Again With The Testosterone

Hello all!  Have you missed me?  I’ve been very busy and absent and thought you might like an explanation as to why. 

Two months ago I started planning an appreciation dinner for our clients at work.  We do this every year with great success.  To begin, I put in the request for creation of the invitation with our media group and gave them a very specific deadline.  I scoped out a couple of restaurants and got preliminary pricing and menu selections.  Two days before the invitation deadline and a week and a half before the dinner itself, the powers that be (namely, my boss) changed the entire game plan and suggested a cookout.

I was fine with it.  I like spontaneity.  I can go with the flow.  So I called the media group and all the potential restaurants and threw a monkey wrench in all their plans as well as mine, changing the entire dance which made everyone very happy and certainly made me some new friends.  Big fun. 

I was given a budget and told to “make it happen.”  Again, I’m good with that.  I like the challenge.  I did allow that the last time I had to grill something I lost most of my eyebrows so if the group wanted to actually serve meat, they could either grill it themselves or explain to the clients that “cookout” really means “crock-pot chicken”.  No less than five of the men in the group said to me, “Well, you know, I am the Grill Master.” 

“Great,” says I.  “Now who’s gonna help me cook the rest of it?”

You know who is the Potato Salad Master?  Me.

You know who is the Baked Bean Master?  Me.

You know who is the Salsa Master? Me.

You know who is the Shopping For Food, Shopping For Alcohol, Pasta Salad, Brownie, Cobbler Master?  Me. 

Now that you understand the Established Boundaries, a timeline for you:

One week prior to Cookout

Jimmie goes to Sam’s to check prices on every possible grilling item available. She communicates with Boss who is on vacation in Belize (lucky dog).

Six days prior to Cookout

Jimmie goes to Kroger to check prices on beer and other assorted groceries.

Five days prior to Cookout

Jimmie does comparison price checks on beer and other assorted groceries at Wal-Mart at 8:30 am.  Thank the Lord her skirt was not tucked up into her underwear as she was cruising the beer aisles before 9:00 am or she is certain she would have ended up in your email chain under the title: “People of Wal-Mart”.

Four days prior to Cookout

Jimmie begins purchasing supplies, namely meat that must brine for 24 hours before being smoked for 12 hours (thank you helpful co-worker who took care of this portion of the show).

Three days prior to Cookout

Jimmie starts the salsa recipe, with much mixing and chopping and opening of cans.

Two days prior to cookout

Jimmie picks up Boss at airport after his vacation (lucky dog) and does the big shopping trip to purchase all supplies including beer, wine and salt shakers.  It was the first time in Jimmie’s life she needed a grocery cart to hold all of the alcohol she purchased.  Classy.  Jimmie also makes brownies, macerates the peaches, and cooks the blackberries into a syrup. 

One day prior to cookout

Jimmies freaks out a little and then begins cooking in earnest.  Potatoes are boiled and marinated.  Bacon is cooked. Onions are chopped. (This ought to tell you how much she cares about this company and how they appear to the client.  Jimmie HATES onions.)  Brownies are iced then iced again.  (Sounds odd but you want to do this.  So Good!)  Boss asks if he can invite extra people. Jimmie has mini stroke and adds another pound of potatoes to her recipe.  Jimmie cooks and prepares until 11:30 pm.  Her hands are raw and dried out from washing them so many times and her dishwasher is most likely running on its last legs.  Jimmie sleeps well for a few hours.


Jimmie awakes at the crack of 6:30 and leaps out of bed to immediately begin preparations for the evening cookout. She finishes the potato salad, the cobblers, the baked beans and the salsa.  She enlists help to set up the bar and the tables and chairs (thank you Felix!), buys 120 pounds of ice for the tasty beverages, and makes lists of stuff she forgot.  Meanwhile, Boss again asks if he can invite extra people.  Jimmie has stroke of greater magnitude and immediately rushes to the store to buy fixings for a pasta salad as no way does she have enough food.  At 3:00 she jumps in the shower and at 4:00 realizes she has time for a much needed pedicure.  She rushes off to get that done, her first break of the day, and on her way back, Boss calls.

Boss:  Did you seriously go get a pedicure?

Jimmie: <Silence>

Boss:  You are kidding me, right?  You know there are half a dozen people waiting for you over here. (Editor’s Note:  The half a dozen people were two hours early.)

Jimmie loses her mind for three and one half minutes, screeching things like “Do you want me to quit!  Because I will!”  And also things like, “I have a knife in this car you know!  Plus all the food is in this vehicle and if you don’t want me to turn this mother around and give it all to the homeless you had better change your tune, boy!  I cannot BELIEVE you have the absolute GALL to tell me I cannot take a one hour break!  I have worked my ASS off for you people <breath> and I will not take this crap from you!” And then possibly things like this, “You can just serve your clients a bunch of charred hunks of meat for all I care!  Scum sucking leeches! <ragged breath> I hate you all!”  Also, possibly there were some epithets and foul language, unbecoming to a lady. 

Boss:  <Silence>

Jimmie: Huff.

Boss:  Um, I was just kidding.

Jimmie:  Oh.

One hour prior to the cookout

Jimmie arrives with a truckload of food and begins to unload.  The men, all five Grill Masters, stand outside next to the massive man grill (picture below) which holds about 100 pounds of charcoal, crowing about their grilling prowess, swilling beer and generally grunting and peeing on stuff to establish dominance.  They grilled precisely 36 hamburgers, 48 sausages and three packets of onions.  Jimmie choked a little on the testosterone overload and her ovaries shrunk two sizes that day. 


A resounding success.

So that’s what I’ve been up to lately.  What about you guys? Anything new? 



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. amy
    Aug 19, 2011 @ 18:05:08

    crock pot chicken….hahahhahahahahahhaha… you want me to turn this mother around and give all the food to the homeless…..hahahhahaa! i’ve been wondering where you were jimmi, glad you didn’t die by onion overload! now hurry up and write us another to laugh out loud too!!!! please?


  2. Jonquil
    Aug 19, 2011 @ 18:25:37

    Did you make the caramel apple salad? Were the burgers good?


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