(Birthday) Wishes Do Come True

23 Jun 2012 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends Tags: ,

It’s been over two weeks since I celebrated the 19th anniversary of my 21st birthday.  It has taken us that long to stop celebrating.  I think I shocked everyone by not crying even a little on my birthday.  Freddie sent me a text that morning that said, “Happy Birthday, pretty lady!” and I responded with “Thanks! Forty is going to be a great year.”  She, understandably, responded with suspicion yet we were all pleasantly surprised that I meant it. 

Remember how I made my list of stuff I wanted from each of you and you all thought I was crazy and made fun of me?  I’m telling you, it worked!  I’m totally doing that again next year. 

Pictures are worth a thousand words, right?  Here’s just a sampling of my birthday goodies. 

Private eyes (clap, clap) they’re watching you . . . .

If you don’t recall why I needed it, go read this post for significance.

Do my friends know me or what?

If you don’t recall why I needed them, go read this post for significance.

Well, hello there Tony.

If you don’t recall why these are an amazing gift, go read this post for significance.  This here is a picture of Tony encased in a coaster.  This is way better than getting up at four in the morning to work out (see his abs).  Now I can simply take one of these to the gym with me, set my girlie cocktail on it, strap myself into the fat shaker machine, and have a peek at Tony and his abs every time I take a sip.  Perfect!

From Felix I got my hug (that man smells divine) and this, painted just for me:

I don’t need to tell you that I cried, right?  Isn’t it gorgeous?

From Jonquil, I got the best rainbow card of all time and a box of rainbow stuff that made my living room look like a unicorn threw up in it: 

There are exactly 40 links in that rainbow chain.

Pooh and Tigger confiscated these immediately.

Madre made me this, even though she didn’t have to:

We had to QC it before serving. That’s why that corner is missing.

After all this bounty, I am fully confident that you just need to put out there what you want in order to get it.  I was pretty sure of it before, but since this little experiment, I am certain.  See, I wanted Miguel to dance for me for seven minutes this year instead of the six minutes I asked for three years ago.  I felt we were good enough friends to take it to the next level, to step up our game.  But I forgot to write about it, and do you know what he got me for my birthday?  This:

!!!

Lesson learned people.  Do not leave men to their own devices. They will get it wrong every time.

A final gift, this one from Javier.  He promised me Wolverine sideburns.  I got them.  Ladies, this here, while originally meant for me, is now for you.  You’re welcome.  P.S. Tony, you now have a run for your money. 

You see how the sideburns really draw the eye? Yeah, me too . . .

MEOW!

 

P.P.S. Boss, you promised me a gift.  I am waiting, impatiently, with my foot tapping.  Send it already. 

P.P.P.S. Quan, we need to have a word about the cupcake situation. 

 

I Met Somebody On Craig’s List . . . .

17 Jun 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, In Which I Throw Myself Under The Bus Tags:

Get your minds out of the gutters, pervs.  My Daddy-O reads this blog. 

A while back I thought it would be a good idea to get a roommate again.  I had Roommate here for a month or two – remember, my cousin who brought Mini into our lives?  He was such a faithful garbage carrier . . . . I miss that guy.  Anyway, the whole job went down the crapper and I had a lot of extra space in parts of the house that I love to decorate but never utilize.  I figured it was time to start looking for someone.  I started trolling the internet, as it were, and found someone who typed up a lovely ad on Craig’s List which included correct grammar, correct spelling, and pictures.  Once again, let me reiterate: my Daddy-O reads this blog.  Perverts. 

We chatted via phone for a bit then met in person, then did the whole back and forth dance of “Yes, I want to do this, No it won’t work out, Now I’m back to yes again” for a few weeks before settling on “The rent is $X and both these closets are yours.”  Now I’m a firm believer in not living with your friends.  Nothing kills a female friendship faster than a roommate situation.  However, I’m open to becoming friends over time with a stranger who has moved into my home.  There is no pressure to be friends really, only to be quiet and respectful during sleeping hours and to share the kitchen nicely.  If something comes out of it, great.  If not, you make perfectly compatible roommates.  

Before Boss and I parted ways, we had a discussion about it.  It was the last bit of advice he gave me, actually.  He did the big eye roll and said something along the lines of “I really suggest you rethink your decision of having a stranger live in your house, especially someone you met on Craig’s List.”  I heard you, Boss, and I ignored you.  She’s great and to date, it’s working out really well for me. She is a faithful garbage carrier and not once has she asked me to measure her for a mountain bike. 

Now I’m going to tell you how I have been an exemplary roommate for her. 

Murphy peed on her bed.  At least we think it was Murphy.  See, roomie, and let’s call her Kasi Starr, has a kitty varmint too.  Miss Kitty reigns supreme in the upstairs portion of the house now.  When the boys venture up the stairs for a sniff or a nibble of her food, she lets them know loud and clear (and hissy, quite frankly) that the upstairs is her territory.  We aren’t quite sure which of them expressed defiance through urination, but Miss Kitty has been known to do it when she’s defending her territory and Murphy has been known to do it when he’s expressing displeasure, so really it’s a crap shoot.  Either way, Kasi Starr came home from work one day to a lovely yellow-scented bed and had to strip it down to bare bones before she could crawl in it. 

Then, just two weeks ago, I set my car alarm off in the garage at 5:45 a.m.  I guess I felt like the panic button needed testing and let’s talk about how loud and resonating that is in a garage (and most likely in the bedroom directly above the garage, where Kasi Starr sleeps) at 5:45 in the a.m., particularly when it scares me so badly that I drop my keys and have to scramble around to find them on the garage floor for a while before silencing the alarm.   After giving myself a mini heart attack, I left for the gym and then wondered if Kasi Starr was having a mini heart attack of her own.  What a nice way to be jolted from sleep, right? 

Finally, a few nights ago I heard an awful thumping sound on the stairs.  It was pretty loud and while I know Miss Kitty and Seamus are heavy animals (oh, there is a hogging food section below which will neatly explain this), it sounded much worse than two heavy-weight cats romping down the stairs.  I heard Kasi Starr say, “Oh damn.”  She said it a lot and it sounded bad. Do you know what I did?  I thought, “I should get up and go see if she’s okay.” Then you know what I did?  I went back to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning I had a vague recollection of some disturbance in the nighttime but it never fully registered until she told me about how she bounced down five or six stairs on her butt.  I really am a compassionate person but maybe not when I’m asleep?  That does sound vaguely familiar, like maybe I explained that part in the Pee-tah story.  Clearly I’m the person you want to call when you get hurt, because like I’ve said, I’m very compassionate and a fantastic cook, but perhaps you should wait until morning before doing so in order that I can be properly sympathetic.     

I’ll end with this.  While I think Kasi Starr and I will get along famously, I’m not so sure about our kitty varmints.  Miss Kitty likes to reign supreme over the boys’ food bowl in addition to the entire upstairs.  This causes Seamus great confusion as it is his happy place and he’s used to being able to bully Murphy out of the way whenever he feels the urge to nosh.  Miss Kitty takes no bullying of any sort ergo, when she wants to consume the entire contents of the food bowl, she gets to.  I don’t think she likes peas, though, so Seamus still has that comfort.  All the peas, all to himself.  He’s also learned that when she’s hogging all his food, she’s not protecting hers so he will fly up the stairs to hog her food.  When the afternoon sun hits the wall with the big window and light curtain, all the kitties curl up near-ish each other there and snooze the day away, but really, that’s the only fully peaceful time with the three of them.  Otherwise, it’s all hiss, snarl, pee, drop fur, hiss, meow, sleep, thump up and down the stairs.  

Really, it’s working out very well. 

 

 

Birthday Wishes

17 May 2012 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends, In Which I Throw Myself Under The Bus, This Will Probably Get Me In Trouble Tags: ,

Perhaps this will come as a shock to you as I know I have never mentioned it here, but I’m having a birthday soon.  A doozy – the big four oh.  You’ll be proud.  I didn’t cry at all as I typed that.  I don’t plan on crying on the big day either but as I’m learning lately, my plans almost never turn out the way I planned them.  More to come on that but maybe not today.

I’ve heard rumors that 40 is a great place to be.  I’ve heard rumors that your 40s are the sexy years, and quite frankly, I could use some sexy in my life.  I’m looking forward to new chapters, to new maturity, to more wisdom, definitely to a better job.  And some sexy.  Woo!

I mentioned once that I had my first and only hangover at age 37.  I have no idea why I waited so long but after I experienced it, I wished I had waited 37 more years.  It was not a pleasant experience.  I recall trying to get out of bed and realizing instantly that upright was no place to be.  I recall crawling slowly from my bed to my bathroom and moaning the entire way while my friend laughed hysterically from the sofa where she was experiencing her own hangover.  I recall eyeballing my friends in disbelief when they told me that I really needed food, that food would make me feel better as would a Diet Coke.  I recall that they were indeed correct.  I recall going to the pool that afternoon and I recall that when Dammit Todd came over to join us, I was filled with shame and embarrassment, so much so that I could not even look at him.

See, the night before was my birthday.  And I had made demands of all my friends with which they complied.  Shut Up Marc had to dress as Wolverine.  Miguel had to dance for me for six minutes. April had to make me a jell-o shot birthday cake (with whipped cream).  Billiam had to bring me a store bought present wrapped in birthday paper.  Bootsie just had to attend.  Pee-tah had to be my wingman.  And Dammit Todd had to be my shirtless bartender.  I was really going for a cummerbund and bowtie look but I settled for baby oil, a Sharpie and a shirtless Dammit Todd.  When Dammit Todd came to the pool the next day, I had flashbacks of me rubbing the baby oil all over him the night before and writing MINE across his chest with the Sharpie, which incidentally did not come off in the shower.  I know because he took his shirt off at the pool, too.

HOWEVER, I have grown up now. I am no longer that person who wants those sorts of childish things for her birthday.  This year I’m more mature.  And I’m celebrating with a giant 80s party .   See, totally mature.  You all are invited but only if you come dressed for the part.  I want big hair and lots of black eyeliner.  I want some neon.  I want some jelly bracelets and shoes.  I want white lipstick and George Michael.  I want foofy prom dresses.  And for crying out loud, I want some Billy Idol. Dancing with Myself, woo!

Also, I’ve been working on a list of things I want from you people.  It follows:

Freddie – I’m gonna need a cake from you

Felix – your choice of either a hug (whilst you are wearing yummy cologne) or a painting (done just for me).  Also, I will take both.

Phranke – I get a whole day with you, preferably at a spa

Quan – you need to buy me a GiGi’s cupcake and NOT EAT IT before you give it to me

Martie – I’m gonna need a cake from you

Coach – please fix my broken toilet

Dammit Todd – you are a lucky, lucky man this year.  This year I only want to meet your girlfriend.  I say that because I do not believe she exists.  Why else would it take you so long to introduce us, your two favorite people?  If you do not produce such girlfriend, I require you to be my shirtless bartender, this time with bowtie and cummerbund and black eyeliner and Flock of Seagulls hair. 

Madre – you get a pass because you birthed me, although I will take a cake from you

Daddy-O – I really don’t want to tell you this but you need to get me a new pink pocket knife (story later)

JiJi – I’m gonna need a banana pudding from you

Daddy-O – (because I forgot earlier) a stir fry and some spaghetti (these are to be separate occasions)

Javier – Wolverine sideburns.  You had better already be growing them out. 

The Squirt – I need for you to write something for me

Kindle – lunch, just you and me and possibly Phranke

Lynnette – a pedicure day

Jane – a pedicure day

Woney – a training session or five with you and Tony

Jonquil – a card with a rainbow on it

Aunt Judy – I’m gonna need a cake from you, a red velvet one

I have one final request.  This request is for the anonymous person who read my entry about how I’m overly concerned with running out of toilet paper and sent me this, right to my front door: 

Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!  I love it.  Thank you very, very much.  Anonymous person and other assorted persons who have interest in my well-being, please know that I am inordinately concerned with running out of this now and am making a request for:

  • A man, of the Christian variety which means simply that his heart beats for God
  • This same man is 6’5” or so and has nice teeth
  • This man knows how to fix toilets and such
  • This man does not wear old lady cologne
  • This man does not live at home with his mother
  • This man does not sleep on NASCAR sheets
  • This man eschews excessive garlic, onions and coffee
  • This man prefers a woman with curves (see above: all the requests for cake)
  • This man has nice taste in shoes

I’m pretty sure I saw one of these on Amazon so if any of you are stuck with no ideas for a good birthday present for me, you can take that as a very subtle hint.  Just point, click and buy.  Free delivery is included for orders over fifty bucks. 

P.S. – Jonquil, seriously, thank you for the potty paper.  I truly have the best people in my life. 

 

Musings and Amusings, by Jimmie

20 Feb 2012 5 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends, Pets Tags: ,

It’s Monday.  It’s felt like Monday all dang day. 

Why is it that on the weekends I leap out of bed at the crack of daylight when by rights, I should be lounging around in the bed, sweet talking my pillows for hours?  I love my bed. We are very close.  Yet on the days when I can demonstrate how much I love it by spending quality time with it, I’m up moving around and giving it the cold shoulder as if it forgot my birthday or something.  And then on Monday mornings, when I don’t have time to demonstrate how much I love it (because I have class with Lynnette, y’all and she’s a demanding mistress), I cannot leave it.  I cannot tear myself away.  I give up friends (Lynnette and Jane and Body Pump and Spinning) for it.  I give up quality time with my razor (I should be spending time shaving my legs even though it is winter) so that I can cuddle up with my yummy duvet.  I give up my easy drive to work even though I know that the longer I lie around, the smaller the window I have of “good traffic drive time”.  Why is it so hard?

Eh, it’s a conundrum.  I should be wiser and all that now, now that I’m facing forty.  Unfortunately, the biggest change that comes with age, I’ve noticed, has nothing to do with wisdom but everything to do with the fact that now that I’m older, the longer I lie around being lazy, the puffier my eyes are.  Yay. 

For your Monday, which I hope was less blah than mine, I’ve included some pictures of things that made me laugh.  It will look like Christmas threw up in here, but trust me, these pictures are worth it. 

This here is my neighbor’s tree.  We had a big old windstorm come through a few weeks ago and I noticed his newspaper up in the tree afterwards.  He blames it on “those damn kids” in our neighborhood, but I disagree.  You see the newspaper way up there in the top?  It’s still up there and it’s been two months.

 

This here is a ceramic pig Phranke and I saw when we were out shopping one day.  It was just too cute to ignore.

 

Speaking of pigs, this here is the only Christmas decoration Madre has every year.  She has no tree. She has no wreath.  She has no bows or lights.  But you see how she put a hat and beard on that big old concrete pig?  That’s how Madre rolls, y’all.

 

And speaking of Christmas, will you believe that I took this picture just days ago? This here is my neighbor across the street and every night when I come home, it still looks like this.  Y’all, it’s nearly St. Patrick’s Day.  I am going to see how long they keep these lights blazing.

 

And speaking of holidays, I got a Valentine!  It was the only one I got this year, so I cherish it.  One guess who it’s from . . . .

 

If you were to guess Dammit Todd, you would be correct. 

And finally, this here is a lazy Sunday afternoon, where it seems that Murphy and Seamus have no issue spending quality time with my bed All Day Long. 

 

Lucky little varmints. 

Happy Belated Birthday, Kindle! Now With More Photos.

09 Feb 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Guest Post, In Which I Throw Myself Under The Bus Tags: ,

Kindle had a birthday on Monday.  I wanted to write for her then but I had to be mad about my physical first, plus I had just written another birthday post and I was a little woozy from all that sugar so many days in a row. 

I work with Kindle.  She was a surprise, much like Freddie was, when I moved to a new company.  I had no idea a Kindle even existed but she’s turned out to be one of my greatest assets in the friend world.  When I went through a nasty breakup, she was there for me every day.  I would come to work with eyes that looked like two peas in snow, I was so puffy from the crying. The thing is, we didn’t know each other well because we were new to each other yet she would take one look at my wonky eyes and say, “You okay?  You need to talk? Want an ice pack?”  She’s very matter of fact and she won’t let me get away with crying for long.  It’s perfect. 

It also helps that on particularly bad days, she would send me this picture.   

So I give her this one in return for her birthday.  Happy Birthday, Kindle!  Meow!

Also, some of our other friends wrote guest posts for you. 

Kindle

 K is for the kindness she always offers

I is for indigo (I like purple)

N is for the nice things she does for everyone

D is for the dozens of people she makes smile every day

L is for the love she spreads

E is for everyone who is lucky enough to meet her. 

The first time I met Kindle she talked to me without hesitation.  She’s always been friendly, warm, and kind to me from the start.  It was no problem being friends with her instantly.  Have a wonderful burfday!!!! 

Hugs,

Spike (Editor’s note: totally new character.  You’ll hear more of her later.) 

I so enjoy working with my cubicle buddy back here in this black hole of an abyss that is known, only in select circles, as Transportation.  We have certainly had our share of trying to solve the world’s problems, and the company’s as well.  And thanks for being that occasional listening ear and YOU ARE WELCOME for the times you’ve needed me to do the same.  And I won’t even go into all the craziness about the “blonde one” they call Jimmie!  There’s not enough medication on this planet to correct “all” that is wrong there!  LOL.  

Hugs,

Felix

Kindle is a rock!  Regardless of what is going on in her life, she is a steady place that you can depend on.  Some days she’s the smack in the ass you need to get back on the playing field, and some days she’s just an ear to sound off to.  She’s the welcome break in the middle of the work day when she stops by my desk just to say hi and shoot the breeze for a minute.  And she never asks for anything in return. 

You all may remember the amazing blueberry cake that Jimmie made for my birthday last year.  It looked a lot like this…

 

But tasted amazing!  You may or may not know that Jimmie and I share a fondness for baking, and sometimes take turns baking our coworkers and good friends’ birthday cakes.  Kindle’s request this year was the amazing blueberry cake…the very same one that Jimmie made for my birthday last year that looked like this… 

 

Kindle, my gift to you is this: I will make the same cake that Jimmie made for my birthday, but I’m going to up the ante a little and whip the hell out of the frosting like Jimmie was supposed to do, so that instead of your cake looking like this…

 

Your cake will look like this…

 

Hugs,

Freddie

The Pink Dragon

23 Dec 2011 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Lost Stuff Tags: ,

Is everyone ready for the holidays?  I am.  You all know that my tree is up and my house is decorated and that Seamus is having a love affair with the tree.  I have gifts under there now and he still picks his way over them to wad himself up in the back under the pretty lights.  I think he has been very delicate as I have yet to find a shredded present. They are all still very much intact.

At work, we began gearing up for the holidays at work long about the day after Thanksgiving.  Just last week we had Goodie Day.  Goodie Day brought catered food from a local restaurant and assorted food contributions from everyone in the office.  The amount of food available was mind boggling.  We all stood in line, filled plates, ate well and then staggered around the office in a carb-induced stupor.  We were worthless and our billable rate plummeted for the rest of the day.  Lazy, yet festive.  We have also decorated the office with lots of standardized trees, ornaments, lights and whatnot that give us the assorted feelings of warm fuzzy and holiday cheer.  And finally, we have my desk: 

 

This is a glittery pink reindeer (or some such animal) that was given to me as a gag gift a few years ago and you know, I just can’t keep it to myself.  EVERYONE gets to experience the glam so I bring him to work for all to enjoy.  Isn’t he cute? 

Unfortunately, it seems that I’m the only one who thinks he’s cute.  Most everyone, when seeing him for the first time, says something along the lines of, “Oh . . . . isn’t that . . .  nice . . . .  Where did you find that thi- um, him?”  And then they grin weakly at him and tentatively reach out a hand to touch him which means that they will promptly and completely be covered in pink glitter and have to explain to their wives and husbands that it really was a hideous pink reindeer on a co-worker’s desk and no, they did not go to the Brass Stables for lunch!  Anyway.  I brought the reindeer in on a Monday and on that next Tuesday, I came in to find this:

 

Since then, Always Keith has renamed him The Pink Dragon and every day when I arrive at work, I have to search for him.  He and The Hulk hide him somewhere close by, usually near the men’s bathroom or in a break room.  My favorite was the day he was packed up in a box and delivered from the mailroom. 

 

Today I came in to find this:

 

Merry Christmas to you!  I’ll have a more serious post on Christmas Day, I’m hoping, but for now, safe travels to you all and happy gifting.  Presents are fun!

Smooches,  

Jimmie

Unexpected, Take Two

15 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends Tags: ,

Do you guys remember this post?  Go on back and read it.  I’ll wait.

 You done?  Good.

 Now, lookit what was left on my desk for me.  Isn’t that nice? 

 

I still don’t know who did this to me.  I think it is hilarious but I wouldn’t it be great if I could get revenge?

Cookie Baking

04 Dec 2011 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Friends Tags:

Part of my Christmas season every year is the cookie baking. This year was no different. I invited a bunch of friends over, gave each of them a small list of ingredients to bring and cleaned my house.

I invited Dammit Todd to my little shindig too. See, I make these rice krispie things that have lots of peanut butter and chocolate in them and when the cookies get set and hardened in the pan, they are very hard to cut. I was crafty and smart – I bribed Dammit Todd with a house full of women, free cookies and milk. Lo and behold, he agreed to come over to cut the difficult cookies and partake in free cookies and milk. Score.

The girls and I were involved in our controlled chaos of cookie baking when Dammit Todd arrived with himself and a contribution to the party – a total surprise as I really only needed him for the strength of his arms and the pleasure of his company.

This here is what Dammit Todd brought:

Do you see why we call him Dammit Todd?

The Box Of Chocolates Post

01 Dec 2011 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Guest Post, I Will Cut You, Pets Tags: ,

I got an email from Dammit Todd about my latest post. It needs to be shared.

Dear Jimmie –

1) I’m never hunting squirrels in your home town, especially if they really can be considered to be a big animal, such as a deer.

2) Your makeover pic is definitely being termed “Eye of the Tigger” in my book…

My makeover, courtesy of Tigger

Love, Dammit Todd

When Woney and I were in the Mexico port on our cruise, we got on this bus tour thing. Time has passed and I’m slightly fuzzy on the details now that I’ve slept. Anyway, the tour guide spoke fantastic English although slightly accented, and this is the thing he said that I remember most, mostly because he was calm and dead serious.

“Jyoo can go to the open air flea market and buy lots of silber, leather, wool. Lots of stuff. Jyoo can get handbags, belts, hats, whips. <shrug> Jyoo on bacation.”

An open letter to Tony, Woney’s trainer.

Dear Tony, oh ye of the chiclet teeth, giant arms, positive attitude and Navy Uniform which you refused to wear for me no matter how much I really, really wanted you to or how much I wheezed when I ran to show you that I was serious about the workout –

I heard that you made Woney flip over a bunch of tractor tires as part of her training for her Sheryl Crow arms. I hate to tell you, Tony, but you live in CALIFORNIA. Tractors just don’t really seem indigenous to CALIFORNIA and I’ll bet people snickered behind your back.

However, they do seem to be indigenous to TENNESSEE, where I live. I do believe that here in Nashville we even lay claim to a country music singer who writes songs about how tractors are sexy (Yes, it is a great source of embarrassment for many TENNESSEE natives, one of which is me. Was that Kenny Chesney? Cause if so, he should be strung up by his toenails and tortured mercilessly. Anway . . . .) Tractors and their tires belong here and honestly, I could use some Sheryl Crow arms myself.

I propose an idea. Tony, you come here (and bring Woney) with your tractor tires (and your uniform), and we can flip tractor tires all day long and no one will think it is weird at all. Maybe you can meet Kenny Chesney. And later we can check you for ticks. Deal? Deal.

Smooches,

Jimmie

A Guest Post, by Murphy

People. Tell The Smushy One that the garage is not outside! Frick.

It appears that Christmas is upon us. One of my neighbors put up the whole Clark Griswold-themed light show in their yard Halloween weekend and since then has been blazing the trail nightly in their quest for the Christmas Spirit.

I put my tree up this past weekend and wondered what the cats would do to it. The first year the kitties were with me, I had the tree up but Seamus hid under the bed all the time and Murphy was too busy digging in my cabinets and in the bathroom to notice it. Last year the tree didn’t make it off of the garage shelf.  This year I fully expected Murphy to tear it to shreds or at the very least, pee on it.

Instead, every day when I come home I see this:

Seamus is in love with that tree. He makes a running leap, slides onto the tree skirt and skids across it like he’s sliding into home base. Then he’ll lump himself up underneath the tree skirt and “hide”, except his butt is so big it sticks out. I find new ornaments on the floor every day and I’ve noticed that more and more of my lights on my pre-lit tree are going out. I’m going to have a non-lit tree before it’s over with.

Murphy with the tree:

Meh. It'll do.

Seamus with the tree:

You touch this and I will kill you.

That’s it. Chocolate gone. The end. 

(In case you now need a chocolate fix, all those images came from Godiva.  Just remember me when you go buy some.)

I Went Somewhere!

28 Oct 2011 Leave a comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, I'm Going Somewhere Tags: ,

It’s time I get down to business here.  It’s time to stop being lazy and using my dirty laundry as an excuse to not write. I took a trip last week which I was going to tell you about anyway, but now I’ve had some special requests for a recap and I’d like to oblige those requests as I’d like to keep my status as your favorite.   

A few months ago, Woney called me up and told me about a cruise package she found that was very reasonably priced.  She offered to pay for my cruise if I would buy my plane tickets to her house, all the way on the other side of the country in California.  Naturally, I said yes.  I can tell I am her favorite.  For months we planned our tropical vacation, getting passports in order, buying swimmy suits, and working out with trainers.

I had a lot of expectations for this trip. I had visions of us lying on a beach or a pool chair by the crystal clear water of an ocean or a pool.  I had visions of us getting up faithfully every morning and hitting the gym.  I just knew that we would make healthy dining choices at almost every meal.  Fruity drinks were in our future as was a tan that would make me look like browned butter.  I would save money beforehand and then spend it all in Mexico buying presents for my friends and family while taking in the fresh ocean air that permeates all of the city of Ensenada.  And I would meet loads of fabulous people and be their favorite.  

Let me tell you how many of my expectations came to fruition.  One.    

The temperatures never got above 60 degrees.  And we had packed tropical wear for every day of the trip.  Every morning we would faithfully put on our swimmy suit or our cute dress with our sandals and then would don a coat and take our beach towels to whatever location we decided to perch in for the day.  There we would shiver for an hour or two with a book under no less than two beach towels apiece but usually four until we got disgusted and went back to the room to take a nap.  Or to the lido deck for lunch.  Or maybe to the hot tub where we would marinate for a little while but then would make a beeline for the two to four beach towels and then another beeline for the room where we would take a nap under the warm down comforters on our respective beds.  There was a lot of napping.   

One day it got warm enough to take off our coats although it was still cloudy, and do you know that was the day I got a sunburn?  It was a mild one but trust me, Ms. Pasty White over here, to find a way to get fried on a gloomy and slightly rainy tropical vacation.  Also, it should be noted that my sunburns never turn into a tan.  Instead I peel and then get about a million more freckles.  One day those freckles will grow together and I will have a really great tan.  I will probably also have a face like a leather handbag but at least my legs won’t be clear. 


On the night we pulled into Ensenada, I felt the ship shudder and rock a lot.  I was so sleepy (because of all the napping) and lazy (also because of all the napping) that I was only vaguely aware of the smell of rotten boiled cabbage but it just kept lingering. I wondered then if Woney was having some sort of intestinal disturbance or if maybe the sewage system on the boat was in distress.  I knew that the food we had eaten on the ship wasn’t the healthiest but for it to be this bad?  After a couple of hours, I finally woke Woney up and just asked her.  “No, sweetie, that’s Mexico.”  Oh.   

Honestly, the trip was great despite the fact that it was colder than we were expecting.  We did meet loads of fabulous new people and I am certain that I am now their favorite.  I did spend lots of my money on jewelry in Mexico with Marco who afterwards offered to let me come home with him because he liked my pretty pale skin.  I’m sure you know I declined. 

As for the healthy part of our trip, before we ever set foot on that boat, before we had our first fruity drink, before we even had a single bite of a single dessert, Woney and I visited her personal trainer for an hour and three minute long session.  You know how long an hour and three minute personal training session lasts when you go visit Woney’s trainer?  All damn day.  I wanted to hate that man – I was fully prepared to loathe him with every ounce of energy I had left after the workout (because let me tell you, when you place an order for Sheryl Crow arms or a Beyonce bootie, he takes you seriously and does his very best to make you work excessively for what you’ve just asked for). BUT!  I didn’t hate him at all.  I liked the guy.  What a pretty man he was, all giant arms and chiclet teeth and positive attitude.  Also, he’s a Navy man and once I got past the tearful, “Thank you, just for so much” speech I like to give to all service people, I tried to talk him into wearing his uniform at the end of the path we had to run down because, you know, it would make us run faster and all that.  He declined.  I’m sure it’s not at all against Navy rules so I really don’t see the issue there.  His name is Tony and even though I left with arms like noodles and a butt that was shaking, I was glad to have met him.  (Mostly because I felt justified and vindicated when I downed my first fruity cocktail but also a little because I grudgingly like working out.  DO NOT tell Lynnette.  She’ll make me do extra stuff in the next class.)     

After the training session we had massages with some sort of foot thing too.  Gosh, that was nice.  Incidentally, do you know how long an hour and 15 minute long massage lasts?  About ten minutes. 

So that was pretty much our trip into the Tropical Beyond.  Yes, my expectations were lofty.  No, things did not go fully according to plan.  But yes, I had a marvelous time and I’m thankful to Woney for the boat pass, Tony for the new muscles in my butt, Bobbie for taking care of my kitties while I was gone (it should be noted here that Murphy expressed his pleasure at my return by projectile varminting on my newly shampooed carpet), and Freddie for writing in my absence.  Catalina Island is nice.  Ensenada is nice.  Cruise ships are nice. All my new friends are nice.  And now I will close with some email exchanges between me and my nice new friends: 

Jimmie:  Has anyone else had a difficult time getting back to work properly?  Holy crap, my brain is fried.

Ciera:  Honestly work wasn’t even as bad as I thought it would be.  The hardest part about coming back . . . . feeding myself.  Heather and I kept hoping food would just appear somewhere but it never did.  We even had to choose what we were going to eat all on our own.  That was hard.   

Jimmie:  Excellent point.  I had to cook stuff and it was awful. And there was no dessert.  That really blows. 

Ciera:  Yea.  And not once have I come into my room and seen a towel animal waiting there for me.  Real life is hard. 

 

 

 

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