Also, a PSA – Men, if you insist on wearing a Speedo to the beach, please do not jog along the shore in it. You are doing yourselves no favors.
Love,
Jimmie
Guess Where I Am . . . .
08 Oct 2012 3 Comments
in I'm Going Somewhere, Imparting Wisdom Tags: Humor
A Bit Of Prose About My Greenway
03 Sep 2012 1 Comment
in I'm Going Somewhere, Outings Tags: Happy
“An Ode to my Greenway” sounds so much nicer but we’ve already covered the bit about my talent not extending that far. I’m just not that good, so today I have titled this correctly. I shall write prose for you about a walking path. And I shall include pictures.
Today I went for a walk on my Greenway. I remembered that I wanted to share it with you because it is one of my happy places and lately, I’ve thrown a lot of negative at you. That isn’t me, not always, so today I’m giving you a positive.
Isn’t it gorgeous? Today is was misty and slightly messy. Isaac has done his work on Tennessee. Some twigs are down and a few plant stalks are bent. That’s it really, that and the rain. When I began my walk, the sky was gray and the mist was coming, so I was hopeful that I would miss the most of the bad weather. Unfortunately, by the end of my walk, I was rain damp and my hair was a giant sticky mess. I didn’t care.
I’ve been walking this Greenway for maybe five years now. I’ve met lots of fantastic people there. Remember, there was the woman with the giant corkscrew curls who prayed all the way up that one giant hill. Speaking of that hill, I took Madre to the Greenway once and I warned her about it. I told her it was rough. “It can’t be any worse than the one at home. I’m fine.” I kept my peace and when we walked up the first section of that hill, we were both huffing and puffing pretty good. “That wasn’t so bad,” Madre said, and then we turned the jack-knife corner and she saw the rest of it. “Damn,” she huffed and we trudged on. One of these days at the top of that hill I will suddenly notice that I have a Beyonce booty and I will know that I got it because I drag myself up that hill far too much for my liking.
There is a Mexican man that I see on the Greenway often. He wears the exact same outfit every time he walks, a white polo shirt and khaki shorts. When he sees me, he places both hands over his heart and throws them out to the side like his heart is growing. He doesn’t speak a word of English.
There is a giant slab of a man named Jeff, who is cu-u-u-u-t-e! So cute! He’s nice, too, and he walks the Greenway literally every day. He never misses, even in the rain. One day he saw the Mexican man give up his heart to me and he said, “Be careful, Jimmie. You are an easy girl to have a crush on and I don’t want you getting hurt out here.” Jeff is happily married, as far as I can tell, so no big ideas anyone.
There is a man I saw today who was doing this strange giraffe-like walk, kind of stalking and jerking his knees backward with every step. It was weird. He was puffing air in and out of his cheeks, like a locomotive and I couldn’t help but think that he was doing far more damage to his knees by walking in such a stiff manner than doing any good for his body. On the other hand, there is a woman I see who runs like a gazelle, kind of on her toes and hopping. I’ve seen her body change over the years and her figure is quite nice. This is why I want to run, people.
My favorite Greenway person is the 70-ish year old man who does this shuffling run for six miles or so. He blows past me whether I am running or not, which is always a surprise as from a distance it really does look as if he’s just slowly shuffling along and next thing I know I’m left in a cloud of aftershave. It is disheartening to know I will never get as fast as him. He wears his trucker hat perched on top of his head, his striped athletic socks pulled up to his knees and his shorts just as baggy as a teenaged boy’s. I admire him.
I’ve seen more deer, rabbits and snakes than I can count. The path meanders along the lake and when the sun hits the water just right, you can see fish floating near the surface. I’ve seen an otter doing the backstroke. I see turtles paddling around all the time.
In the summer, the honeysuckle is potent. Everything is so GREEN. In the fall the leaves are gorgeous. You can hear the deer rustling around in the morning. When I was going through the heartbreak, I would walk on that path, watching my breath puff in the cold morning air, and a doe would come out of the woods and just stare at me. There was no fear. I could get almost close enough to touch her. There was comfort in that although I’m not sure why.
A walk on the Greenway was a lovely way to begin my Labor Day. Afterwards I went to the gym and nearly broke my legs doing lunges and squats. I’ll have a night out with friends later. And in the middle of all that, I, glamorously, spent the afternoon on my hands and knees cleaning the grout in my kitchen. Nice, no? But I really wanted to share my Greenway with you, my happy place.
Happy Labor Day, everyone!
Highly Recommend, By Jimmie – Take Two.
19 Jul 2012 Leave a comment
in Friends, Health, I'm Going Somewhere, Imparting Wisdom, Outings, Weight Loss Tags: Humor
Dear Readers,
I’ve done some fun stuff lately. Lest you think I don’t have a life anymore due to job hunting and crying and re-budgeting and talking about my sexy hair, I thought I should write it up for you. Following is my new list of things for you to consider doing:
Rock Island Playdate – When your friends ask you to drive 2 hours to the coolest place in the world for a day of relaxation and fun, you go. Do not think twice about it. Pack up a cooler full of lunch, get some water, throw a towel in the car and take off. Probably you should spend some real money on proper water shoes and also probably you should dress for hiking as well as floating (can anyone say “upper body support, i.e. bra instead of swimsuit”?) but even if you don’t, you will have the time of your life. Take lots of pictures so that you can show off to all your friends. Post them on your blog. Isn’t that waterfall nice? It was gorgeous!
Not pictured? The poison ivy I sat in . . . .
Gavin DeGraw – I, too, wish I could explain it.
Kayaking – I’ve waited my whole life to do this but I guess I didn’t know it. I’d been saying I was going to go for months and last Tuesday was the first time I got to keep my promise. I put on the ill-fitting life jacket (can anyone say “Stay Puft Marshmallow Man”?) and perched my poison ivy covered butt in that kayak. After I ran into a couple of docked boats and a couple of my friends, I got the hang of things. Now while most of you probably prefer the straight line method of kayaking in which you go from point A to point B in a linear manner, you need to understand that I prefer the Charlie Brown sweater pattern method of kayaking. I like to zig and then zag and take far longer than anyone else to reach the destination. It’s a much better shoulder workout, see. Lynnette will be proud.
Maxi Dresses – go to Old Navy and get yourself one and wear it to visit Poppa. After he asks you why you wore your nightgown to visit him, you’ll throw it in the trash. (Can anyone say, “You look pregnant in that dress?”)
Urban Hike – for a few months I’ve been participating in something called an Urban Hike. It’s a long walk through downtown Nashville in which we visit historic sites and landmarks particular to Nashville. We also climb 248 stairs, ring the Liberty Bell and sweat like warthogs but it’s really quite rewarding. What I don’t recommend, though, is missing a couple of weeks of the walk, especially when some key elements of the walk are changed (i.e. changing the route from five miles to six) and then not bringing water to the new and improved six mile walk when the temperatures have just peaked at the all-time high of 109 degrees. Also not recommended is yapping excessively about how fantastic this walk really is to two men who have unreciprocated interest in you. When you make it sound like the most incredible of hikes, do not be surprised when both of those men show up (uninvited by you) on the SAME NIGHT to walk with you. (“Can anyone say, “Awkward”?)
Cakes from Freddie – This here is the cake Freddie made for my birthday. It was delicious! Because she makes such delicious cakes, she has started a little side business called World Piece Cakes. Isn’t that cute? Check it out here.
Planning stuff with Woney – I always like to end these Highly Recommend posts with something about Woney. Have you noticed that? Anyway, Woney has been working out with Tony now for a year. Lemme tell you, she looks FIERCE! That guy knows his stuff. (Can anyone say “This is hard” and “I’m tired”? Cause Woney can’t. Tony won’t let her anymore.) He got her started on some new cardio routines too, and she’s running a lot now, much like I used to. (le Sigh, but I’m getting there!) We talked for months about doing the 5K Color Run in Nashville and then somehow missed the deadline to enter which, with both of us being blondes and having lives, I don’t understand. Anyway, we talked about it, got excited about it, missed the deadline and then gave up on it altogether. Instead, she is coming to visit me *just because* in November. Also, we are going to Ireland in a year or so to celebrate her birthday and now will begin ramping up those conversations and planning discussions. It’s just too exciting!
So now, in conclusion,
The end.
Thanksgiving Day. Or, Deer Hunting
28 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in Family, I'm Going Somewhere, Uncategorized Tags: Humor
Did everyone have a nice Thanksgiving holiday? Is everyone still stuffed? Is anyone contemplating learning how to sew so that you can move your buttons on your pants slightly further apart so that you no longer cut yourself in two at the waist? Yeah, me too.
We always have a lot of food and a lot of family on this holiday. This year we got Daddy-O and JiJi, pumpkin cheesecake, marshmallow salad and other assorted casseroles. Ooh, and homemade cinnamon rolls. It was awesome. My job was to bring Brussels sprouts and the ham. Because my job was to bring the Brussels sprouts, I got a note from my niece, Pooh. It read:
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Dear Aunt Jimmie –
I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.
Love,
Pooh.
P.S. Please don’t bring the brussel sprouts.
I love you.
I also got a text from Martie that said, Our meal is going to be so completely yellow, except for the Brussels sprouts. I’m so country.
Oh, the stuff memories are made of . . .
I might have mentioned once that all our winter holidays include not only eating until vital organs burst but also killing large animals like deer and squirrels. And again, oh the stuff memories are made of . . . .
Thanksgiving Memory # 1, when Jimmie, Martie, Bear, and Boo were still little
“Kids, Madre and I are going hunting. We won’t eat until we get back. Find something to amuse yourselves while we are gone.” And then we sat around and stared at each other for hours until the parents got home. Gah, it was boring and the way we amused ourselves back then was to hurt each other. Ah, good times.
Thanksgiving Memory # 2, when Bear and Boo were older and more responsible and had guns of their own
“Girls, Madre and your brothers and I are going hunting. We won’t eat until we get back. Don’t burn down the house while we are gone.” Ha ha! Martie and I had learned a trick from a previous winter holiday! We stayed in our pajamas and ate giant Hershey’s kisses and listened to Michael Jackson’s Thriller album all day long. Not boring!
Thanksgiving Memory # 3, # 4, # 5 and also Christmas Memory # 1, # 2, and # 3 ad infinitum, when Jimmie and Martie were old enough to cook an entire meal unsupervised.
“Girls, we can’t have the Thanksgiving meal until we get back from hunting. See you this afternoon. Happy cooking. Ingredients are in the fridge.” (Simply exchange “can’t have the Thanksgiving meal” with any phrase you choose pertaining to fun stuff kids want to do like “open any Christmas presents” or “see what Santa brought” and viola – another memory!)
Deer Hunting Memory, # 1, when Coach got involved with the family.
Says Coach, “I spent all this time getting ready to go hunting. I was up long before dawn, dressed from head to toe in camouflage, got in the truck and drove over to Poppa’s house, situated myself in the tree stand so as to maximize comfort and alertness, and then waited and waited and waited for hours and hours and hours. Poppa walked out his back door, strolled to the tree stand, sat down, just got comfortable, and then BLAM! Five minutes later, he killed a deer.” I think Coach cried a little when he told this story.
Deer Hunting Memory # 2, Phranke’s story
Says Phranke, “I remember the day Daddy walked out onto the front porch in his orange towel skirt and pleather slippers and shot a twelve point buck in the front yard.” I think Coach cried a little when he heard this story.
Thanksgiving Memory # . . . Wait, I’m lost on the numbers. I have no idea. BUT! It is another recurring memory which Martie and I lament every year.
“Kids, on the menu for Thanksgiving this year is dressing, corn casserole, green beans, cranberry sauce, macaroni and cheese, sweet potatoes and a nice venison roast.” (Here you simply exchange “nice venison roast” with “nice bear butt roast” or “nice lamb roast” or some other such nonsense to make a new memory. Do you see how turkey is never on the menu? Yeah, me too.) Can’t we just have a turkey like the rest of America, just once? Martie and I got smart and put our foots down and now we have turkey every year. Also, a nice leg of lamb.
Finally, despite the dressing in camouflage from head to toe, driving to a deer stand, setting up shop to maximize comfort and alertness and waiting and waiting and waiting for hours and hours and hours, Coach and Daddy-O made no new memories that involved actually killing a large animal like a deer or squirrel, unfortunately. However, I made new memories this year. Phranke and I drove to our home town together, a town that is this ( ) big. Along the way, we took pictures of things that epitomize the feeling of our town that is this ( ) big.
For your viewing pleasure:
Moo?
Baa?
I have no idea what a guinea says.
My makeover, courtesy of Tigger
Pictures Of My Tropical Vacation That Was Not Tropical At All
30 Oct 2011 Leave a comment
in I'm Going Somewhere Tags: Photos, Travel
I wrote nearly a million words about my trip and my guess is that everyone had a hard time wading through all that. To even it out, I thought this post could just be pictures of stuff that amused me last week. Maybe look a picture here and then go read a paragraph. It’s hard to condense a week of my life into 1000 words. I’m so much bigger than that! Happy looking!
Might I have a bite of your lunch?
I don't even know what this means . . .
- I’m Bruno. I’m badass. I weigh seven pounds. Don’t mess with me.
People in California are weird. No, thank you.
Hello ladies <eyebrow waggle>. Would you like to come nap with me? We could knead beautiful biscuits together.
Remember when I dropped that electric sander on my toe? That black cat covers that black bruise. Yay! Happy Halloween!
I Went Somewhere!
28 Oct 2011 Leave a comment
in Friends, I'm Going Somewhere Tags: Humor, Travel
It’s time I get down to business here. It’s time to stop being lazy and using my dirty laundry as an excuse to not write. I took a trip last week which I was going to tell you about anyway, but now I’ve had some special requests for a recap and I’d like to oblige those requests as I’d like to keep my status as your favorite.
A few months ago, Woney called me up and told me about a cruise package she found that was very reasonably priced. She offered to pay for my cruise if I would buy my plane tickets to her house, all the way on the other side of the country in California. Naturally, I said yes. I can tell I am her favorite. For months we planned our tropical vacation, getting passports in order, buying swimmy suits, and working out with trainers.
I had a lot of expectations for this trip. I had visions of us lying on a beach or a pool chair by the crystal clear water of an ocean or a pool. I had visions of us getting up faithfully every morning and hitting the gym. I just knew that we would make healthy dining choices at almost every meal. Fruity drinks were in our future as was a tan that would make me look like browned butter. I would save money beforehand and then spend it all in Mexico buying presents for my friends and family while taking in the fresh ocean air that permeates all of the city of Ensenada. And I would meet loads of fabulous people and be their favorite.
Let me tell you how many of my expectations came to fruition. One.
The temperatures never got above 60 degrees. And we had packed tropical wear for every day of the trip. Every morning we would faithfully put on our swimmy suit or our cute dress with our sandals and then would don a coat and take our beach towels to whatever location we decided to perch in for the day. There we would shiver for an hour or two with a book under no less than two beach towels apiece but usually four until we got disgusted and went back to the room to take a nap. Or to the lido deck for lunch. Or maybe to the hot tub where we would marinate for a little while but then would make a beeline for the two to four beach towels and then another beeline for the room where we would take a nap under the warm down comforters on our respective beds. There was a lot of napping.
One day it got warm enough to take off our coats although it was still cloudy, and do you know that was the day I got a sunburn? It was a mild one but trust me, Ms. Pasty White over here, to find a way to get fried on a gloomy and slightly rainy tropical vacation. Also, it should be noted that my sunburns never turn into a tan. Instead I peel and then get about a million more freckles. One day those freckles will grow together and I will have a really great tan. I will probably also have a face like a leather handbag but at least my legs won’t be clear.
On the night we pulled into Ensenada, I felt the ship shudder and rock a lot. I was so sleepy (because of all the napping) and lazy (also because of all the napping) that I was only vaguely aware of the smell of rotten boiled cabbage but it just kept lingering. I wondered then if Woney was having some sort of intestinal disturbance or if maybe the sewage system on the boat was in distress. I knew that the food we had eaten on the ship wasn’t the healthiest but for it to be this bad? After a couple of hours, I finally woke Woney up and just asked her. “No, sweetie, that’s Mexico.” Oh.
Honestly, the trip was great despite the fact that it was colder than we were expecting. We did meet loads of fabulous new people and I am certain that I am now their favorite. I did spend lots of my money on jewelry in Mexico with Marco who afterwards offered to let me come home with him because he liked my pretty pale skin. I’m sure you know I declined.
As for the healthy part of our trip, before we ever set foot on that boat, before we had our first fruity drink, before we even had a single bite of a single dessert, Woney and I visited her personal trainer for an hour and three minute long session. You know how long an hour and three minute personal training session lasts when you go visit Woney’s trainer? All damn day. I wanted to hate that man – I was fully prepared to loathe him with every ounce of energy I had left after the workout (because let me tell you, when you place an order for Sheryl Crow arms or a Beyonce bootie, he takes you seriously and does his very best to make you work excessively for what you’ve just asked for). BUT! I didn’t hate him at all. I liked the guy. What a pretty man he was, all giant arms and chiclet teeth and positive attitude. Also, he’s a Navy man and once I got past the tearful, “Thank you, just for so much” speech I like to give to all service people, I tried to talk him into wearing his uniform at the end of the path we had to run down because, you know, it would make us run faster and all that. He declined. I’m sure it’s not at all against Navy rules so I really don’t see the issue there. His name is Tony and even though I left with arms like noodles and a butt that was shaking, I was glad to have met him. (Mostly because I felt justified and vindicated when I downed my first fruity cocktail but also a little because I grudgingly like working out. DO NOT tell Lynnette. She’ll make me do extra stuff in the next class.)
After the training session we had massages with some sort of foot thing too. Gosh, that was nice. Incidentally, do you know how long an hour and 15 minute long massage lasts? About ten minutes.
So that was pretty much our trip into the Tropical Beyond. Yes, my expectations were lofty. No, things did not go fully according to plan. But yes, I had a marvelous time and I’m thankful to Woney for the boat pass, Tony for the new muscles in my butt, Bobbie for taking care of my kitties while I was gone (it should be noted here that Murphy expressed his pleasure at my return by projectile varminting on my newly shampooed carpet), and Freddie for writing in my absence. Catalina Island is nice. Ensenada is nice. Cruise ships are nice. All my new friends are nice. And now I will close with some email exchanges between me and my nice new friends:
Jimmie: Has anyone else had a difficult time getting back to work properly? Holy crap, my brain is fried.
Ciera: Honestly work wasn’t even as bad as I thought it would be. The hardest part about coming back . . . . feeding myself. Heather and I kept hoping food would just appear somewhere but it never did. We even had to choose what we were going to eat all on our own. That was hard.
Jimmie: Excellent point. I had to cook stuff and it was awful. And there was no dessert. That really blows.
Ciera: Yea. And not once have I come into my room and seen a towel animal waiting there for me. Real life is hard.
Life Without Jimmie, A Guest Post By Freddie
24 Oct 2011 Leave a comment
in Friends, Guest Post, I'm Going Somewhere Tags: Humor, I Love My Friends
Hi Guys! Did anyone miss me? Did anyone notice that I was gone? I was, for a whole week. Please tell me you noticed . . . In my absence, Freddie wrote a guest post for you. It made me cry and laugh and be especially glad that I was home. I was glad anyway (I am quite fond of my bed, you know), but coming home to good friends is always the best part.
When the reality hit me that Jimmie was going to be gone for a whole week, I started to worry what my life was going to be like for that week. It’s been a while since I had to go more than a couple of days without her witty rapport. I decided to make the best of this situation and work on a guest post for Jimmie’s blog. Here goes!
Day #1 without Jimmie – Things Jimmie Taught Me
I went to a Making Strides for Breast Cancer walk and had my cell phone and keys in hand. As I was trying to determine whether I wanted to carry them the whole walk or put them in the car, I remembered some valuable knowledge Jimmie imparted onto me on one of our runs that we did last year: How to use your sports bra as a purse! I quickly proceeded to drop my keys down the front of my sports bra. Later in the walk, when I got tired of carrying my cell phone, I shoved it down the side of my bra. Thank you, Jimmie! We missed you on the walk!
Day #2 without Jimmie – Don’t touch my cookies!
As I was looking around to determine what I wanted to be for Halloween, I came across the following costume, appropriately (or inappropriately, depending on how well you know Jimmie) title “Don’t Touch my Cookies”:
‘Nough said!
Day #3 without Jimmie – Dammit Jimmie!
Jimmie has been teaching me recently the art of eye makeup. I’ve always worn eye makeup in the past, but recently, I’ve been stuck in a rut. One day, while inquiring about the particularly lovely shade of eye shadow that Jimmie was wearing, she suggested that she go with me to buy some of my very own. We made a trip to the local Rite Aid and found the exact brand and shade that she had. She then proceeded to persuade me to purchase a set of brushes to help apply the eye shadow. I’ve never owned brushes before; I’ve just used the brushes that came in the eye shadow, so this was a new experience for me. After some very careful explanation of how to apply the shadows using the brushes, we parted ways and I smiled all the way home with the delight that I, too, would soon have shimmery blue and pink eyelids! Well, over the weekend, I purchased some eye shadows in shades of grey (yes, I may be addicted). I’m wearing my amazing new eye shadow today, and while I would normally go by Jimmie’s desk to flaunt my newest purchase and thank her profusely for re-introducing me to the world of fun eye shades, she’s on a cruise…in the Pacific Ocean…and she will not get to enjoy being the first to compliment me on my new smokey grey eye lids. Dammit Jimmie!
Day #4 without Jimmie – The Walk-By
Jimmie’s desk is between my desk and the front door, front stairs, bathroom, many of the important things in my work day, and my desk happens to be between Jimmie’s desk and the printer and break room, important things in her work day. Needless to say, we pass each other’s desks several times throughout the day. Most of the times that I walk by, I make faces, do a little dance or one of the other things that may make Jimmie smile, laugh, or even stop her work to chat for a bit. Jimmie doesn’t need such excuses to visit my workspace. She simply walks in and plops right down on my desk with her semi-JLo bootay and proceeds to tell me fun stories about her weekend or fun things that Tigger and Pooh have done lately or any other tales that might come up. It’s a part of my life that I have come to expect, love, and appreciate, and while I have other coworkers who I enjoy spending time with, none of them compare to the walk-bys that Jimmie and I share.
Day #5 without Jimmie – You’re so Pretty!
Today was not a great day. It was rainy and cold and that is not a good combination when it’s been 80 degrees outside! Going from highs in the 80s to highs in the 50s within a few days is kind of awful. Add a little PMS to that, and you have a recipe for an awful day. Most days like this, Jimmie and I wear our sparkly eyeliner and tell each other how pretty we look. I really missed that today! No matter what’s going on in our day or how horrible someone just talked to us or treated us, those three little words make everything all better. Jimmie, I know that you’re loving life way out in the ocean, and you’re so pretty!
Day #6 without Jimmie – Would the Social Director Please Report to the Poop Deck?
It hit me today that I haven’t heard from Felix or Kindle for a couple of days…actually, the only time I’ve seen Felix since Jimmie was gone was when I insisted that we go to lunch on Tuesday. Jimmie just happens to be the glue that holds us all together…literally! Jimmie talks to all of us and then tells the others what everyone else is doing. Then, there are the times that Jimmie invites Kindle upstairs to visit and she stops by my cube or I find Felix chilling in Jimmie’s cube talking. Regardless, without Jimmie, we don’t talk. It’s weird. She’s our coordinator, better yet, she’s our social director. Things turn to shit when she’s not there. So…would the social director please report to the poop deck immediately? There’s a desperate need for your attention.
Day #7 without Jimmie – I Caved
I couldn’t resist any longer. I texted Jimmie. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Are you back yet?
Jimmie: Just got back to port.
Me: Really?? Oh, thank goodness! I missed you so much! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!
I may have been a little excited to make contact again. It’s amazing when you see someone every day for so long and suddenly they’re gone for a week, and it makes you realize how much of your life they were filling. It’s no wonder I caved!
Day #8 without Jimmie – The Return of Jimmie
Jimmie came back today! Well tonight. I know, because Ian posted a picture of me in my Halloween costume tonight. The costume was a ringmaster costume like this
except I had tights like these to make it a little more comical:
So, when the comment popped up from Jimmie asking what I was wearing, it was understandable. Plus, it means that Jimmie’s back! Woohoo! Welcome home, Jimmie! We missed you!
For the record, I missed my friends awfully. It’s possible that I was slightly teary-eyed when I got home. And I’ll have my own recap of the trip as soon as I get my thoughts organized. It’s hard to use your brain after having been so lazy.
Giving Me The Map Is A Bad Idea
11 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in Friends, I'm Going Somewhere, Imparting Wisdom Tags: Humor
This past weekend I went to visit a college friend. Her name is Katarina Carmen Maria Rosa del Playa Garcia Patel Suarez. I call her Bird for short. We plan these trips every year but only make it once every seven years which is just awful. Anyway, it was a short-ish trip, but while I was on that trip, I remembered some pertinent information that is important and felt I needed to share with you.
You NEVER give me the map
A few years ago, Phranke and I were on a trip in which we rented a car. She was the driver and I was the GPS. Unlike a real GPS who can talk to you in various sexy voices and give you proper directions, I just felt like we could guess which roads went south, follow those, and eventually end up on Highway 1, which is exactly where we needed to be. I folded up the map and tucked it away. Clearly that was a dumb idea and Phranke, who nearly had apoplexy, told me to get that map right back out and get us where we needed to go. So I did except I never told her I could barely read the stupid thing and kept yelling out directions like, “Turn here!” and “Yes, this is the one!”
This trip I thought I would be all crafty and use MapQuest to get my directions. No map for me! I would get written instructions to get me there. I got Bird’s address, found the directions to her house, and printed them off. Then I shut off my computer, packed up my four bags of crap that I take to work every day and took off, leaving my map on the printer. I got all the way to the garage before I realized it, so I went back up to the 5th floor and got the map off the printer. At that time, I realized that only the map part printed, not the written directions. (Plus, MapQuest sucks and rarely gets the directions right so I’m totally a smart cookie for using it so faithfully.)
I took my fuzzy map and hit the road, remembering from seven years ago how to sort of get there. She only lived 30 minutes from our college town and I definitely remember how to get there, so I reckoned I was alright.
It wasn’t until I was an hour past Bowling Green that she called and said, “Where are you?” and then explained gently to me that I had missed my turn 60 miles ago. I only arrived two hours later than I had planned. Yay!
Kentucky is the Bourbon State
While I was lost in the middle of Kentucky, I saw the strangest thing. Flashing red lights and glow-in-the-dark stripes ahead of me, moving rhythmically and steadily down the road. I saw a ton of those things and then realized they were runners, running in the dark at 10:30 pm. These people were machines. Steady pace, no floundering, no walking, like automatons. So of course I called Bird and asked her what the frick was going on because I had seen thousands of these people. Literally, thousands. Turns out it was the Bourbon Relay in which participants run a 200 mile course for Bourbon. I assume some charities were involved but the focus was primarily the alcohol. If they would come to Nashville they would learn that they only have to run three miles for beer. Sheesh.
Kentucky is also a Tobacco State
I stopped at a convenient store on my way, and that store was way out in the boonies. Can you believe that they still sell candy cigarettes? I was shocked! Never mind that those were my favorite candy as a kid. Those and the wax coke bottles that you could chew on for hours. There’s no accounting for children’s taste.
I have a love/hate relationship with 80’s music
Every morning I would come down the stairs and pile up in the bed with Bird and watch 80s videos on VH1. (Don’t ask me where her husband Hank was. I have no idea. I’m pretty sure he did not sleep the entire time I was there. I just don’t get that.) That music defined me and I am mortified to admit that. Have you heard some of that crap? Bobby Brown’s original boy band? Red Sky at Night? And the videos? My word, we have improved. Yet we were compelled to watch every single video that came on and could sing nearly every word.
I luff my friend Bird
Part of the reason for my insisting on a visit is that a few months ago, Bird fell into a coma for three weeks. It was medical and it was scary and we probably came closer to losing her than we know. I won’t dwell on that, mostly because I cannot. She’s fine now, just has to change a few things, but overall, she’s doing alright. It gives me great pleasure to report that. The only difference I saw was that her used-to-be super curly hair is now practically stick straight and as soft as a baby’s rear end. I love how we have not changed a single iota since college.
While I’m on the subject, I’d like to tell my friends that if you want me to come spend the night with you, all you have to do is ask. We don’t need to be all dramatic like Pee-tah and his appendicitis and Bird and her coma. Seriously, I’ll come. Just ask.
Thank you, Bird and Hank for a fantastic weekend. Thank you Hank, for cooking us breakfast. I’m not sure that anything like that has ever happened to me. It was so nice.
Really? Thanks A Lot, Lee!
05 Sep 2011 1 Comment
Labor Day weekend was supposed to be a weekend of bronzing myself in the sun. I was to drive down to visit Daddy-O and JiJi and come back looking like browned butter. The Squirt and I were going to hit the beach every day and for once in my life, I was not going to have skin so white it’s almost clear. Hurricane Lee fixed that. Instead of this,
I got this. Ew.
Happy Labor Day . . . . . sigh . . . .
Stuff I Lost, Part II & An Open Letter
10 Jul 2011 4 Comments
in Friends, I'm Going Somewhere, Imparting Wisdom, Lost Stuff Tags: Holiday
Yes, I’ve lost more stuff. I need no yelling from you. What I do need, however, is the following:
Pepto Bismol
Hairbrush
Comb
Dignity
Water hose
Support
Please send immediately.
I haven’t talked about things I’ve lost in a while because I haven’t really lost anything of note. I was lulled into a false sense of security and maturity since I’ve managed to keep hold of my possessions and personality for a few months now. Yet I am nothing if not true to myself and so begins the story again.
On Friday of last week, Freddie and I took off on a road trip. Freddie has a younger sister, Sammie. Sammie applied to and was accepted into Nanny School which is just about the coolest thing I have ever heard. Turns out, though, that Nanny School is a long way from Nashville and Sammie, brave little soul that she is, needed a ride up north so that she could attend. Freddie volunteered and then I volunteered and then three women wearing sparkly eyeliner and carrying teddy bears and extra pillows piled up into a vehicle and took off on the open road. No how, no way could that ever be a recipe for disaster (or lost stuff).
The day we left, we got very specific instructions from a co-worker on proper snack etiquette for road tripping. First, you must stop at Sonic for jalapeno poppers. Later, you must stop at a gas station for Ruffles. Finally, you must stop at Wal-Greens for Twizzlers. By the time you have consumed all that, you will have reached your destination. She didn’t mention this next part but she should have. By the time you reach your destination you will also have some intestinal disturbances that require immediate attention. I’m writing that down for future reference.
The drive up on Friday was very pleasant. We stopped at a hotel for the night in Cincinnati. I inadvertently flashed the nice security man with my full on matching underwear set when Freddie opened to door to receive extra pillows. If any of you living in Ohio find my dignity, would you please send it back to me?
Sammie and Freddie and I got up early on Saturday morning to finish our journey and in the interest of “saving time” I was fixing my hair in the reflection of the car window while they packed up the car. I’m so nice. Anyway, I put my hair stuff on top of the car for easy access, then buckled myself into the front seat after I was satisfied that my part was straight and my eyelashes looked okay and away we went. With my stuff still on top of the car. Sigh . . . I never learn.
On Saturday night, after we had gotten Sammie all settled in to her adorable “dorm room”, Freddie and I headed for another hotel. Due to a snafu in making hotel reservations, I almost had to sleep in the same bed as Freddie. She’s great, really cute and nice and all that. I’m sure Ian likes to sleep in the same bed as her lots. But I don’t. I prefer to snuggle with my own pillows, not my friends. Freddie thinks I’m really cute and nice and all that but she doesn’t want to sleep with me either. She wants to snuggle with her husband and her pillows, not her friends. We managed to eventually secure a room suitable for two non-dating, non-related friends. I’m writing down for future reference to always double check room reservations before 11:00 pm on the night of arrival. I think that will be helpful.
While I luff Freddie and enjoy her company, I was overjoyed to get home. Until I noticed my tomato plant was on the brink of death due to dehydration. I should know better than to ever leave my house for three days with my stuff lying around outside. I ran around the side of the house to get my hose to perform CPR on my tomatoes and discovered my hose was missing. So here is my first open letter on this here blog:
Dear Shitweasel –
I understand that today’s economy is tight. I realize that many people are struggling to make ends meet. Sometimes we have to do things we prefer not to in order to find our way out of this mess we call “recession”. Usually that means taking on a second job or even selling off things of value in order to pay the rent. I myself have found that tightening the belt is helpful. Your methods, in all honesty, leave something to be desired.
I don’t begrudge you the use of my water. I’ve noticed you’ve been using it for a while now. I even appreciate the new and various placements of my two water hoses every day when I come home from work. I’ve left those hoses out for you even, thinking that maybe your need is so great that you would come to harm without the water.
But now you’ve gone and pissed me off. While you thought you were being helpful and friendly by curling up my one admittedly crappy hose into a perfect circle and placing it gently next to my water spigot, the fact that you stole my good hose with the snazzy sprayer on it has put you on my poop list.
I’m now going to “Impart Wisdom” to you, my friend. You reap what you sow, shitweasel! Your stealing my hose will come back and bite you where the sun can’t get you. I laugh now in anticipation of that!
Smooches,
Jimmie
And finally on Monday I ran a 5K and it was the worst one in my running history. I ran with Jane who is always a blast but the race itself wasn’t great. My time sucked and it was too late in the day and too hot. Community support was lacking. Water stations were only okay. And while the offer of free beer after the race may appeal to some, the thought of it made me want to barf. However, Jane and I looked adorable in our running gear. We were very festive and very patriotic and while we may have sweated like hogs, we sweated like stylish hogs. Plus the race benefitted the organization Not Alone and we ran simultaneously with our service people in Afghanistan. That in itself made it worth every drop of sweat, every cramp, every tear that would have fallen if I had had the energy or the water reserves.
I really did have a very nice 4th of July weekend despite all my whining here. Sammie, I send you well wishes for this journey. Mostly I send them because you promised me to land a position for a single fabulously tall wealthy man whom you will give to me as the best present ever seeing as how he won’t want me to birth any children because he already has some. I remember that. I’ve written it down. See you soon!
Photography by Carter Andrews at Music City Faces.
Love, Jimmie 