Love, Jimmie

This morning at the gym I amended my no-eating-raw-cloves-of-garlic requirement for the men I date to encompass not just potential suitors but everyone around me.  If you feel the need to ingest an entire head of garlic and also bathe in another entire head of garlic for any reason at all and not just in the name of “good health”, go away from me.  Please do not stand next to me at the gym.  Please do not use equipment next to me at the gym.  And for the love of all that is holy, please do not excessively sweat next to me at the gym.  If I can taste how you smell by simply working out next to you, we are not gonna be besties and I will most likely barf on your shoes.  The end. 

Okay, that isn’t the end.  I don’t know how I thought I could get away with being so stingy with my words.  I have lots of words.  I want to use them.  Today I want to use them to talk about weight loss and more specifically, the food part of weight loss. 

I am passionate about food.  I love it.  Most of us do.  There is a rare exception and his name is Pee-tah.  Do you need a refresher on him?  From a previous post: 

Pee-tah:  Pee-tah belongs in my heart.  I can’t imagine life without him.  I’ve almost seen him naked and we are still friends!  That is true friendship, right there. 

Pee-tah is tall and thin and has been known to forget to eat.  I don’t understand that.  I also don’t understand when he says things like, “I wish we didn’t have to eat.  It’s such a waste of time.  If I didn’t have to eat, I could get so much more done.”    I just stand there frowning at him with a blank look on my face.  It’s like I understand the possibility that people like this exist, yet I cannot fathom that one of them is in front of me.  I do not recall a time in my life when I forgot to eat.  Not once.  Ever.  I had to probe deeper, naturally, because I am a curious creature who is fascinated by cultures other than my own.  Even though he was born in North Dakota, clearly Pee-tah is not of this world and more specifically not indigenous to America, the nation of excess. 

Jimmie:  Don’t you crave foods?  Anything?

Pee-tah:  Not really.  Maybe my spaghetti . . . 

Jimmie:  Do you have comfort foods?

Pee-tah:  <pause> I like ice cream, I suppose. 

Jimmie:  When was the last time you had ice cream?

Pee-tah:  I don’t know.  Maybe a few months ago? 

Jimmie:   If all foods had the same nutritional value, would you change the way you eat? 

Pee-tah:  Sure.  I would eat more fast food. 

Jimmie:  Right! Because it tastes good!

Pee-tah:  No.  Because it’s cheap and easy. 

See ?!  I don’t get it! Doesn’t this seem foreign to you? 

Unfortunately I am nothing like Pee-tah.  I love food.  I love going out to eat with my friends.  I love the salads at Panera.  I love talking about new recipes with Martie.  (While we are on the subject, let me say that Martie is an excellent cook and can make up all sorts of yummy recipes. I can follow one excellently and maybe make a modification or two, but Martie can just create stuff out of thin air and a jar of olives.  It’s amazing.)  I love trying new stuff and searching out unusual things to sample.  Eating can be fun, and it’s a nice way to spend time with your friends or to celebrate or to commiserate or to just do on a Friday night. It encompasses just about anything.      

Unfortunately I am nothing like Dammit Todd either.  Remember how I said it was no fun working out with Dammit Todd because he can kick your butt at any workout no matter how long you have been doing it and how little he has?  It’s enough to make you want to hate him.  He does have a redeeming quality and it’s that he likes to eat.  He likes to eat a lot and believe you me, for such a fit guy, he can put away the food.  Give him a bottle of ketchup and watch him work.  He’s methodical and serious about food and if he has a plate of ribs, its best to hold off on any conversation which would include him.  It’s also best to keep your hands on your own plate as he never learned to share.  I like that he’s creative when it comes to food.   Lynnette once witnessed him make a cookie/cake sandwich.  A hunk of cake between two chocolate chip cookies and he was good to go.  He probably ate two of them.  That sounds great, right?  Like you would love to be friends with him because of that, right?  WRONG!  He never gains a pound.  He eats a bunch of crap and he drops a pants size.  I eat one brownie and go run three miles and I gain two pounds.  I do hate him a little. 

Honestly, I relate more to Quan who says eating is his favorite part of the day. 

Because I love food (unlike Pee-tah), and because I cannot eat whatever I like without gaining weight (unlike Dammit Todd), I have found myself with more lumps than I want and I am unhappy with the quantity and magnitude of those lumps.  I need to make more of a change than just running  and going to the gym.  I need to change my lifestyle, permanently.  I am beginning Weight Watchers again.  I’ve used the program with great success as long as you count losing a ton of weight and then gaining half a ton back and then losing ¾ of a ton and then regaining a few more pounds a success.  I’ve been round and round with this weight and I’m sick of it.  I’m ready to do this once and for all. 

I’m telling you this for three reasons.   

1.)  If you see me eating cheesecake you can come take half.  I’m not into deprivation – I think that is dangerous.  But I am into eating less and making better choices and sharing my cheesecake and half my small bag of M&Ms.  If you come take a bite of my cheesecake and I stab you with my fork, you should know that I am not following the plan and you should just go ahead and take that cheesecake away from me altogether.  Sharing is encouraged and I’m planning on being held accountable for this lifestyle change. 

2.)  I need you to not tempt me.  When I’m on this program, I’m on. You cannot get me to cheat, to taste a cookie, to even smell a single chocolate chip if I have not planned for it. But when I’m off, I’m really off.  It only takes one thing trigger it.  One unplanned chocolate covered strawberry.  One sneaky Pop-tart.  One single solitary donut and I’m off the rails like nobody’s business, going to The Cheesecake Factory frequently, purchasing M&Ms in the medium sized bag.  . . . . okay fine, the large sized bag, and eating peanut butter like crazy. 

3.)  I will want to post losses and stuff here so you might see that from time to time.  Encourage me and never tell me that I’ve lost too much. I have a goal in mind and it is a healthy one, a doctor recommended one.  I am in no danger of being too thin, trust me.  And we will all like me with less lumps. 

Feel free to nag me or to join me.  (Why come no one nags me?  I’m great at nagging and I do it often.  I don’t get y’all.  I’d be all over the opportunity to nag you.)

For real now, The End.