Love, Jimmie

If you want to hit on my sweaty hot mess of a self at the gym with the flushed face and just-rolled-out-of-bed hair (and why wouldn’t you – it’s an alluring package), please use the following guidelines to do it correctly. The guy from Tuesday should probably have read this before attempting.

Be taller than me:

We have established that this is important to me. 

Ooh, he gets one point

Be cute: 

You don’t have to be conventionally pretty by the world’s standards. 

You just have to be pretty to me. 

Yummy, he gets one point 

Be friendly: 

If you are a stick in the mud, we aren’t going to have a lot to talk about. 

Fantastic, he gets one point

Have giant muscular arms:

I like the gun show.

Purr, he gets a point for each arm.

Don’t hit on me after you have hit on all my friends: 

Minus one point per friend.

Yeeaaaaahhhhh . . . In this case, he loses three points 

Be positive:

When I say I’m gross, you say “Stop saying that.”

I like it, score one point for him

Be original:

“How much longer do you have on the treadmill?” queries he.

“About six minutes,” reply I.

“When you get done, come to the steam room,” commands he.

“What? Why?” query I.

Responds he, whilst staring at my bosoms, “So you can give me a hug . . . I’d like to ‘try that’ <leer>.” 

Minus one point for every time he has used the same pick up line on a friend.

Euw, in this case, subtract three points

But who cares?  He’s a million points down just for skeeze.  

I don’t think he will ever pull it back out of the negative.  His loss. 

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Also, two funnies for you. 

Seamus would die if he knew I posted this picture.

And, a conversation between co-worker Hulk and Jimmie 

Hulk:  I would share my umbrella with you but your hair is too big.  It won’t fit.

Jimmie:  My hair is too big?  Really?!  That is FANTASTIC!