone over called Slim.  Slim uses my sink.  I hate Slim.

Nevermind.  Slim turned on the water.  I love Slim.

Friday

Person interrupted my nap in the sink.  I hate Person.

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Saturday

Person invited someone else over called Woney!  Woney uses my sink!  I hate Woney!

Sunday

Wait, I forgot.  I love Woney!  Cannot explain it but I love her.  Want to cuddle with her.  Does not compute.

Monday

Person laughed at me in the sink.  She took my picture.  Hate Person.

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Tuesday

Person laughed at me in the sink.  She took my picture.  Hate Person.

Seamus, weighing in at 14 pounds, give or take a bag of treats or two

Wednesday

Murphy tried to get in my sink.  I love Murphy. Hate Person.

Jimmie’s Note:  You guys! Seamus cuddled with me!  Murphy wasn’t even around and Seamus crawled up on the couch and cuddled with me!  He loves me.  I knew it.  He really, really loves me.

Seamus’s Note:  No I don’t. Hate Person.  Love sink.

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Guest Post: Dammit Todd, P.E. – A Rant

Proper Elevator Etiquette

If you’re trying to get on an elevator, wait until the people (all of the people) who are on said elevator get off of said elevator  Do not try and brush your way past like you are more important than God.  Do not stand idly six inches in front of the elevator doors making it difficult for me to exit, and generally making me feel the insatiable urge to punch you directly in that messed up lump you call a face.  Because even if you manage to gain access to your cherished chariot to the heavens above, you ain’t going any-f@#%*$#-where until I leave.  Consider yourself grounded.  That is all. 

Guest Post: Lucy Loo, Madre’s New Dog

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Hello!  We just had Christmas!  Here’s what I ate:

Book (Poppa was really mad)

Ping Pong Paddle (I barfed after that)

Jimmie’s Ear (She hit me on the nose)

Martie’s Chin (She hit me on the nose)

Jimmie’s Ribbon (She was mad)

The couch (Everybody was mad)

I also ate – look, another dog!  I want that dog!  Can I have that dog? . . . .  No one ever lets me have another dog! 

I ate:

The other dog’s ear (He was mad)

My leash (Madre was mad)

Puppy food!  (Why come no one was mad?)

Also, I ran! I ran! And sniffed! And ran and played! And! – zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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Editor’s Note:  Poppa is a patient man.  Lucy Loo was tearing through the house and made a mad leap from the floor of the living room onto the sofa, clipping Poppa in the face and knocking his glasses and hat off.  Poppa merely reached over and retrieved those items and put them back on.  Later, though, he whispered to me, “I’m tired of that damn dog.”  She’s awfully cute, but it’ll be great when she learns another speed besides “Tasmanian Devil” and “Coma”. 

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