Don’t you hate it when people call it that? There is no M in Valentine. Do you also hate it when people call it Singles Awareness Day? Tough, it’s my blog.
So I had a party for all my single friends on Singles Awareness Day. We went to the bowling alley. You should know that I am a terrible bowler. Really awful. I don’t know why I do this to myself. You remember Thor? He claims to be the worst bowler ever. I say this with love – he’s pretty bad. I have another friend who doesn’t see too well. Her vision started to go when she was young yet she has adjusted beautifully. She’s an okay bowler. We had some new friends come to the party who tried their hardest to lay claim to the title “Crappiest Bowler Ever”, throwing gutter balls and missing pin after pin. Y’all want to guess who got the lowest score in every game? Want to know who was so spectacularly bad at the bowling that breaking a 40 was considered a fantastic accomplishment? That is correct – yours truly.
One of the new friends whom I shall call Flash pulled me aside on the last two frames of the game to give me some coaching lessons. “Jimmie,” Flash said, “how do you feel about me giving you some pointers so that maybe you can tie for last place instead of being dead last all by yourself . . . . again?”
“Sure, why not.” And so Flash coached me, enabling me to get a strike AND a spare and thus I tied for last place with a guy who fervently tried to convince us that he had never bowled before. I am amazing.
Lest you think I am a total loser, I do have things at which I excel.
For example, I am excellent at lecturing men on what constitutes a good Valentime’s Day gift. Simply look at this post, which can be used for almost any gift-giving occasion in which women are to receive tokens of affection. I used it with great success on a guy at work, whom I shall call Yao Ming (he is tall and I like standing next to him).
“Yao Ming,” I said as I cornered him in the supply room, “what are you doing for your wife for Valentime’s Day? You have planned ahead, correct?”
“Uh . . . .” said Yao Ming. “I usually do pretty well on ValentiNe’s Day. I’ll get balloons or flowers or something.”
“Well, you better giddy on it, Yao Ming. I do not want any of my friends in the dog house because of a lame Valentime’s Day gift. I once knew a girl, my sister-in-law actually, whose boyfriend gave her a set of free weights and the advice that she could use lose a few pounds. She was a rail already but either way, that boyfriend spent a lot of time recovering from that snafu and I do not want the same fate for you. I like you too much for that, Yao Ming.” And then Yao Ming made some excuse about all the work he had to do and fled to the other side of the hall.
I used this same argument successfully with the postman, the UPS man, and the Fed Ex guy. I am very popular.
Another example of things I do well: I am excellent at playing with other people’s children in bowling alleys. I know this because after coming back from a routine visit to the restroom I found a small child hanging out in our lane. He was a tiny little black boy with the cutest curly Mohawk you’ve ever seen. He was less than two and had the sweetest eyelashes. His elbow was propped on one of our chairs and he watched our game intently, probably fascinated by the wildly spinning colorful balls that flew all over the lanes. Ooh, I snatched him up immediately, cooing “Hi, muffin. What’s your name?”
He looked at me with giant eyes and then turned his attention back to the out-of-control game we were playing. He leaned against me, completely content. Oh, I could have held him all night. After a few minutes, though, I could see the realization dawn on his family that they were missing a kid. I held him up to show I had him, that he was safe and while they rushed over to rescue him from the wild woman who bowled as if she had a muscle deficiency, they were very kind in letting me get a hug from him before taking him safely to his own lane. We bonded, though, because he waved good-bye to me as he left. He was my Valentime.
I also have other assorted skills like layering on glitter eyeliner in thick, even lines; backcombing my hair into a giant poof; matching my socks to every occasion and outfit (up to and including Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Equestrian holidays, Dog holidays, and Valentime’s Day); asking Boss for gifts that he never sends; and making friends easily. You know why I make friends easily? It’s because I never throw people under the bus by telling stories on them when they are crappy bowlers (Thor) or when they get super excited about the nerdy Tupperware gift they received for Valentime’s Day (Yao Ming).
This is a pretty impressive list, don’t you agree? Y’all want to hang out with me this weekend? We should go bowling.
Love, Jimmie 