Love, Jimmie

So I’m Prom Date Will. Not really, since that name would be moronic even by modern celebrity baby names standards. Since I’ve noticed folks maintain code names in this small corner of the internet, I thought I’d maintain the status quo (on a side note, who do you suppose that “Madre” person is? The mystery!) I’ve known the regularly scheduled author of this blog since elementary school. Back then we both had different last names since our moms changed them after remarrying because that’s what moms did back before anyone really kept records. I remember this blog’s owner back before she had the faint blue dot on her cheek. 

(Editor’s Note:  Remember the story?  A girl named Beth jammed a pencil in my cheek when I was in the 7^th grade?  And that pencil left a blue mark underneath my skin so I have a permanent tattoo memory of my 7^th grade year? Remember that?)

A quick funny story about that blue dot: A few years back, I was being taken out to lunch by my coworkers for my birthday at my favorite burrito place. After not seeing her for about a decade or so, I thought I saw her in my favorite burrito place but wasn’t completely sure. Since tattooed guys my size make ladies nervous when running excitedly toward them, I wanted to be 100% positive I had the right girl. So I did what guys do – stare. She was visibly uncomfortable from the staring, and didn’t want to make eye contact. In hindsight, this probably didn’t help her be less nervous. Anyway, when I saw the faint blue dot, I finally came over and said hi just as she was reaching in her purse for pepper spray or a machete or a 38 special. Thankfully she recognized me after a bit of looking. We exchanged info and a hug and I managed to not get shot while getting a burrito for my birthday all thanks to that blue dot. 

(Editor’s Note:  To be fair, Prom Date Will had morphed from a gangly, skinny, lanky hottie boy into a tall, muscle-y, manly hottie man in the years between our reconnection.   I’m totally used to weirdos and men with Napoleon complexes approaching me, not normal men who have all their teeth.  It was a bit of a shock.)

So why am I guest posting while she is doing her Mojo Jojo challenge? Good question. I haven’t really written much since college and high school English. I did take things seriously in the middle of the last decade, though. I blogged professionally as a side gig for a couple months, which went fairly well. I had my own personal blog for a few years that’s been dormant (and is now not functioning) for years now. I had a couple posts go viral (including the one where I busted a Court TV marketing campaign as referenced here http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/4261/), which was pretty sweet.  Before that, I actually had a couple articles published nationally in a trade magazine. That’s the most impressive way I can think of to say that I guest wrote a couple articles in an insurance magazine for a guy at work. I think I have all three copies that were ever printed of that magazine. One of them donated a page so I could get it framed, and the other two are in a folder somewhere that my wife keeps trying to throw away. Where was I going with this? I hate those ‘meta’ movies about making movies. On to some actual content!

I’m a regular guy. Kind of nerdy. I write software for a living. (Editor’s Note:  I fell asleep in that last sentence.)   I like beer, football, basketball, and 30 year old trucks. I’ve been married for a couple decades now. My wife has a couple sisters both with whom she’s really close, and now I have a couple daughters. Here’s where this gets relevant – most of the people in my family on a daily basis are women. Girls. Ladies. Penis-less folks. This gives me a lot of insight to women that I didn’t have before.

First thing I noticed is that women are mean to each other, dude. I mean like, really mean. Whoever wrote that bit about women being the fairer sex didn’t spend much time around girls when there are no guys around.  Here are a few of the things I’d like to say to all the ladies if I may:

• That neurotic feeling that you never look or feel as good as you’re supposed to? You’re doing that to yourselves! If I could wish anything upon the women of the world, it would be to have a positive self-image. Believe me, guys want you to feel good about yourselves. You know how they say the sexiest thing on a guy is confidence? That works both ways.  (Editor’s Note:  Huh.)
• If you have a multi-page checklist of things you gotta have in a significant other, chances are you’re going to have that checklist and no significant other for a long time. Wanting a guy that’s taller than you with decent oral hygiene is one thing. Wanting a guy who’s at least six but no more than nine inches taller than you who also has movie star looks, never been married, an environmentally conscious but still semi-rugged car, a job in senior management, and does marine biology on the side yet lives in Arizona is gonna be a bit tough to find. (Editor’s Note:  As long as his name isn’t LeRoy, I’m good.  Mostly.)
• Here in the American South, the phrase “bless your heart” might as well mean “Go to hell”. Substitute the latter for the former next time, and you’ll most likely come closer to the actual intent of what someone is saying to you.  (Editor’s Note:  So when snooty snothole at the gym the other day said “bless your heart” she didn’t mean bless my heart?)
• Lastly, if you don’t like the way your life is, it’s up to you to change it.  (Editor’s Note:  Wise words.  I dig it.)

You guys can see why I wanted a post from Prom Date Will, right?  When he sent it, he wrote:  it isn’t great but at least it’s late.  Whatever, man.  I think it’s great.