Pop Quiz! Or, There’s Nothing To See Here, People. Everyone’s Virtue Is Intact. I Think.

31 Jan 2012 6 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Aack!, Imparting Wisdom, This Will Probably Get Me In Trouble Tags: ,

1.       Lynnette’s husband is a handsome man.  He is tall and has no unaddressed dental issues.  He’s also a snappy dresser.  He fully and faithfully belongs to Lynnette.  Jimmie met him once and treated him with respect and friendliness, talking to him and including him in the conversation and festivities.  What is your assessment of Jimmie’s behavior with Husband-of-Lynnette?

          a.      She was being true to herself by being friendly and chatty, hoping to include Husband and make him feel welcome

          b.      She is a dirty filthy skank who was clearly hitting on Husband and is the reason why Lynnette never brings him to parties and such

2.      Freddie’s husband is a handsome man.  He is tall and has no unaddressed dental issues.  He’s also very generous in lending his bicycles out to his friends.  He fully and faithfully belongs to Freddie.  Jimmie met him once and treated him with respect and friendliness, talking to him and including him in the conversation and the festivities.  What is your assessment of Jimmie’s behavior with Husband-of-Freddie?

          a.      She was being true to herself by being friendly and chatty, hoping to include Husband and make him feel welcome

          b.      She is a dirty filthy skank who was clearly hitting on Husband and is the reason why Freddie never brings him to parties and such

3.      Martie’s husband is a handsome man.  He is tall and has no unaddressed dental issues.  He’s also one of the nicest men you’ll ever run across.  He fully and faithfully belongs to Martie.  When Jimmie first met him she treated him with respect and friendliness, talking to him and including him in the conversation and festivities.  What is your assessment of Jimmie’s behavior with Husband-of-Martie?

          a.      She was being true to herself by being friendly and chatty, hoping to include Husband and make him feel welcome

          b.      She is a dirty filthy skank who was clearly hitting on Husband and is the reason why Martie never brings him to parties and such

4.      Casual Acquaintance’s date is  . . . .  interesting looking.  He is tall and has loads of unaddressed dental issues.  Loads.  For starters, the teeth he does have are not a normal color but more blackish. He’s also greasy and shy.  He fully and faithfully belongs to Casual Acquaintance as far as Jimmie can tell.  Jimmie met him once and treated him with respect and friendliness, talking to him and including him in the conversation and festivities because he seemed intent on holding up the wall for the duration of the evening and she felt kind of bad for him.  What is your assessment of Jimmie’s behavior with Date-of-Casual Acquaintance? 

          a.      She was being true to herself by being friendly and chatty, hoping to include Date and make him feel welcome

          b.      She is a dirty filthy skank who was clearly hitting on Date despite the fact that unaddressed dental issues turn her off completely and the fact that men who are already romantically attached hold no appeal for her.  Her behavior was so bad that she deserved an email stating that she is the reason why Casual Acquaintance never brings him to parties and such. 

If it helps, you can do this test Open Book.  The Book reads like this:  All husbands and attached men are 100% safe around Jimmie, even the hottie ones like Dwayne Johnson and Tom Selleck and Denzel Washington.  No exceptions, especially for ones with very bad teeth. 

BONUS QUESTION:  Jimmie was at her café, writing and being quiet and obviously busy.  A man who smelled quite strong although not unpleasant arrived and set up shop near her.  He worked diligently at his computer for a while and occasionally peeked back at Jimmie.  He asked a question or two of her, and when she was packing up to leave, he started a full blown conversation.   

“Can I get your help with something?” asks the man.

“Sure, what’s that?” asks Jimmie. 

“Come look at this?” he says and points at his computer screen which is emblazoned with the header for DATEHOOKUP.COM.  A profile has been started.

“Oh,” Jimmie says faintly.   

“You see what I’m doing here?  My wife, well she left, and I don’t want to be alone.  What should I say here?”  he says, looking up with hopeful eyes.

“You see what I’m doing here?” he says again. 

“Ah, put your picture on it, leave out the baggage because no one wants to date someone who talks about how their spouse did them wrong all the time, and talk about what you like to do. Those are my suggestions. Good luck.”  says Jimmie.

“You see what I’m doing here?” he asks. Again.

“Yep,” says Jimmie and she left. Quickly.    

What say you – was she hit on?     

          a.      Yes, of course.  Stop being so naive.

          b.      No, of course not.  Ego is out of control.

For real, Jimmie has no clue.  Please weigh in.  

A Rant. Oh, Goodie.

22 Jan 2012 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Imparting Wisdom Tags:

Hey guys.  I know I wrote a small post last week but before that, I was absent for a while.  Nothing’s wrong.  I just didn’t have anything to say.  I know it is difficult to believe, but it does happen.  Now, however, I have something to say and that something is a direct result of two things I recently did. 

  1. I watched television.
  2. I read a magazine.

 “Ooh,” I can hear you saying.  “Racy. How adventurous of you.” Let me explain. 

There’s a back story for the television part. It is important so pay attention.  This will surprise some of you and some of you will recognize this as old news but I don’t have a television.  I grew up without one for the most part.  (Not for any weird religious reason.  I mention that because it is my most often asked question as to why. My mom simply wanted us to go outside and play. So we did.)  In my adult life, I’ve owned a television but a few years ago, I realized that when I turned it on, I became a zombie and was completely unproductive.  I cancelled the cable, moved the t.v. to the garage and only got it out to watch the occasional dvd, but soon that got old too, so I donated all that stuff to Goodwill. 

Now because I’m not really used to watching television anymore, I find that I am easily fascinated when one is on near me, like at the gym or at a friend’s house.  I’ll catch myself staring with my mouth open, ignoring people that are talking to me.  Also, because I’m not used to televisions, especially the newer technology ones, I sometimes find myself in a position of not knowing how they work or more importantly, how to turn it off. 

It was this position I recently found myself in at the gym, on the treadmill.  Someone before me had not turned the treadmill television off.  I couldn’t hear anything but I did watch the morning news and all the commercials that come with it while I listened to my iPod on my three mile trek.  That explains thing one, sort of. 

Here’s thing two.  My neighbor, Luke, asked me to pick up his mail for him while he spent the week in Hawaii. (He’s a sorry dog and I don’t want to talk about how jealous of him I am.)  One day I gathered his mail and happened to notice that he gets Men’s Journal.  I also happened to notice that this month’s featured artist is Mark Wahlberg and while I agree that his 9/11 comments were way out of line and deserved an apology, I’ve often admired his arms, so I read the magazine.   

Wow.  Men’s magazines are very different than women’s magazines.  Oh, I couldn’t make fun of it enough!  There were ads in there for bean bag chairs in “righteous” colors that you could “groove” on.  All the food ads were for some kind of red meat (grunt, grunt) and there was at least one bone poking out of every piece of meat on every plate pictured.  The testosterone fairly oozed off the pages.

It was when I saw the ad in the back of the magazine for testosterone supplements that something in me clicked and started a slow burn.  The ad used words that were jumbled and jargoned and scientific-sounding but it felt like they had no real back up or meaning.  I imagine that they leave every man feeling slightly stupid and more than a little weak and like they are getting way less sex than every other man out there.  A second ad all but stated that men are to add pheromones to their cologne because obviously they cannot lure in the ladies with their personality alone.  The question loomed – why in the world would a woman want you for you?   

I got mad.  Really mad. 

You know what pisses me off? What happened to real people?  Where are they?  Where are the wrinkles that are not strategically placed but real?  Where are the people with hair that is just hair and not some glossy horse tail woven out of twinkly lights and sparkles?  Can we stop with the photo shopping and the sex in everything? 

You want to know why we have all of these self esteem issues?  We define ourselves the wrong way.  Everything we see on television and in magazines and on billboards and in music videos is fake.  It is glorified and glamorized and tweaked and snipped past the point of recognition.  We are not seeing reality.  We are seeing fantasy but that fantasy is promised to be your reality if you just buy this dog food or eat that square of chocolate or pay for this nice home gym equipment.  So we do.  We shell out our hard earned dough and place our hopes in a dream that someone else gave us.  When our reality does not change because of what we bought or did or ate, we feel defeated and somehow less.

You know what?  I don’t want my cats so refined that they only eat parboiled shrimp out of a crystal serving bowl.  I don’t want them to delicately dance with a butterfly in a rainforest.  I want them to be cats who sleep most of the time and occasionally play in a frenzy with the bathroom rug (or Christmas tree).     

You know what else I don’t want?  I don’t want my man to be so cut that I could shred paper on his hip bone.  I don’t mind if he only has to shave once a day instead of five because his testosterone levels are through the roof.  I want him to be human with human skin that is going to wrinkle and droop like mine will. I want him to age like I’m going to age.  I don’t want him to feel less because we don’t have sex like rabbits until we both keel over from old age like it seems we are supposed to do.  I don’t want to feel less because I am never thin enough, fresh enough, have long enough hair, know enough sexual tricks or because I can’t frost a cake right.  Also, I have cellulite so you might as well just shoot me now.  It’s exhausting.

Also, I’m sorry, but if you have a cactus growing out of your butt, a tiny tube of Preparation H is not going to help you.  You have got bigger problems. 

I began this min-rant at work.  I said all of this to my co-workers in probably a voice that was too loud.  I was upset and it was on my mind.  I yelled out, “Food is not magical!” among my other rants and the guy who sits next to me, usually quiet and unassuming, piped up.  He said plaintively, “My wife’s food is magical.”  He was sincere and sweet and defending her honor.  And that right there? That is what we should look for.  A normal human man, loving a normal human woman and praising her for cooking in a way he likes to eat.  I could have hugged his neck. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am here for a purpose.  I am loved beyond all measure. How about I define myself that way from now on instead of by what’s on the newsstand this week.  You in with me?    

No, I Did Not Die.

19 Jan 2012 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Aack!, Imparting Wisdom Tags: ,

See this here picture?  I took it at Kroger one day last week. 

 

Is it because I’m a woman that my thought process went like this as I walked by? 

Wow, that’s a LOT of M&Ms.  Gosh, they look good.  What a colorful display.  Kind of wasteful though.  I wonder how many bags they had to open to get that thing full. What are they going to do with them once they take the display down?  Hopefully, they will put them in the break room and the employees will get them but they’ll have to include a scoop because no one will eat them once everyone has had their paws in them.  Gosh, that is just SO wasteful . . . all that chocolate . . . Cute, though. 

Is it because he’s a man that the guy in the store who stuck his whole grubby mitt down in the jar had this thought process: 

Ooh, snack! 

And after he finished the first handful, he must have thought Yeah, that was tasty because he went back for a second handful.

FYI, men, public decorative displays of food are not for snacking.   I just thought you should be aware. 

Philanthropy, Take Two

11 Dec 2011 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Imparting Wisdom, In Which I Throw Myself Under The Bus, Outings, Philanthropy Tags: ,

Welp, I’ve been working with my supper club for six months now.  I have yet to see my man with the curved spine to invite him to dinner, but I’m ever hopeful.  Still, I’ve met some great people and in typical Jimmie fashion, I have a favorite.

I’ll tell you who it’s not. It’s not Bill.  Bill likes to ride up front with me and critique my directions (which is a little bit fair as we all know how handy I am with a map.)  Bill also likes to critique drivers, particularly those of the female persuasion.  On the last dinner we did, I had had enough.  It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him where he could stick his opinion but right as I opened my mouth, I backed into a pole.  Granted, it was a very short pole that no one could have seen as high up as we were in the van, but my credibility went out the window the precise moment we all felt the jolt.  Thankfully at dinner Bill had one of those fishbowl beer steins full to the brim of some heavy stout beer and he mellowed quite nicely for the ride home. 

I’ll tell you another it’s not.  It’s not Anna. Not that there is anything wrong with Anna.  I quite like her.  She’s spunky and loud and does not meet a stranger; in short, she’s me in 35 years, except I don’t smoke or eat pig knuckles (both of which she does with great regularity).  She once asked me if I would ask one of the guys who joins us on occasion if he’d ever had sex in his life.  Apparently they all wondered but no one had the guts to ask.  I joined the ranks of those who don’t have the guts.  Poor Anna.  She will always wonder I suppose. 

I’ll tell you some more it’s not.  It’s not Judy and John.  Remember them?  The couple who had just started dating?  You can read about them here.  They are still dating, I am elated to report.  I’m even more elated to tell you that they are now engaged and have set a wedding date of Valentine’s Weekend 2012.  It makes me so happy, so hopeful! 

It’s also not Bobbie and Doug, although they are pretty great.  They’ve only been with me once so far and they fought like cats and dogs the whole dinner. 

Doug would ask, “Did you eat that pork chop I made you?” 

Bobbie would reply, “No, you didn’t cook it right.  I told you how to cook it.  It was awful.  I fed it to my dog.”

And Doug would say, “Your dog!  But why?  I grilled it just right, with garlic and herbs. What was wrong with it?” 

And Bobbie would reply, “You fry pork chops.  You don’t grill them.”

I was getting a bit concerned until the waiter brought the check and Doug whipped out his card to pay for himself and Bobbie.  Turns out they have been dating for eight years and are as happy as clams. After dinner they snuggled in the van and when I took a wrong turn (I know!) they informed me that I was on Love Hill and they had been there many times.   

My favorite isn’t Gordon either, although I like him a great deal despite the fact that he is as deaf as a post and tells me the same story I just heard from the backseat from another passenger two minutes before.  He’s funny, though, and just a perfect sweetheart.

Nope, my favorite is Lily.  She’s gentle and sweet and has been on every adventure we have tried even if the restaurant is weird or overpriced and even if it is raining.  Last week we had our December dinner and I took them to a fancier, higher end place in Nashville.  The center I volunteer for said that we should try to do nicer things for dinner so I went for it.  When we got there, we all realized that while the food was good, it was not really worth the price and decided that higher end is only alright for very special occasions.  I was apologetic but then Lily said, and I’ll probably cry a little when I type this, “Jimmie, it doesn’t matter where you decide to take us.  I’ll go every time as long as it’s with you.” 

You guys, I encourage everyone out there to volunteer in some way and to do so year round.  You may go into it thinking that you will bless someone, give them something they need or can’t do for themselves.  You may give money because you have it or because you feel led to do it.  Those people and organizations will be blessed, but I’ve gotta tell you, when someone like Lily says she likes you, just because you are you, your heart will grow three sizes that day, and you will be blessed beyond all measure.

(It should come as no surprise to you that I called it.  Yep, I totally teared up a little.  I’m such a GIRL!)

Customer Service: The Good, The Bad, Buy A Kindle

03 Nov 2011 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in I Will Cut You, Imparting Wisdom Tags: ,

We all have customer service experiences, right?  We live in a society where we can have almost anything we want, instantly.  Everyone wants our dollar, and hundreds of different companies are willing to sell us hundreds of different products that are just like everyone else’s product.  The difference in this day and age is service.  Some customer service people are great.  Some are awful. And some of them should count themselves lucky that they are, indeed, a phone call away and not anywhere near our (my) vicinity otherwise they would lose an eyeball when we (I) stick our (my) ink pen in it.  (I’m sorry, I’ve had no sugar today.)

I have had some experiences, yes, and some of them are below: 

Regions Bank:  A++.  I love these guys.  I would consider baking them cookies.  Always helpful, all the time. 

Budget Rental Car:  C.  This one has a story (naturally) and an ending in three parts.    

A few weeks ago, my Monday started like this:

Boss:  Here’s my Budget receipt.  They charged me an extra $127 because I returned the car an hour late.  It’s possible I called the guy f@cknuts.  Fix it. 

Jimmie:  <faintly> oh . . . .

Oh, this took HOURS.  I called Budget Nashville where I did speak to f@cknuts himself who blame-shifted me over to Budget Memphis.  There I spoke with a woman who answered every. single. question. and. request. I had with “Yes ma’am, it says right here that we charged you $127 for the extra hour on top of the $170 for the day,” like I was stupid and she was a benevolent information giver.  She blame-shifted me over to Budget Corporate who fixed the problem immediately, most likely while they were perusing the million plus miles Boss drives in their cars every year. 

Budget Nashville – You are walking a fine line.

Budget Corporate – A OK in my book

Budget Memphis – You people can suck eggs.     

Barnes & Noble:  Oh holy moly, I hate them.  F++

Obviously there is a story here as well. Surprise. 

Just over a year ago, I received as a birthday gift a Nook.  I’m a reader.  I love books.  I can blow through two or three of them in a week, so this was a perfect gift.  I didn’t even know I wanted it until I got it but I was in love from that moment forward. 

I was in love until, of course, the reading screen went into a blackout and never came back on.  Not one for being good at fixing or even understanding technical devices, I dutifully searched for the troubleshooting guidelines, performed them, and was not at all surprised when they did not work.  I called B&N, hoping for an answer and after explaining my problem, they offered to send me a replacement Nook. What a shock that was!  Usually the warranty on your car expires exactly 15 minutes before something major happens to the engine.  Or your washing machine will crap out two days after the parts and service guarantee shuts off.  You can see why I was thrilled that B&N didn’t give me any grief about sending me a new product.  I bragged about them to anyone who would listen, glossing over the fact that my Nook had broken just a month or so after receiving it.

Six months after the replacement arrived, my screen saver got stuck on the screen saver, never to reboot again.   Repeat all of the above paragraph.  I was promised a replacement, a new Nook.  Sure enough it came, except they sent me a used one.  It was called a “Certified Pre-Owned Nook” and while the box was packed up like Fort Knox, the back was off of the device and I smushed my finger trying to get it back together.  Also, I broke a nail trying to get the box open so suffice it to say that I wasn’t nearly as thrilled about my second replacement Nook.   

Also, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t like getting a used product when I had started off with a new one and was promised another new one.  Plus I wanted to know why my used one had been returned in the first place.  Plus I wanted to tell them to be more careful when sending out the used ones that were not properly put back together because my finger still hurt.  So I called. 

Oh my holy mercy, what a process that was.  Everyone was initially very nice.  No one spoke English as a first language.  Everyone put me off on another person.  No one gave me their real name (I was informed that they give fake names for their protection, and later I could see why.)  Everyone spent their hour on the phone with me saying “I’m sorry for the wait.  <pause> I apologize for the delay. <pause> I insist on being mournful for the time this is taking. <pause> I’m sorry for the wait.”  I finally exploded and requested that we sit in silence for the hour it was going to take for them to read the notes on my file, please for the love of all we hold sacred, just silence was all I needed.  “I’m sorry about that ma’am, but yes, I apologize for the silence.”  Aargh! 

Six phone calls later, two disconnections from B&N later, 270 “I’m sorry’s” later (six phone calls at an average of 45 “I’m sorry’s” per call, and yes, I counted), two weeks later, four supervisors later, two trainees sent back to training camp later, and still a used Nook with no ready information as to why it was returned in the first place, they gave in and offered to send me a new Nook which took two full months for me to receive because they neglected to make the note in my file to send it.   Incidentally, the final customer service rep I talked with had the whole discussion over and done with in less than fifteen minutes and said, “I’m sorry ma’am but it should have been this easy for you all along.  I have no idea what happened before.” 

Barnes & Noble:  Bite me.    

The Reading World:  Buy a Kindle. 

Anyone else want to chime in?  What is your customer service experience? 

Giving Me The Map Is A Bad Idea

11 Oct 2011 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, I'm Going Somewhere, Imparting Wisdom Tags:

This past weekend I went to visit a college friend.  Her name is Katarina Carmen Maria Rosa del Playa Garcia Patel Suarez.  I call her Bird for short.  We plan these trips every year but only make it once every seven years which is just awful.  Anyway, it was a short-ish trip, but while I was on that trip, I remembered some pertinent information that is important and felt I needed to share with you. 

You NEVER give me the map 

A few years ago, Phranke and I were on a trip in which we rented a car. She was the driver and I was the GPS.  Unlike a real GPS who can talk to you in various sexy voices and give you proper directions, I just felt like we could guess which roads went south, follow those, and eventually end up on Highway 1, which is exactly where we needed to be.  I folded up the map and tucked it away.  Clearly that was a dumb idea and Phranke, who nearly had apoplexy, told me to get that map right back out and get us where we needed to go.  So I did except I never told her I could barely read the stupid thing and kept yelling out directions like, “Turn here!” and “Yes, this is the one!”

This trip I thought I would be all crafty and use MapQuest to get my directions.  No map for me!   I would get written instructions to get me there.  I got Bird’s address, found the directions to her house, and printed them off.  Then I shut off my computer, packed up my four bags of crap that I take to work every day and took off, leaving my map on the printer.  I got all the way to the garage before I realized it, so I went back up to the 5th floor and got the map off the printer.  At that time, I realized that only the map part printed, not the written directions.  (Plus, MapQuest sucks and rarely gets the directions right so I’m totally a smart cookie for using it so faithfully.) 

I took my fuzzy map and hit the road, remembering from seven years ago how to sort of get there.  She only lived 30 minutes from our college town and I definitely remember how to get there, so I reckoned I was alright.

It wasn’t until I was an hour past Bowling Green that she called and said, “Where are you?” and then explained gently to me that I had missed my turn 60 miles ago.  I only arrived two hours later than I had planned.  Yay! 

Kentucky is the Bourbon State

While I was lost in the middle of Kentucky, I saw the strangest thing.  Flashing red lights and glow-in-the-dark stripes ahead of me, moving rhythmically and steadily down the road.  I saw a ton of those things and then realized they were runners, running in the dark at 10:30 pm.  These people were machines.  Steady pace, no floundering, no walking, like automatons.  So of course I called Bird and asked her what the frick was going on because I had seen thousands of these people.  Literally, thousands. Turns out it was the Bourbon Relay in which participants run a 200 mile course for Bourbon.  I assume some charities were involved but the focus was primarily the alcohol.  If they would come to Nashville they would learn that they only have to run three miles for beer.  Sheesh. 

Kentucky is also a Tobacco State 

I stopped at a convenient store on my way, and that store was way out in the boonies.  Can you believe that they still sell candy cigarettes?  I was shocked!  Never mind that those were my favorite candy as a kid. Those and the wax coke bottles that you could chew on for hours.  There’s no accounting for children’s taste.

I have a love/hate relationship with 80’s music 

Every morning I would come down the stairs and pile up in the bed with Bird and watch 80s videos on VH1.  (Don’t ask me where her husband Hank was.  I have no idea.  I’m pretty sure he did not sleep the entire time I was there.  I just don’t get that.)  That music defined me and I am mortified to admit that.  Have you heard some of that crap?  Bobby Brown’s original boy band?  Red Sky at Night?  And the videos?  My word, we have improved.  Yet we were compelled to watch every single video that came on and could sing nearly every word. 

I luff my friend Bird

Part of the reason for my insisting on a visit is that a few months ago, Bird fell into a coma for three weeks.  It was medical and it was scary and we probably came closer to losing her than we know.  I won’t dwell on that, mostly because I cannot.  She’s fine now, just has to change a few things, but overall, she’s doing alright. It gives me great pleasure to report that.  The only difference I saw was that her used-to-be super curly hair is now practically stick straight and as soft as a baby’s rear end.  I love how we have not changed a single iota since college.   

While I’m on the subject, I’d like to tell my friends that if you want me to come spend the night with you, all you have to do is ask.  We don’t need to be all dramatic like Pee-tah and his appendicitis and Bird and her coma.  Seriously, I’ll come.  Just ask.

Thank you, Bird and Hank for a fantastic weekend.  Thank you Hank, for cooking us breakfast.  I’m not sure that anything like that has ever happened to me.  It was so nice. 

Highly Recommend, By Jimmie

02 Oct 2011 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Imparting Wisdom, Outings Tags:

I have a lot to say, just not a lot about any one thing, so I decided to write you something for every day this week (weekends not included because A. nobody bothers to show up here on weekends, even me and B. I should be out doing other stuff to recommend to you for the weekends).  Although if you are anything like me you will blow through all of it right now and won’t pace yourself at all.  I can’t help it if you have no patience or cannot control yourself.  I give my good advice and you do with it what you will.  Speaking of advice, below is mine. 

MONDAY:  You know what you guys should do?  You should move to Nashville.  I did six years ago and it’s been great fun.  Prior to moving here, I lived in Alabama for ten years.  Despite having a college degree and an outstanding work ethic and some common sense, I lived below the poverty level for four of those years.  Took me long enough to get sick of that, but once I realized that North Alabama is a fantastic place to retire or to have children or to develop a really nasty prescription pill addiction, none of which applied to me, I decided to get the heck up outta there.  I found a great job in Nashville that paid loads more than what I made in Alabama and it had benefits.  Paid benefits!  I moved into a brand new apartment with new carpet and new paint and it was all mine.  I no longer had to worry about my neighbors growing pot in their closets or the girls next to me being arrested for prostitution.  I arrived and aside from that one gunfight at my apartment complex between some rednecks and college frat boys, I was safe!  Highly Recommend A Strategic Move!  

TUESDAY:  You know what you guys should do?  You should go on a Scavenger Hunt with Freddie and Rickkster!    I did and it was great fun.  The Scavenger Hunt involved us receiving instructions via text, running all over downtown Nashville, and competing against 1000 other people to not win hockey tickets.  Its fine, I don’t really “get” hockey anyway.  It’s a blast to watch the rabid fans go nuts when a fight starts but the fighting itself squicks me out.  I’m not a violent person.  Plus I like men with all their teeth.  Anyway, we performed Amazing Race-like stunts like rolling tires across an obstacle course, doing word puzzles and shooting a hockey puck into a tiny goal.  You know what is really helpful for that one?  Me yelling, “Rickkster, your manhood rests on this!  You cannot miss.”  He missed, but he nearly took out a window with his hockey puck, he hit it so manfully.  You know what else is really helpful for that one?  Me yelling, “Freddie, your manhood rests on this!  You cannot miss.”  Her puck flipped over twice and went a total of two inches, she hit so femininely.  I missed my hockey puck altogether which perhaps explains why I don’t really “get” hockey.  Anyway, Highly Recommend Scavenger Hunts!

Jimmie meets the A Team at the Scavenger Hunt and hopes that they do not sue her for unauthorized use of their images as she did not ask permission to share this photo. However, she did crop out any unflattering views of herself.

WEDNESDAY:   You know what else you guys should do?  You should take Phranke out to eat for her birthday!  I did and it was great fun.  She turned young and to celebrate I took her to this place called The Pfunky Griddle.  It’s a place that lets you cook your own pancakes and whatnot.  Who wouldn’t want to go to a restaurant where you cook your own food?  As opposed to cooking your own food at home?  Where you PAY for the privilege of cooking your own food AND you leave a tip for the same privilege? It’s like The Melting Pot only cheaper.  Highly Recommend The Pfunky Griddle!  (Item of note:  You don’t have to wash your own dishes.)   

Jimmie cropped Phranke out as she does not have permission to share her photos and since she cares about Phranke, she complies with her wishes. Also, cooking French Toast.

THURSDAY:  You know what else you guys should do?  You should meet Phranke over at the new Nordstrom in Green Hills.  I did and it was great fun.  You can try on shoes like these:

Is this a joke?

Jimmie wearing a tranny shoe

And purchase clothing like this:   

Fuh-uh-gly.

Maybe for a wedding dress but for jeans you should not be caught dead in? No.

It’s ridiculous.  Clearly there are people out there who have too much money and time, phenomena I have never experienced.  While I cannot highly recommend shopping at Nordstrom, I can Highly Recommend Making Fun Of People Who Shop At Nordstrom!

FRIDAY:  You know what?  I can’t do another one.  I’m so sleepy I cannot even concentrate.  I went to a play last night (Screwtape Letters – Highly Recommend) after a long run/walk yesterday morning (Six Miles – Highly Recommend) and after a dinner that was ridiculous in portion size (Monell’s – Highly Recommend) and then I couldn’t sleep last night.  I was on my floor at 2:00 am in the pigeon pose trying to stretch out my non-J Lo butt because it just hurt so badly from the run/walk and kept spasming into a cramp.  And then Roomate, who is moving out this weekend, got up eeaarrrrlllyyyyyy to do some laundry and Mini got all excited that People! Were Up! that she started barking and since I was awake already due to my crampy butt, I just got up and went to church (Jesus – Highly Recommend) and now I’m in my café writing (which I would Highly Recommend if I had the energy). 

A total aside: Mrs. White, my high school English teacher, would have given me a failing grade for all of these run-on sentences and sentence fragments had I turned this missive in as a paper.   

So that’s it, guys.  Highly Recommended Suggestions from Jimmie.  Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will have some additional Highly Recommended Suggestions as Woney and I are going on a trip and just had the following conversation about an Event:

Woney:  How would you feel about going to see Real Steel with Hugh Jackman in IMAX on Saturday? 

Jimmie:  Does he show off his arms?

Woney:  I’m hoping he’s shirtless at least twice.  But he plays a boxer so I’m sure the arms will be glorious in IMAX. 

Jimmie:  Then OH MY YES!

Lookee there.  Looks like I got a second wind.  Huh.  Turns out Hugh Jackman’s Arms = Highly Recommend! 

I cannot even stand it. So pretty . . . .

Running

27 Sep 2011 7 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Health, Imparting Wisdom, Weight Loss Tags: ,

You guys, this past weekend was the weekend for my half marathon. Apparently I am not a woman of my word because I didn’t run it. I would try to blame it on you for not nagging me but somehow I don’t think that will fly seeing as how Lynnette did nag me as did Jane and no one nagged them and they both ran it just fine. I did, however, run the 5K which is exactly like a half marathon only 10 miles shorter. Go me!

This race marks the one year anniversary of my “racing career.” Ha ha. Hahahahahahahaaaa! That sounds so awesome to say “racing career” but if you could see me run, you’d know that the slogan: Slow . . . . it’s the new fast was totally made for me. Still, I’ve run a number of 5K events and one 10K event over the past year and I’ve learned a few things along the way.

  • Even though it should, it matters not how steep the hill nor how many hills you run up during a race, your butt will never look like J.Lo’s at the end of it. Believe me, I speak with authority in this matter. Unfortunately.
  • It is a fantastic idea for food places (specifically, pizza joints) to sponsor a race. They get their name plastered all over the t-shirts which is excellent advertising and they only have to bring six pizzas to feed 2000 people because no one wants to eat pizza at 8:00 am after running three miles in 22 minutes. Win/Win. (Sidenote: Same principle applies to milk sponsors. Chocolate milk after a hot sweaty run = hurk.) (Additional Sidenote: This does not seem to work as well for beer suppliers. Everyone, it seems, runs for beer.)
  • I will cry every time a service person hands me a medal. Really it’s just too much energy to work up a bunch of tears every time I finish a race. It’s a heady experience when you realize that you just did the whole thing, even at a snail’s pace. So heady, in fact, that you might want to cry. But after a while, you realize that your breathing is more important than your tears and you just stop with the tears already because tears and rhythmic breathing do not go hand in hand. However, when a man in uniform who fights for your country in his spare time stands at the finish line with a medal in his hand just for you, a few tears are in order. (It’s possible that I clutched his shirt and sobbed “Thank you so much, for so many things!” It is also possible that I got some mascara and sweat on his shirt but he took it in stride. Good man, that man, whoever he is.)
  • I can run 3.1 miles without stopping. I can run 6.2 miles without stopping. I can run 7.5 miles without stopping and still feel like I can continue on. But I cannot do those things when the temperatures are in the 90s and the humidity is above 100. It seems that I’m a winter running person which really blows because in the South, daylight doesn’t appear in the winter until about 9:00 am and it disappears at 4:30 pm, leaving me to run in the dark no matter what time I actually get to run which really, really sucks.
  • I will be indignant and outraged when a 75-year-old man blows past me on a race course and leaves me eating his dust. And humiliated. I will react in the same fashion when a mom with a stroller full of babies blows past me also.
  • Sparkly eyeliner helps me run faster.

I’m not sure what is next for me now. I’d still like to run a half marathon but I told you I’m currently hyper aware of my knees. I wouldn’t say they hurt but they don’t feel like 20-year-old knees any longer which is just a crying shame. And since Daddy-O had both knees replaced in recent years (which incidentally made him an inch and a half taller as he is now no longer bow-legged), I know that, genetically speaking, I might want to be careful.

We did start a boot camp class at work. They offer it to us two days a week after work and we have a trainer and everything. She’s awesome, at least for the first five minutes of class. After that she kind of takes on this screechy nasty persona who yells stuff like “You can do it!” and “Give me 5 more laps!” and “That was just the warm-up!”

It is just like me to consider giving up running for a while now that the weather is perfect for it. Hmmm, y’all got any suggestions or words of advice? I can’t rely only on boot camp because even though it should, two days a week of doing 400 million lunges does not a J.Lo butt make.  Believe me, I speak with authority in this matter.  Unfortunately. 

A Guest Post, By Woney

14 Sep 2011 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Guest Post, Imparting Wisdom Tags:

I will be 48 this year.  Forty-eight.  Two less than fifty.  I will officially move from my mid-40s to my late-40s.  In musing over the fact that, with any luck, I’ve only hit about the mid-point of my life, I thought I’d look back at some of the things I’ve learned.  Here’s 48 of them.

  1. Never live to work, only work to live. 
  2. Buy a comfortable mattress.
  3. Travel.
  4. Singing your heart out will always improve your mood.
  5. Step outside of your comfort zone and do something scary.
  6. It’s none of your business what others think of you.
  7. Be nice to the janitor. Your true character shows through in how you treat the “invisible” people.
  8. If you love someone, say it the instant you realize it.
  9. Live alone at least once in your life.
  10. Tell the truth or keep your mouth shut.  Lies take an enormous amount of wasted energy to keep straight.
  11. Now only lasts for one second.  Live in the present.
  12. Sometimes you have to walk away from certain people, even if they are your family.
  13. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable.  Choose happy.
  14. You never look as bad or as good in a bathing suit as you think you do.
  15. Life is painful, but suffering is optional. 
  16. Most people who ask for your opinion don’t really want it.  They simply want you to validate their opinion.
  17. Flossing is overrated.  Really.
  18. Nothing is as easy or as hard as it first seems.
  19. You’re never too old for a coloring book and crayons.
  20. Fear and jealousy are wasted emotions full of negativity.
  21. Sometimes you have to lose your way to find yourself.
  22. Hotel room sleeping is the best kind. 
  23. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
  24. Never exchange what you want most for what you want for the moment.
  25. When you feel good about yourself, you feel good about your world.
  26. Friends-with-benefits are really fun, but it can also be really dangerous.
  27. When you judge others you aren’t defining them, you’re defining you.
  28. Las Vegas is only fun for 2-3 days at a time.
  29. Happiness has two ingredients: Forgiveness and gratitude.
  30. There is a very big difference between hearing and listening.
  31. Nobody wins a war.  Somebody just loses less.
  32. Listen to your heart.  Your heart will never lie to you.
  33. Massages are worth every penny.
  34. So are personal trainers.
  35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  36. Money is a lousy way to keep score.
  37. Take each disappointment and setback and ask yourself, “Will it matter 5 years from now?”
  38. Make peace with your past so it doesn’t screw up your future.
  39. Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same.
  40. Respect the people who find time for you, but love the people who make time for you.
  41. Ask why until you understand.
  42. Start saving for retirement with your very first job.
  43. Don’t be too eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.
  44. Eating a whole bag of Hershey Kisses will make your stomach ache, but probably not enough to never do it again.
  45. One of the greatest inventions of all time is Google.
  46. No matter how bad it’s been, you should always be able to cite at least three good things about your day.
  47. People will forget what you said and what you did, but they won’t forget how you made them feel.
  48. And in the immortal words of Yoda: Do or do not, there is no try.

Happy Birthday, my forever friend.  Love, Jimmie.

Anatomy Of A Pick-Up Line: Men, This Is Not How It’s Done

08 Sep 2011 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Imparting Wisdom, Weight Loss Tags: ,

If you want to hit on my sweaty hot mess of a self at the gym with the flushed face and just-rolled-out-of-bed hair (and why wouldn’t you – it’s an alluring package), please use the following guidelines to do it correctly. The guy from Tuesday should probably have read this before attempting.

Be taller than me:

We have established that this is important to me. 

Ooh, he gets one point

Be cute: 

You don’t have to be conventionally pretty by the world’s standards. 

You just have to be pretty to me. 

Yummy, he gets one point 

Be friendly: 

If you are a stick in the mud, we aren’t going to have a lot to talk about. 

Fantastic, he gets one point

Have giant muscular arms:

I like the gun show.

Purr, he gets a point for each arm.

Don’t hit on me after you have hit on all my friends: 

Minus one point per friend.

Yeeaaaaahhhhh . . . In this case, he loses three points 

Be positive:

When I say I’m gross, you say “Stop saying that.”

I like it, score one point for him

Be original:

“How much longer do you have on the treadmill?” queries he.

“About six minutes,” reply I.

“When you get done, come to the steam room,” commands he.

“What? Why?” query I.

Responds he, whilst staring at my bosoms, “So you can give me a hug . . . I’d like to ‘try that’ <leer>.” 

Minus one point for every time he has used the same pick up line on a friend.

Euw, in this case, subtract three points

But who cares?  He’s a million points down just for skeeze.  

I don’t think he will ever pull it back out of the negative.  His loss. 

 

****************************************************************************

Also, two funnies for you. 

Seamus would die if he knew I posted this picture.

 

And, a conversation between co-worker Hulk and Jimmie 

Hulk:  I would share my umbrella with you but your hair is too big.  It won’t fit.

Jimmie:  My hair is too big?  Really?!  That is FANTASTIC!

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