Love, Jimmie

I recently went home again for another holiday, to the place where I grew up.  I took another series of photos for you, this time at the grocery store.  Martie, JiJi and I went to the local market one day to pick up a few items we needed to make dinner one night.  Each of us had a different reaction to the store so I thought I should share.

JiJi has been married to Daddy-O for 35 years now.  Right about 34 and half a years ago, Daddy-O took over the cooking duties for the household.  I think he fancies himself an Emeril, honestly, as he likes to assemble all the cooking items for the nightly meal into separate bowls, even down to the salt and pepper.  He is quite particular about which ingredients he uses and the expiration dates of those items, thus he goes to the store a lot.  Combine that with his propensity for ADD-like behavior, i.e. inability to sit still, and JiJi has not been to the grocery store in YEARS.  There is no reason for her to go.  Daddy-O takes care of every item on their list, daily.  The moment we walked into the store, JiJi’s eyes lit up.  She looked in wonder at the potato chips, the pickles, the canned goods.  She slowly drifted down each aisle and just touched things.  She looked at ingredients and sighed over all the choices of things in the store.  It was a wonderland for her.

Martie’s reaction was the complete opposite.  She was used to this grocery store.  She fairly zipped down every aisle, grabbing things in her haste.  It took her 3 minutes and 45 seconds to whip everything she needed into her buggy and then she waited for us as the front of the store, bags in hand, foot tapping.   

And then there was my reaction.  This grocery store was the grocery store of my childhood.  Oh, there were so many memories for me.  Here’s my  photo collection of things that moved me: 

There’s more shelf space dedicated to this product than any other item in the store.  Have you never had a Sun-Drop?  Go immediately and get one. It will kill your liver, but there’s nothing like it.

Assorted items for your family bar-b-que.

Rooster livers.  As opposed to plain old chicken livers.  I have no idea.

Fresh, right?

Lobster tails and frog legs, all in one case.  What more could you want?

My favorite part of the store, when I was a kid and now.

Probably the biggest surprise in the store.  I had no idea things had progressed so rapidly.

Don’t you just love nostalgia?  It’s one of my favorite things. 

There is a number by which I define myself. It isn’t a pretty number. There is no symmetry to it, nor does it have any symbolic meaning.  It does have power, though.  Every time I step on the scale, the number that I read determines the type of day I am going to have.  Not only does it make or break my day, it also is the number I use to set my value.  I allow that number to dictate every part of my life.  I think my friends will like me better the smaller that number is.  I will bring more value to the company for which I work if that number never reaches certain digits.  I become less worthy every time that number rises. 

There is a second number by which I define myself.  This one is much smaller yet again, there is no beauty or symmetry or meaning in that number.  It does have power, though.  I look at the tag in the back of my jeans to determine if I will have a date in the near future.   I look at that tag to get a read on how people feel about me.  That tag can make or break a smile in an instant.  That tag is hated or loved based on what it says, and in turn, when I hate the tag, I’m not overly fond of myself.  When I love the tag, suddenly I am beautiful and confident and worth something.

Often, I am surprised when I am invited out by friends and the reason is that they just want the pleasure of my company.  It catches me off guard nearly every time.  It’s like perma-surprise.  I offer to bring cookies or a blanket or something, and marvel when they say, “No, just you.  We like you.” 

I look in the mirror to fix my eyes and my hair.  I check to make sure that everything is where is supposed to be.  Then I spend some time wishing my skin weren’t so pink and that my eyes were only one color.  I lament my nose and the imperfections that arrive on my face with every year that passes.  I see the weight I carry and wish it would visit other areas of my body.  I wish it would stop loving me so much and just go away already.  I see tall, taller than the average woman, and alone in my bathroom I am okay.  But stand me next to a petite woman and suddenly I am Amazon. 

Why am I so focused on myself anyway?  The measure of my heart cannot be found in a number.  Neither can my kindness or my intelligence or my affection or my talent.  Why is it that I struggle to see myself outside of the measure of a scale? Why can I not just be who I am without the angst of wanting less of me or a prettier me or a different me than me? 

I’m working on that.  I’ve been working on that for a while now.  A good friend of mine and I were talking about resolutions.  It was months ago so please understand this is not prompted by a need to fill space around the holiday or beat the subject of New Year’s Resolutions to death.  Anyway, she said that a few years ago she decided to make no more resolutions but that she would simply live a life she believed in. A life she believed in.  Instantly I was captivated.  What did I believe in?  How could I live my life that way?

I made a list.  My list is not complete, I don’t think, but I have a good idea of what motivates me and what I want out of this life. The piece of that I’ll share with you today is this:  I believe that I am beautiful.  I believe that beauty is determined by many things outside of perfect skin and excellent measurements and bleached teeth and I believe that I possess those beautiful qualities.  I measure myself by my heart and my Spirit and my love, not by my numbers.  This is probably the biggest struggle of my life yet I will conquer it.  I am conquering it.  I have conquered it.

I am beautiful, and that is enough for today.   

Before time was, before I was, He whispered into the void.

I am coming for you.  I will save you. 

There was no Earth.  There was no light.  There was no form, no sun, no moon. 

I am coming for you.  I will save you.

The rumblings started in the midst of nothing, deep and powerful, groaning and surging.  Angels gathered, seraphim and cherubim, warriors readying for the fight.  Spirits culminating, swirling, twisting, fighting, spreading, a tornado, growing, growing, growing, overlapping one on top of another.   The beauty was blinding, terrible, glorious. 

And it was good.

I am coming for you, He echoed through the darkness.  I will save you.

And then there was light.  And it was good. 

Time began.  A nation was birthed.  A world was destroyed.  A world was reborn.  The Father wept, His heart broken over the sheep that strayed, that stayed away.  Still, He loved.  He spoke.  And then . . .

A Baby was born.  There was straw and a manger, a mother and a father. A  Father. 

I am coming for you, He cried.  I will save you.

The Baby grew.  He learned and prayed and loved.  Behind Him, warriors readied for a battle, and in readying for the battle, they fought, spirits culminating, swirling, twisting, a hurricane, overwhelming, growing.  It was glorious; it was terrible.

I am coming for you.  I will save you.

The sheep went astray.  The sheep, which He loved above all else, turned away from Him.    

The Hero rode in on a donkey.  Regal, bearing the weight of the world, He rode the donkey and was celebrated by the few.  He was majestic, yet humble.

I am coming for you, He called from his seat on the burro.  I will save you.

They beat Him.  Lashes across the back, one, two, three.  Four.  Five.  Six.   Seven.     Eight.        Nine.          Ten.            Eleven.              Twelve . . . . .

Thirty-one. 

Thirty-two. 

Thirty-three. 

The crown of thorns dug into His skull, blood running down His face.  Wrist to the wood, WHAM went the hammer, once, twice, three times.  Wrist to the wood, WHAM went the hammer, once, twice, three times.  Feet to the wood, WHAM went the hammer, once, twice, three and four times.  Hoist the wood, slam into the ground, pierce The Side.  He died.  The Hero died. The temple veil was torn in two, from Heaven to Earth.  God cried out. The Earth shook.  The Hero delivered Himself to God’s mercy, and He died.

I am coming for you, He shouted from the grave.  I will save you.

I turn my back on Him.  I walk away from Love.  I embrace pretty things and I am empty.  I take my life and break it, shards scattered all around me, but the shards glitter and shine.  Pretty.  Empty. 

I gather the shards and offer them to The Hero who accepts them.  He puts them back together.  It is glorious; it is terrible. 

I am coming for you.  I will save you. He handed me the life. 

The enemy is coming.  He has been coming all along.  He pursues me with a relentless passion.  He knows no love, can accept no love, brings no love, but he brings the appearance of love.  He brings the appearance of beauty.  He brings the appearance of wisdom.  I follow it.  Pretty. Empty.

I am coming for you.  I will save you.  The Voice is louder.

I hear Him.  Save me from what?  From you. 

I am coming for you.  I will save you.  He thunders. 

I hear Him.  Save me from what?  From His wrath. 

How?  How will You save me?

Love.

The enemy is destroyed by a Breath.  The enemy is destroyed by a Light, glorious, terrible.  He is destroyed by the Word.   In a moment, the blink of an eye, in the whip of a hummingbird’s wing, the enemy is defeated.  Like that, it is over, that quickly.  I have been retrieved from the maw of death, plucked from its very edge.  He came for me.  He saved me.

He is my Hero.  He stands tall, His power so great, so terrible, so glorious, and it resonates throughout the Earth and none can withstand it.  There is no discrimination, only Love.  He came to save us all, each person, each heart, each soul.    

It all began before it ever began.  My Hero.  Happy Birthday.   

*

Blessed are those who mourn,

For they shall be comforted

                                ~Matthew 5:4

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

~Psalm 34:18

And then the lawless one will be revealed whom the Lord will consume

with the breath of His mouth and destroy with the brightness of

His coming.

~2 Thessalonians 2:8

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more

death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain for the former

things have passed away.

~Revelation 21:4

*

Words are not sufficient. We grieve with you. 

You are in my every prayer. 

I don’t have a lot to say today.  I’m tired.  Yesterday at work one of my team members asked, “What’s wrong with you?  Are you okay?”

“I am,” I replied.  “Why?”

“Your eyes look tired,” she said.

“Oh.  I’m just 40.  That’s all.”

I got a cartoon from a good friend recently.  I will paraphrase it for you.  Jesus was walking along a beach with a man and was explaining the footprints message.  He said, pointing, “You see those footsteps there?  That is where I carried you.”  In the next scene He said, pointing, “You see those long scuff marks there?  That is where I drug you.”

Some days are like that, no? 

I have a circle of friends that started a “Three Good Things” group.  Every day we post a list on Facebook of three happy events from the day.  This is not my daily list but as I was trying to decide what to post today, I thought of that cartoon and then of these things which have lately made me happy: 

1. Back when my car was breaking every other week, the Hyundai dealership told me that I had to plan for a $1000 car fix before the end of the year.  I got a second opinion.  Guess what?  Clean bill of health on my car.  That money I saved to fix it is now mine and will rest happily in my savings account.
2. Somebody gave me a pedicure as a gift, right when I needed it the most and right when I could least afford it.
3. I asked God for something I thought I really wanted.  It would have been the answer to all my problems.  He said no. 

Sometimes God says yes to our prayers.

Sometimes God says wait.

Sometimes God says no.

And I guess sometimes God just drags us all the way through it until we decide to stand up on our own two feet and walk.  Today I’m walking. 

What are your good things today?