Love, Jimmie

Apparently I struck a nerve.  It appears that I am not the only person who is passionate about the height of the men I date.  I post one little thing about a guy being too short, and receive more comments that I ever expected: here (although these were the nice ones), on Facebook and personally.  It seems only flashing people at public swimming pools gets me more feedback but since I’ve already done that and already died a little, I don’t think I’ll venture down that road again. 

I suppose it is time to talk about what makes me tick on a more personal level, on a dating level.  I tell you about funny stuff that happens to me, and sometimes sad stuff.  I tell you about people I luff. But it’s possible that telling you those things still don’t let you “get” me.  Now I want you to “get” me.  We all may be sorry.       

To begin, I’m going to tell you that I’m no stranger to dating.  I’m no stranger to marriage.  I’ve done my fair share of the romantic relationship, sometimes to my detriment and sometimes to my joy.  Secondly, and at the risk of sounding like a floozy (which I am not), I will tell you that I have dated an assorted cast of men.  I’ve run the gamut from older to younger, stoner to business professional, intellectual to . . . not so intellectual.  There is an entirely new story to tell within those parameters, but I’m thinking more of “book” than “blog post”.  I will have a lot to say. 

For now, I want to set the record straight.  I have dated men shorter than me, for a significant amount of time even.  I have given it a shot, let my guard down and given in.  And I hated it.  Despite the fact that most of those men were very nice and charming and whatever, I felt awkward and uncomfortable.  While I am 39 now, surely an age where I’m mature and happy with who I am, I can still feel awkward and uncomfortable with the best of them with no help at all from a shorter boyfriend.   I choose not to deliberately do that to myself.

Shorter-than-me is not indicative of non-hotness.  I know this.  Look at Lenny Kravitz – Meow!  Michael J. Fox – adorable!  Mark Wahlberg – yummy! Dammit Todd  and Rickkster – I nod at you here.  I give these men their due.  I can look at these men on the big screen and drool with the best of them.  But cuteness only goes so far for enticing me to want to make out with you.  There are so many other qualities that you must possess before I take an interest, and so many things that can turn me right off of even the tallest man.  Shall I share my list with you?  Indeed, yes.   

Before I begin, I should inform you that I’m an equal opportunity discriminator.  I realize that there are millions of men who have millions of fabulous qualities that should counteract my stringent requirements.  I’m not saying that these men don’t deserve a second look.  I’m just telling you they won’t get one from me.  I have every right to do this seeing as how I have been discriminated against more than once for my height, my weight, my dislike of certain recreational activities, my age, etc.  You name it, I’ve been there.  Plus (and not to beat a dead horse here) I’m 39.  I have earned the right to be picky.  Lord knows I should have been picky MANY times in my life but chose not to for whatever reason.

So on to my list.  If you want to be my new bohunk, please read carefully.     

If you don’t love God more than you love me, do not apply.

If you smoke anything at all, do not apply. 

If your name is Gerald, do not apply.  Wait, I’m not done here.  If your name is any of the following:  Phil, Herbert, Chauncy, Dwight, Melvin, Barry, Chuck (or any variation of Charles), Kenneth, Ralph, Larry, Moe, Richard, George, or Howard and/or you have an inmate number after your name, do not apply. Dwayne was on the list originally but then Dwayne Johnson got those big old arms and those pretty teeth and I had to remove it from the no fly list.   

If you think watching NASCAR on television is a nice date, do not apply. 

If you still live with your mother because “It’s awesome”, do not apply.

If you have unaddressed dental issues, do not apply. 

Ah, a big one!  If your feet are smaller than mine, do not apply. 

If you think a comb over actually hides your bald spot, do not apply. 

If you are currently attached to someone else romantically, do not apply.

If you think video games are “amazing!”, do not apply. 

If you eat cloves of raw garlic daily in the name of good health, do not apply.

If you are an axe murderer, do not apply. 

If you want me to birth children, do not apply.

If you are not old enough to rent a car, do not apply.  Honestly, it is shocking how many young men are willing to embrace the Cougar phenomenon.  Shocking.   

Yes, I realize how picky I sound at this point . . . tough.  It’s my list. 

Lastly, and we have covered this, if you are my height or shorter than me, do not apply. 

I think that is a tidy list.  Please understand that I reserve the right to add to it as I see fit.  I hope I have offended no one, but if I did what are you gonna do about it?  Not ask me out on a date?  Been there, done that, your loss.  ☺

Smooches,

Jimmie