Pets | Love, Jimmie

Must Love Dogs, Peru

12 Jun 2018 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in I'm Going Somewhere, Pets Tags: Happy, Humor, Photos, Sad, Travel

Do all you get my Christmas card? If not, do you want to? Look, I know cards are pretty when they sit on your mantle spreading cheer for the three days you display them before Christmas, and they make a nice garbage can filler when you toss them, but I do understand that not everyone is enamored of them. Usually they include a poem about someone’s specialness, either the recipient or the Lord, and occasionally you get a signature that says, “Love you, XOXO” but otherwise there’s not a lot of substance. My favorites are the ones with pictures of your family, whatever that format looks like. I don’t have one of those to put on a card but I do try to make my card special with glitter and also a letter in which I am charming and funny. Sometimes I’ll make you cry, and I’ll be honest, that is intentional.

This past December I wrote in my letter about the loss of my kitty varmints, one to old age and one to a sense of adventure (hopefully). It was with no sense of regret that I threw the litter box away although it did take me six months to do it because I remained hopeful that Seamus would return with a wife and children in tow. I do know he lost his neuters at the tender age of “kitten” but a girl can dream.

Anyway, if you receive my card you already know this but if you don’t, surprise! I’m animal free and have been since September which is often really lonely. I pee alone all the time now and I sleep with all six of my pillows all to myself. It’s nice until it isn’t.

Also, since I can’t (won’t) seem to write with any regularity anymore, I’ll also tell you that I recently redid my living room. I got new paint and new furniture and a nice new rug that mostly covers the cat barf stains, and the orange fur coating that once blanketed my house has virtually disappeared. Things look nice and clean, and I’ve been very pleased. It’s just, I guess I can’t have nice things because since the orange fluffy loves of my life disappeared, all I can think about is a dog. YOU ARE NOT TO ENCOURAGE ME. My looking at the Humane Society website daily is encouragement enough. Also my Instagram stalking of all cute dogs, and my seeking out people with dogs, and my researching adoption policies for doggie rescue centers – that’s all I can take.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am not ready for a dog. I have a nice new clean living room with a new rug and new sofas. I travel way too often. I work way too far from home. I do not have expendable income to be spent on bowel surgeries after a dog eats the socks I lost under the new sofa. I don’t particularly like dog licks. My bedroom linens are solid white. I am not prepared. I still want one.

What will save me, I think, is my list of requirements for a dog. I have potential suitor requirements, found here, and I now I have dog requirements. Both of them are strict and if my ring-less left finger is any indicator of how well my strict process lends itself to actually putting a ring on it, I imagine I’ll be dog free for quite some time.

The dog cannot have a dumb name. I’m really over the Hendrixes and the Cobains and the trend of naming pets after weed and then abandoning them to a shelter because you are too burnt to take care of them.
My dog must wear t-shirts. Cool ones but not ones in memory of Hendrix or Cobain or weed.
My dog must not be interested in showing affection by licking.
My dog must not smell like Fritos.
I need a tall dog, a burly dog, a dog with large feet.
My dog must not have social anxiety or panic attacks or need any medication to control his mood disorder. A thunder shirt is fine, though.
No puppies! I need a stately dog, with some wisdom and potty training.
My dog must not need more grooming than me.
My dog must be able to be a couch potato sometimes. We are not taking up distance running, no thank you.
My dog must love dogs.
My dog will be a rescue or adoption.

This is by no means an exhaustive list.

I went to Peru, do you remember? Most of this content was a lead in for that question, and for the following photos, a collection I affectionately call “Street Dogs of Peru.” Guys, lookit them!

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I might have tricked you. One of these might be a llama. These dogs (and llamas) will also try to trick you. They will look at you with those sad eyes, in a posture of pitiful, but they aren’t, not even the hairless ones. They are the most well-behaved, healthiest, cleanest dogs you have ever seen. Happy, too. Not when you walk by with American pizza, of course, or a street taco, because they want you to feel bad so you will share your delicious treats, those fat little beasts. Some of them wear clothes and some wear collars. Some of them just roam all night like alley cats. You won’t catch their names yet they have friends everywhere. Aren’t they all so cute? Even the hairless ones!

Real Peru coming soon, not just Peruvian dogs.

So I Went To Peru

11 Jun 2018 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Pets

Hey, guys! I went to Peru! I saw my little sis, Squirt!

This is a picture she took*, and honestly it needs to stand alone.

Llama

*(Not photoshopped, not filtered, not altered in any way. It was an accidental photobomb that resulted in the best picture ever taken as long as you don’t count the monkey selfie that made the rounds a few years ago.)

I have way more coming soon. Stay tuned.

Good-bye, Little Man

15 Mar 2017 10 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Pets Tags: Cats

Hi, guys. I have some news.

Murphy is gone. I don’t want to cry so just please accept that he was an old man at 16, and that I never wanted either of my little men to be in any pain at any time. Letting him go was best for him and Murphy had always made it clear that his life was not about me, it was about him. He went to sleep peacefully in my arms as I rubbed his scruffy ear. It was his favorite thing in the world.

For those of you who are new, I adopted Murphy and Seamus when they were 7 and 8 years old. I bought a house and decided it needed a cat, so I wandered into the pet store to have a gander at the adopt-a-cat selections. I was looking for a nice, cozy, fat beast to lie around on my sofa and purr and generally make my house feel like it was really mine. The staff presented many selections, all of whom I loved, but most of whom I could see tearing up my furniture instead of lounging on it. When the staff presented two very mature kitties, I was taken. Seamus was promised to be a letdown because he didn’t do normal cat things, and Murphy was promised to be every cat lover’s dream. The two had to be adopted together, otherwise Seamus would have . . . . what? Fallen apart? Hidden forever? Expired from sorrow? I have no idea anymore. Their owner died and Seamus didn’t recover well and Murphy was his only steady source of comfort, so viola! I found myself with two cats.

Seamus really was weird and shy and hid under the bed for four years. That is not an exaggeration. Four years, and I’d only see him occasionally because he had to eat and poop. He’s good now, not a letdown at all, coming out often to eat and poop and also play with his stuffed crab and my ponytail holders and beg for treats. Murphy taught him the joys of drinking from the toilet so now he finds great fun in that. I’m terrified he’s going to slide in and get stuck because he’s as fat as a bear, but who am I to deny him his comforts?

And as it turns out, Murphy really was the cat lover’s dream. He was curious, as evidenced by the shreds he ripped through my curtains when he leapt from the dining room table to the top of the tabbed fabric panels over my glass doors. Ripped his way all the way down and then leapt again in a new spot to shred his way down on the other side. He was friendly, absolutely. I can’t tell you how many people in my neighborhood have entertained him in their homes or on their vehicles on a sunny day. He was a lover. So many fights happened in the neighborhood between Murphy and some nemesis who was encroaching on his girlfriends. Murphy would blow up like a watermelon, all hissing and fur, and get the crap beaten out of himself by a cat with real neuters and twice the weight. His poor little ears were full of dings and chips yet he always went back for more and then strutted around the house like a peacock with raggedy fur.

I said just a few days ago that when I expired, Murphy would go with me because his heart was broken. Well now he’s gone and broken mine. Of all the men who got to choose whether or not they loved me, Murphy did so the longest. We bonded on day one and if he ever caught me prone on the sofa or the bed, he’d drape himself across my legs or my chest and make biscuits, purring until he went to sleep. He never purred otherwise. If I wasn’t prone but upright, he’d perch near my head and make biscuits until he went to sleep. I never got to go the bathroom alone but always had an audience of Murphy at my feet, watching me with sleepy eyes. If we were outside together, he followed behind me wherever I walked and softly meowed at me to let me know he was there. On good days and on bad days, I could pick him up like a baby, head in the crook of my arm and paws up in the air, and rub his ears until his eyes glazed over and his paws splayed wide open. Like the most contented cat in the world.

Murphy lived his life full of zeal. There wasn’t a single part of it that he did not embrace with wild abandon. I’m so thankful he had a good life. I’m so thankful that I could give him the gift of peace when that good life was no longer an option. And I will have you note that my dreams of having a cozy, fat beast to lie around on my sofa and purr never did materialize but the one of making my house mine, well that one did. Ah, yes. Such is life with cats.

Salut, little Murph. I sure do miss you.

Murphy, weighing in at 9 pounds

Oh, Yes I Did

11 Sep 2014 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in In Which I Throw Myself Under The Bus, Lost Stuff, Outings, Pets Tags: Fair, Humor, Monkey Rodeo

“Can you point me in the direction of the pig races?” I asked the police officer standing next to the information booth.

Daisy and I were at the fair, and currently she was standing somewhere behind me, looking earnestly off into the distance, pretending she didn’t know me.

“Did you really just ask me that?” the police officer wanted to know. His eyes were crinkly and he sort of laughed but sort of didn’t.

“That’s what my friend said!” I said, pointing to Daisy who was sneaking a look at me but then whipped around with her arms crossed like she didn’t know me again. “But you are standing here next to this information booth and I thought you might know.”

He continued to almost but not really laugh at me, and then headed over to someone more knowledgeable that the three of us to ask where the pig races were. As I waited for him to amble back, I said to Daisy, “What is that smell? It’s awful, isn’t it? Gross.”

She hissed from the side of her mouth, her back still turned towards me, “Yes, and I told you not to ask him that. I can’t believe you asked a police officer about a pig race!”

I wanted to see it, although not as desperately as I wanted to see the monkey rodeo. I’d heard from Woney that the piggies run for Oreos, and how can you not love a pig that runs for Oreos? And then Capuchins wearing racing gear whilst riding dogs around a race track? Come on, that’s genius! I had a plan at the ready: we would see the monkey rodeo and we would top that off with the pig races, and while we were at it, we were going to eat corndogs as big as our heads and some roasted corn. Perhaps I would cap the night off with fried banana pudding on a stick and then take some boiled peanuts home for later. In the midst of all that, we’d wander around looking at the rides we used to ride and lament the fact that those rides now make us barf due to age-related motion sickness. We’d check out the cloggers and the guy who carves bears out of logs of wood with a chainsaw. If we did all of that without getting food poisoning or an injury, it would be the best night of our lives.

Unfortunately, Daisy and I were having difficulty having the best night of our lives because we could not find the pig races. We walked around the fairgrounds multiple times looking for that race track, literally from one end to the other. We found the corndogs as big as our heads. We found the roasted corn. We found the clogging stage and the sweet shop. We found the giant potato on the back of an 18-wheeler that they drove up and down interstate. What we could not find were the pig races.

“What is that smell,” Daisy asked as we walked by the police officer again, wrinkling her nose. “My gosh, it’s terrible!”

“I know,” I said. “We’ve smelled this before. How do we keep ending up here?” I noticed the police officer eyeballing us, so we scuttled off quickly. We lurched around, a little lost. The fairgrounds were beginning to look the same what with the barnyard animals and tractors everywhere.

“Let’s just go back to the monkey rodeo area. At least we’ll get to see that, and honestly, if I don’t get a good seat, I’ll whine.” Daisy, humoring me, agreed and off we trotted, passing the sewage-like area again.

“Man, that really smells bad,” I said. “What IS that?”

Once we arrived at the monkey rodeo area, and I have to tell you, it’s officially called the Banana Derby, I ran squealing over to Gilligan the monkey and dug a dollar out of my pocket to give him. In return, I received a crappy postcard and a handshake from Gilligan who, quite frankly, could not give a shit. He took my dollar, threw it into the bucket, snatched the postcard from its resting place and walked it over to me. He was not nearly as moved by the handshake as I was and stared off into the distance, dreaming of mango. The race, which we sat 30 minutes on the bleachers in advance for, lasted about three minutes. The crowd was packed in around the racing fence and cheered in a collective holler. It was the best three minutes of my life and even Daisy, who had originally questioned my desire to see the racing monkeys, was enamored, I could tell.

Once the Banana Derby ended, the crowd shifted over to the next trailer, and much to my chagrin, I realized that the pig races were less than 100 feet from the monkey rodeo. Good grief. I don’t know why you people let me drive anywhere.

The pig races were much more exciting than the Banana Derby, and it turns out that piggies run for Oreos in California, not in Tennessee. In Tennessee, piggies run for cheez doodlez. So do ducks, goats, and baby piggies. See how fast they run? Not a clear shot in the bunch.

Daisy and I had eaten the corndogs as big as our heads already, but after all the racing excitement, we realized we were far too full for roasted corn, fried desserts on sticks, or cotton candy. The sweet shop was going to soldier on without our money. The boiled peanut vendor would not see our faces at all. It was a sad moment to think of all the fair food we were going to leave behind, but we perked right up when the roasted corn vendor assured us he could wrap some up for us to take home. We collected our corn and walked tiredly to the exit gate, the same gate where I had nearly gotten arrested by a police officer, and the same gate that was near the awful smell.

We neared the pathway and Daisy said again, “How does anyone stand that smell? It’s the most gruesome thing I’ve ever experienced in my life!” We walked around the curve, into the foul odor, and down the same path we had traveled three times already. Just as we neared the exit, we heard an announcer, right in that curve, holler, “Pig Races Countdown begins now!” Yep. We’d missed the big race, the one where the piggies probably run for Oreos. Oh, we’d seen the little race, the redneck one, the one over by the monkeys and the giant potato. Three times we’d walked by this pig arena, three times we nearly threw up our corndogs because of the pig smell, and three times we didn’t even see the sign, didn’t understand that the eau de manure was the pig pen. Good grief, I don’t even know how Daisy stands me, do you?

Meet The Flintstones

28 May 2014 Leave a comment

by Love, Jimmie in Family, I'm Going Somewhere, Pets Tags: Humor, Memorial Day

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had a husband. That husband met my parents and liked Daddy-O enough to plan a trip down to Florida so that he and Daddy-O could go fishing. Husband showed up at Daddy-O’s house at the appointed time and found Daddy-O cutting back trees in the yard. Daddy-O asked Husband for assistance with those trees before they left to go fishing and eight hours later, Husband said, “I don’t know about you, but I’ve never done any fishing like this” as he carried the final bunch of limbs out to the curb. They never did go fishing together and both learned a valuable lesson – sometimes plans fall apart.

Once upon a time, very recently, I made plans to hang with Woney and her parents in Georgia for Memorial Day weekend. We were going to attend parties, have some cocktails with my friends, Miguel and Will, and lounge by the pool. I wasn’t worried at all about liking Woney’s parents because, hello, Woney. And I wasn’t worried about them liking me because, hello, Jimmie. I showed up at Pa Fred and Ma Wilma’s house ready to party but instead I moved furniture. Someone in the family sold a house and someone else felt like it was a marvelous idea to schedule a surprise clean-out on the only three-day weekend this family was gonna get. I wasn’t dressed at all for moving as I like girlie dresses and floppy shoes, and after a long time of me uselessly flapping around saying “What should I pack next? Whose truck does this go in? I can lift this end if you can get the other end,” we finally got to sit down and eat pizza in our dirty, sweaty clothes. I said to the Flintstone family, “I don’t know about you, but I never attended any parties like this before – usually there is a pool and a barbeque,” as I wiped the sweat and mascara from my cheek. We never did get to meet my friends for drinks, either. I learned a valuable lesson – sometimes plans fall apart.

Lest you think I have my panties all in a twist over the surprise moving party, I’m going to tell you that my Memorial Day weekend was fabulous. It really was. Woney’s parents, Pa Fred and Ma Wilma, were just the nicest parents ever. When I arrived, Woney was showing me all around the room, introducing me to her family, and mentioned that I was the friend she took to Ireland. She was telling the story about how I would not kiss the Blarney Stone (y’all, it has been urinated upon) to receive the Gift of Gab (that’s what it promises), and Pa Fred said, “She already has the gift of gab – she doesn’t need it!” I hadn’t even said hello to him yet but I could tell we were gonna see eye to eye, Pa Fred and I.

Oh, I loved those people! Ma Wilma made a salad for the family but because I don’t eat maraschino cherries, she left them out. Aunt Collette offered me some of Aunt Sue’s belongings even though I never met Aunt Sue and won’t because her house was the one that was sold after her passing. Niece McKenzie, the most beautiful 16-year-old girl I know, is making plans to travel with Woney and me in the near future. All Woney’s brothers treated me like they treat Woney except maybe nicer because while I’m sister-like, I’m not really their sister and don’t deserve to be picked on just yet.

I also met Woney’s new cat, Boo. Isn’t she cute?

Well, she’s cute in real life where she is exactly this blurry as she tears all around the house and finally stops when she claws her way lickety split up your leg and you knock her off. We came home from moving to find Pa Fred kicked back in his recliner, a bandage fashioned from a paper towel and secured on with a ring of electrical tape around his leg to staunch the bleeding inflicted by Boo’s claws. He reminds me of Poppa. “I hate that damn cat,” he’d say but then five minutes later you’d catch him stroking her furry, blurry head.

I got more hugs that I deserved from these people. The Flintstone family gives great hugs, just like my family. They share their inside jokes and make fun of each other and have dinner together at a table that is ever so slightly too small but it doesn’t matter because they all like each other and want to sit close. I got more apologies than I deserved, too. Each person apologized to me, their guest, for being forced into a move no one planned on the weekend meant for parties and barbeques, which I really did not mind. I hate to tell them but when they meet my family, they will have to move tree limbs in order to earn pizza and fishing. It’s all going to come out in the wash!

Guest Post: Seamus. Journal Entries.

09 Nov 2013 Leave a comment

by Love, Jimmie in Guest Post, Pets Tags: Humor

Monday

I can’t wait for Person to get up. I want the sink. Had no idea there was water in the sink.

Tuesday

Person is taking forever to get out of bed. The sink! I want the sink! Water!

Wednesday

I know. I will lie in the sink. Person will surely get up now.

Thursday

The sink is my favorite place. So cozy. I wish Person would stop grimacing in the mirror over the sink. She’s hogging all my space.

Friday

I hear Person! She’s going to the sink! Must dash – she cannot think the sink is hers!

Saturday

Why do I not have thumbs?! Person is very stingy with the water in the sink. I know. Will smother her in her sleep but must make sure the water is on before doing so. All the water, all the sink, all mine!

Huh. Person misunderstood smothering and took pictures and told everyone that I was snuggling her because I was cold. As if.

Sunday

Person is not here. Dying. Must get water from the sink.

Monday

Genius idea! Will cuddle with Person and meow forcefully until she turns on water in the sink.

Tuesday

Uh oh. Person now thinks I love her, due to cuddling. Very, very bad. Must ignore person. Will do some thinking in the sink.

Wednesday

Ha, ha, Person left the sink on the entire time she was in the shower. Ha, ha, she is such a moron.

Thursday

Person invited someone over called Slim. Slim uses my sink. I hate Slim.

Nevermind. Slim turned on the water. I love Slim.

Friday

Person interrupted my nap in the sink. I hate Person.

Saturday

Person invited someone else over called Woney! Woney uses my sink! I hate Woney!

Sunday

Wait, I forgot. I love Woney! Cannot explain it but I love her. Want to cuddle with her. Does not compute.

Monday

Person laughed at me in the sink. She took my picture. Hate Person.

Tuesday

Person laughed at me in the sink. She took my picture. Hate Person.

Wednesday

Murphy tried to get in my sink. I love Murphy. Hate Person.

Jimmie’s Note: You guys! Seamus cuddled with me! Murphy wasn’t even around and Seamus crawled up on the couch and cuddled with me! He loves me. I knew it. He really, really loves me.

Seamus’s Note: No I don’t. Hate Person. Love sink.

Breaking News! (And Other Assorted Stories)

17 Oct 2013 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends, Pets, Uncategorized Tags: Humor

“How do you stand it?” asked Slim. “It’s so quiet in here!”

I get that a lot when someone new comes to my house. Remember I don’t have a television and you should also know that I don’t have internet either.

You know what else I get, though? People, who upon arriving at my house say that they would die without the noise, falling asleep on my sofa because they are just so relaxed in my marshmallow house. Slim is one of the many whom I’ve found laid out under the fan, hand resting on a sleeping Murphy’s head, snoozing. It only takes about ten minutes for that to happen and then suddenly, everyone is converted to my way of living.

Well, not everyone. Luke is not converted. Luke actually has a giant man-television in his bonus room on which he watches football and other assorted man-TV. Sometimes when I drive by his house and see the glow of the television, I get sort of . . . . jealous. I miss the mindlessness of television on occasion. I miss the laziness of it after a long day, when holding up a book with two whole hands is just too much work. I texted Luke about it one night.

“Hey, can I come watch tv with you sometime? I promise not to talk during any football games and I can bring food.”

Turns out those were the magic words. “Come any time,” he said, “and I like chili.”

One Sunday evening soon after that I ran into him in his yard. “Tonight is the season finale of True Blood,” he said. “You should come watch it.”

“What’s True Blood?” I asked.

“I’ll explain later,” he says. “What are you cooking?”

That evening I put on decent pajamas, ones that cover my whole body, and a hoodie and traipsed over to Luke’s house. I first made my nosy inspection of all his rooms, his washer and dryer and his closets, having never been through his entire house. Then I perched on his futon sofa, highly anticipating a fantastic, lazy, mindless television experience.

That is not at all what I got. Firstly, I learned that True Blood is a vampire show and secondly, I learned that there is all kinda nudity and sex in it. Luke sort of knew that but after about two full-on nudie, really uncomfortable, not-much-left-to-the-imagination-sex scenes, he tentatively said, “Erm, I didn’t realize there would be so much of . . . . that . . . .” as he waved his hand in the general direction of the television. I could barely look at him and we both did that nervous giggle – a very tepid and strangled heh. Heh, heh, gurgle, heh. It only got worse when we saw some full frontal male nether parts. We both sat there, crimson and quiet.

So that lasted for an hour. He flipped around the channels after True Blood and then I got to experience Duck Dynasty and that was eye-opening. Also, cleaner. I enjoyed it very much. We ate M&Ms and watched television and for one half hour, all was marvelous, mindless and lazy. I am a Duck Dynasty convert.

I have other news to share with you. I have no nifty segue, though, so I’ll risk the jarring leap and just jump right in.

You remember my sister, Martie, right? The one who is practically my twin? I mean, look at us. Could we be more alike?

Martie’s musical talent:

La, la, la!

Jimmie’s musical talent:

Decidedly not la, la, la

Martie’s children:

Pooh

Tigger

Jimmie’s children:

*crickets*

Martie’s pets:

Rock, weighing in at roughly 71 pounds

Roll, weighing in at 72 pounds or so

Jimmie’s pets:

Murphy, weighing in at 9 pounds

Seamus, weighing in at 14 pounds, give or take a bag of treats or two

Martie’s husband:

Coach

Jimmie’s husband:

*crickets*

Martie’s hair:

: Glorious, Full, Thick Mane of Horse Hair

Jimmie’s hair:

: Dandelion Fluff

Erm . . . huh. How bout this one?

Jimmie’s blog:

Jimmies World

Martie’s blog:

Is That A Hair In My Biscuit?

That’s right, folks! Martie has a blog and you should totally read it! Especially this one, as it’s my favorite. Plus, she has a contest going and you could potentially win cool stuff. We will link to each other often, so get ready. You now have two of us! Heh. Heh, heh, gurgle, heh.

I Win!

03 Jul 2013 5 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Pets Tags: Humor

Roll

You see this dog? This dog is the Seamus of dogs. He’s a beautiful dog. He likes treats. He has fur. And he cannot stand me.

I am not, by nature, a very patient person. If you look at me from the outside you would disagree with me. I do have the appearance of being extraordinarily patient and calm. I speak softly when I answer the same questions you have asked me fifteen times already. I don’t wear scents that burn the very hairs from your nostrils, but instead one that is faintly reminiscent of warm brownies. My hair is gently fluffy (unless I am applying for jobs, then it is full out “Fatal Attraction” sexy wild. Apparently.) My clothes consist of gauzy, wafty things that drape gently around me. See? Patient. And dare I say, wholesome.

I think I got off on a tangent there. The point I am trying to make is that I appear to be longsuffering, as evidenced by the four years I’ve spent trying to win the love of Seamus, the cat, and the three years I’ve spent trying to win the love of Roll, the dog. (Roll belongs to Martie and Coach, along with Rock, pictured below. I probably should have explained that.) On the outside, I am calm and serene. On the inside, though, I’m a burning mess of “Why won’t you love me, @#%^ cat?!” or, “@#%^ dog?!”, depending on whose house I’m in. (This dichotomy is good for the stomach lining, by the way. No acid reflux here, no sir.)

Rock

Like with Seamus, I’ve done everything I can think of to win that dog’s affection. I’ve offered my long scratchy nails. I’ve purchased hamburgers specifically for his consumption. I’ve folded my legs Indian style and parked myself on Martie’s patio for extensive minutes, waiting for Roll to stop running away from me as if I’m going to beat him between the eyes with a ball peen hammer.

And y’all? It worked. It worked!

Last weekend I drove up Martee’s driveway and hauled my three bags of clothes into her house for my two-day stay. We ventured out to the patio and once again, I called softly to Roll, asking for the pleasure of scratching his ears. He was not having it. I sighed and sat grumpily down in the patio chair, mad at the dog who never lets me pet him. Martee and I watched Tigger ride her bike all around the yard and talked about nonsense and watched Coach water the flowers. I felt something lick my leg and lean its head on my knee. I reached down to scratch Rock’s ears and just happened to glance at what I was scratching. It was not Rock. It was Roll.

Martie has been telling me for years that Roll loves me, that he’s just shy and protective. I’d have believed it if I didn’t see him wallering all over everyone else in the family but me, his stomach exposed and his ears flopped back, the epitome of a relaxed dog. I guess now I see the truth. He does love me! He really does! Happy sigh.

I will end this heartwarming love story with an open note to Seamus, the cat.

Dear Seamus –

You will not beat me, cat. You will not. You will love me. I will pursue you with a relentless fervor and an endless bag of treats. I did that with Roll and I won. I will win with you, too.

Suck on that,

Jimmie

P.S. I somehow fixed the Post About Nothing. I have no idea what I did, so please, no one contact me for technical assistance as I will only be able to tell you that I got my hair cut and whined about my broken blog a whole lot. Read it if you like – it’s only moderately interesting.

Injury – Sniffle

01 Jun 2013 Leave a comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, I Will Cut You, Pets Tags: Humor

Y’all, I got injured last weekend.

I know what you are thinking. I know you are remembering my last post in which I told you that Woney and Squash and Nurse Bananahammock and I were going to drink like fish, and you are thinking “serves her right, big lush”. And I’ll be honest with you; this is exactly what happened in my kitchen Friday night:

Then this is what happened in my kitchen Saturday night:

And then this is what happened in my kitchen Sunday night:

And yes, a good time was had by all. Let the record show, though, that no bad decisions were made during any of these drinking incidents (unless you count my signing up and paying for a half marathon a bad decision. I am still unsure.) As I told you last time, I didn’t get to 40 by being a dumbass.

However! On Monday, when nothing happened in my kitchen at all, when none of us had a drop to drink other than water, when the sun was shining and when we were all calm and slightly subdued, I got hit by a car. Not my car. Me. *I* got hit by a car.

Let me tell you the story. See, Woney and I were dropping Squash off at the airport and as I was hugging her good-bye, I noticed that the area in which I parked my car was being encroached upon by a minivan with an old woman at the wheel. I thought to myself, “She’s awfully close there,” but then continued my sayonaras and arriva dercis with Squash. I made to return to my car and noticed that the old lady was even further encroached in the space where my back bumper sat. To avoid a tight squeeze between our cars, I walked around the front of my car to get in. As I did so, she gunned her motor, racing up to speeds of a half a mile an hour and she hit me. A person. She hit a person. With her minivan.

Ooh, I was Not Happy! I smacked her minivan and said “badword, badword, badword, LADY!” And do you know what she did? She gave me a finger wave and drove off. Like, “whoops, toodles, ta ta.” I’m here to tell you that her version of a finger wave after that sort of accident and my version of a finger wave after that sort of accident are two different finger waves.

Y’all, I was injured. I had not been drinking (again, not a dumbass), was totally in my own lane, was hugging a friend good-bye, and some nefarious wretched old person injured me. Probably I’m going to keep the nature of the injuries to myself until I see what kind of sympathy I can get from all of you, but ow.

And then! It gets worse! I have another story.

So Murphy, who is a bit of a slut, very much enjoyed the company of my nice new and old friends this weekend. All attention, all the time and Murphy is happy. Typically I’m alright with that as there’s only so much ear rubbing and fur scratching one person can give. Its only when he settles down into comfy Murphy, all wadded up amongst the covers, that I enjoy him the most. In those instances, when he’s snuggly and warm and purring, I’d rather have him all to myself. That’s the best Murphy, see. It upset me ever so slightly that Murphy decided to knead his biscuits on Woney’s blanket during all the girl movies we watched. I got a little indignant when he snoozed away the hours on her knees, but again, he’s pretty free with his love and I guess that’s what you expect from that sort of cat.

Seamus, though, is the one who did me in – this is the really injurious part (you see what I did there?). For three and one half years I have waited for that cat to come out of his shell. I’ve been patient, giving him peas and treats and space. I just knew that my persistence would eventually win him over. His shyness was the whole reason I adopted those two varmints in the first place. Well, his shyness and the hopes I could make him overcome it. I’ve waited for the day he would tentatively and shyly creep over to my side of the bed, settle himself in the crook of my arm and snooze away. And he did do that. He did. BUT WITH WONEY!

Now I love Woney, don’t get me wrong, but are you f-ing @#$$%@#@ kidding me? I said “badword, badword, badword, SEAMUS!” Want to know what he did? He gave me a finger wave and went to sleep.

Feel sorry for me, won’t you?

Cinco de Drinko

22 May 2013 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Home Improvement, Pets Tags: Humor

So this past Saturday night as I was snaking a drain, I began a deep process of reflection over the state of my life. I reflected that I have two very bad cats, one of which sheds an entire cat in fur every day. I reflected that this same cat takes every opportunity he can to eat grass outside and then sprint inside to barf on my carpet. I reflected that I was at home, alone on a Saturday night, using a screwdriver to lever the drain stopper out of the sink. I then reflected fondly on the last few months of Saturday nights when I spent quality time with new and old friends, boozing it up and making merry and not staying home on a Saturday night to use a screwdriver to lever the drain stopper out of the sink. Then the stopper came out and I reflected that I sure do get awfully mad at a cat that does unspeakable things to my house for someone whose own shedding process has stopped up a drain beyond all hope (almost).

Speaking of quality time with new and old friends, boozing it up and making merry, I realize I never finished my Trip to Tampa story. Remember that trip I took to meet strangers back in January? I flew down to Florida on someone else’s dime (because people are nice) and met up with Woney and two strangers, Nurse Bananahammock and Squash, all three of which are coming to visit me this weekend. I never told you about it because I’m a big fat liar. However, with the looming holiday visit and the potential for alcohol consumption, all involving my new and old friends, I decided to stop being a liar and start being a writer. (For the record, Nurse Bananahammock coined the title above and while I do understand that the Cinco de Mayo holiday has passed, I was enamored of it and had to use it.)

The trip to Tampa was truly one of the best trips of my life. I had no idea how much I would genuinely like these new girls. Squash and I snuggled on a bed and fantasized about what our last meal would be if we got the chance to choose it. Nurse Bananahammock told the story of how she met and married her husband which will most likely be my love story next February. We played putt-putt and all discovered that I’m just as adept at putt-putt as I am at bowling. We also drank. A lot.

Now I’m not a big drinker. I’m a rare drinker. I’m also a total lightweight and a complete flirt when I drink. It does not matter to me one whit if you are a normal-looking person in a bar or a stranger in an alley missing some crucial bits of enamel from your mouth, I’m going to meet you. I’m going to introduce myself and tell you that I’m your favorite and if you ask me for a kiss, I’m going to give you one. Nurse Bananahammock has a husband that I shall call Rick, and Rick makes these margaritas that make you want to hurt yourself, and I had about three of those Rickaritas and all my new acquaintances became my new best friends and I loved them all. The fact that Nurse Bananahammock has a husband, Rick, and Squash has a husband, Bob, did stop me from kissing their wives (I do respect boundaries after all), but boy did I have a nice time. A lot of fond memories there . . . .

Rickarita

Now let’s move on to the Mississippi trip. I didn’t tell you about that either, did I? I’m such a big, fat liar. Remember how Woney moved to Mississippi? Remember how she used to live in California? Remember how California is one of those sophisticated places with fancy bars and trendy eateries and general niceness? Well, turns out Mississippi has some nice things to offer as well, and Woney took me to one.

Daiquiri World!

Y’all, this is a drive thru daiquiri place. Did you get that? DRIVE THRU. DAIQUIRI PLACE. You drive around the side of the building, up to the window, peruse the menu and holler, “I’ll have the Pink Panties, please,” and the woman at the window serves it right up. And then you can just DRIVE OFF with that daiquiri in your paw. Mind you, the driver of the car is technically not supposed to put the straw in the cup (this is how they get around the drinking and driving law, I guess), but I didn’t see a single person leave without that straw firmly ensconced in that cup.

I took a few swigs of my DRIVE THRU DAIQUIRI before leaving the place and during that time, Woney and I were called “Baby” by no fewer than fifteen people. The bouncer at the door, the guy playing pool (who also told us that we were the best looking things to ever grace the place – and I agreed with him), the server of the daiquiris, a guy in the parking lot, a girl in the parking lot. The list continues. By number fifteen I was feeling the effects of the DRIVE THRU DAIQUIRI and started to become enamored of those affectionate folks. I’d hear “Baby” and turn expectantly, Iips puckered, and flutter my eyelashes. Woney, who knows me well, sensed this turn of events and hightailed me out of there. It was a fantastic experience. I very much want to go back.

I’m guessing that Memorial Day weekend will bring loads of similar good stories about me and my nice friends. I’m also guessing that it will bring lots of alcohol consumption. We’ve got this spreadsheet going on which we list all the things we want to do while they are here. There will be snuggling on beds discussing our chosen last meals. There will be girlie movies out the wazoo. There will be a visit to the Opry. And finally, there will be many, many tasty beverages. I’m alright with that. Bring it on, nice new and old friends. I am so ready for you! (And I even have clean drains!)

(Just because I know my audience and know how much you luff me, please know that mostly I’ll be the DD so please, no worries and no lectures. I didn’t get to 40 by being a dumbass.)

Love, Jimmie

Must Love Dogs, Peru

So I Went To Peru

Good-bye, Little Man

Oh, Yes I Did

Meet The Flintstones

Guest Post: Seamus. Journal Entries.

Breaking News! (And Other Assorted Stories)

I Win!

Injury – Sniffle

Cinco de Drinko

Jimmie

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