Rump Shaper, Booty Blast, Shape Shaker – Ultimate Exercuses

Today’s topic, boys and girls, is exercise.  I’d love to be able to rhapsodize about it but honestly, I’m not sure I can.  I have more of a hate/indifferent/sometimes-like relationship with it.  You know what, though?  I’m going to give it a go.  Maybe that is how this post will end, one of those “you never know till you give it a try” sort of messages.  This might be the most positive thing I’ve ever written.  Is it scary that I don’t have an end point in mind yet?


Oh, this is gonna get wordy.  I can feel it. But I’m here to “Impart Wisdom” so let’s get to it.


How does one choose an exercise program, you ask.  Well, first you must be facing forty in a few years.  And you must have some extra curves that you want to get rid of.  It also helps if you have any kind of desire to actually BE healthy but honestly, age and fat will knock some sense right into you without all that “living healthy” garbage. 


There are many types of exercise programs out there.  You just have to pick something you like and that you can sustain.  Me, I get bored.  I try lots of things, most of which scare the pants off of me at first (not literally).  Currently I’m into the Body Pump/Spin/Running (read Jogging, slowly) phase of my life.  But I’ve gone through several phases over the last few years. 


You already know that I’m a devoted member of my local YMCA.  Before I joined the Y, though, I was the member of a girlie gym.  It was for women only and the program suggested attendance three times a week.  I enjoyed it, I suppose, and give them props for getting me started but after a year or so, I outgrew them.  I needed more.  Plus, the gym burned down so I guess my needing more really just meant I didn’t want to sift through the char and rubble to find a jump rope. 


I tried something called I Chi Chin (I think) with a former co-worker for a little while, mostly because he was completely stoked about it and asked me repeatedly to join him.  Let me kindly say that Tai Chi is not for me.  I felt like a complete dork what with all the hissy breathing.  Plus, people made fun of it (always behind his back) and that right there will cause an extra curvy, almost forty-year-old to have a re-think.  No, thank you.  Also, I have no desire to put my foot behind my head.  Ever.  So, pass.


Rickkster does a self defense-type thing.  The funny part about that isn’t the workout.  It’s what happens to him during the workout that makes me giggle.  Before we knew he was learning all these specific movements and tricks, we thought he was just getting lucky with a new girl because he had what looked like hickeys on his neck and we were all like, “Way to go, man.” But when he started coming in with bruises in odd places like the giant one on his forearm, we got a bit concerned.  “Rickkster – uh, is she large?  Is she mean? Beefy, maybe?” He finally told us that it was not a new girl but a self-defense class which in hindsight makes a lot more sense.  He’s scrappy but wiry so I think it is perfect for him.  Also, he mentioned that he might have been smushed against some girlie parts during the lessons so my guess is that Rickkster is completely happy with his workout choices.  Wow, total tangent there.  Anyway, self-defense is also not for me.  I don’t want hickeys and bruises and smushing up against girlie parts of any kind.  Plus I’m nearly 6 feet tall so I don’t really feel the need for any self-defense moves.  Pepper spray works just fine. 


For now I’ll stick with the running (jogging) thing.  I like it. And one day I will run a ½ marathon.  Just one.  I don’t want to get too crazy.


And what does one wear when working out, you ask.  I can tell you what not to wear, specifically if you are man.  If you choose running as your activity, the bicycle short is not for you.  Just no.  No.  N-O spells no.  Please.  I don’t care how seriously you take your running, there are no excuses in the world valid enough for you to showcase every nook and cranny, or bump, that you own in spandex.  Please, if you have any love at all for humanity, do not wear this garment and most especially, do not tuck your t-shirt into this garment. Same goes for those of you that wear the tiny flappy running shorts.  Imagination is a terrific thing. Let’s not ruin it by putting all you have on display, mkay?  Oh, and for the record, only Michael Phelps looks good in a Speedo.  No one else even needs to try.


And now for the ladies.  I can only speak with authority for the busty girl.  Get a harness, preferably one that does not skew uni-boob.  The objective here is to have something so tight and confining that you cannot breathe properly. Then and only then will you have enough support to not damage your eyes while running. If you have to sort of shimmy in and out of it with the help of some grease, even better.  You are now ready to tackle any method of bouncing, jogging, or movement you choose.  Oh, and get good shoes. 


Otherwise, I suppose you should just buy whatever you like.  I know I don’t look my best when working out but it does help to have a t-shirt that reads “You me” with the heart in red sequins. 


And who does one choose for workout partners, you ask.  Not the former co-worker who was so excited about putting his foot behind his head, I’ll tell you that right now.  Mostly because he has an odd grunting sniffle that sounds a bit like he’s strangling but that’s my personal hang-up, I suppose. 


Also, not people like Dammit Todd.  Dammit Todd can eat fast food for months and lie around on the couch being lazy for months and in one week will begin and excel in an exercise program that surpasses everything you ever wanted to accomplish in your entire life.  It isn’t fair. So to feel good about yourself and your accomplishments, let Dammit Todd go do his own thing while you go do your own. He currently subscribes to the “Body by the Hulk” program which was designed by a mutual friend who has arms bigger than my head.  I cannot sustain that kind of fortitude.


Funny story. When I first started walking in Nashville I was on the Greenway which is this really nice system of walking trails that run throughout the city.  Now this should come as no surprise to you, but I don’t meet a lot of strangers.  And one day I was walking along when a largish woman with a corkscrew-curl wig asked me if she could walk with me.  I had never seen her before but of course I said yes. I was fascinated by the wig and I like talking.  We plowed along getting to know each other and when we got to the big monster hill she started praying. She prayed all the way up the hill:  “Lord Jesus, help me up this hill.  Lord Jesus, please get me up this hill.  Lord Jesus, I need You now.”  It worked. She and I made it up that hill and still had enough breath to continue on.  I learned a valuable lesson that day.


Pick people that you like and that challenge you for workout partners.  I prefer Lynnette and Jane.  And Lord Jesus, seriously.  You should exercise with people that give you good encouragement and training.  Sometimes I call encouragement and training “yelling” but that’s usually when I’ve got PMS.  As you get better at it, it’s nice to be the one doing the encouraging and training.  It’s never called “yelling” then, but “motivation”. 


To end, I’ll tell you a story about my first and only 10K I’ve run thus far.  I had trained for it and really wanted to do it. But race day was cold and I was second-guessing myself.  Martie was there as were Coach, Lynnette, Jane, Pooh and Tigger.  And Martie gave me a scolding (which she calls “encouragement”) when I said that I would just do the 5K instead of the 10K because I wasn’t ready.  Because she’s the younger sister and because she’s bossy, I ran the 10K.  Towards the end of the race, I came to a sign that directed the 5K runners in one direction and the 10K runners in another longer direction, and right there I started to get teary-eyed.  I was tired.  I didn’t want to run anymore.  My chest hurt and my legs burned and I was wiped out.  But I didn’t cheat.  I sent up a tiny little prayer and I kept running.  I paused to walk about 20 steps up one hill but otherwise I ran the entire way.  And when I made it to the track for one lap around as the finish, I was just so proud.  I ran with all I had in me for that last lap and I crossed that finish line and I did not die.  And Martie, Lynnette, Coach, Jane, Pooh and Tigger were all right there, waiting on me.  We had all run races that day that challenged us, 1 mile and 5Ks and 10Ks. None of us died and we all completed our runs.  And it was amazing. 


See there?  I did get a positive message out of this after all.  And I thought I should share an email here from Quan, who I’m learning is quite wise:  I had a great workout last night…. Went home and took a 2 hour nap then ate pizza.  I feel great about it.


Sending best wishes to Jamie, Jane, Laura, Julie Ann, Judy, Ginny, Chandra and Christina.  Good luck on the half and whole marathons this weekend!  And full credit goes to Lynnette for the title of this here post.  Thank ya, baby!



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lynnette
    Apr 27, 2011 @ 10:29:44

    OMG……hiss…..hiss…..hiss! Foot behind my head is not on my list of accomplishments either.


  2. The Hulk
    Apr 27, 2011 @ 18:17:13

    You can sustain that kind of fortitude, you just choose not to! BTW – Thanks, that is saying a lot for my arms, becuase we all know how big your head is! 🙂


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