Hello folks, its Boss. I have known and worked with Jimmie for a long time and she has graciously offered to let me expound a few thoughts. (Editor’s Note: Oh, goodie!)
As you may or may not know, I have made a career out of being a handyman. Not the kind that Jimmie constantly needs to fix the niggling stuff around her house. No, my job is to basically fly around the country (sometimes the world) and fix things. Sometimes it is a project, sometimes it is a client relationship, sometimes it is an employee and sometimes it is the whole company culture (particularly when run by a CEO with no experience, no maturity, no eggs, and, inexplicably, an ego the size of Tennessee). (Editor’s Note: Perhaps Boss is talking about the last company we worked for, the one that let me go. Or, perhaps not.) The fixes vary from item to item, and it is my job to figure out a fix that is most advantageous to all parties. It’s a job that requires a lot of independence, a lot of flexibility and a little luck (or as Jimmie would have you believe, a charmed life).
All of those things are threaded together with literally millions of frequent flier miles and hours of time spent on airplanes and in airports. One thing that I have noticed is that the vast majority of the American travelling public is completely ignorant of the basics of air travel. As a PSA, I would like to take a little time to offer some helpful tips that, when used, will make the flying experience better for all of us.
1. Thanks to the advent of terrorism, you will be going through a metal detector prior to boarding your plane. The metal detector’s sole purpose is to make a loud annoying noise when a metallic object is passed through it. When this happens, the line comes to a screeching halt, the security agent (typically taking a semester off from Harvard rocket scientist school to recharge) asks you to devoid yourself of metal, then pass through again. This is repeated until no metal is detected. Knowing this should help you when you get dressed in the morning. Believe it or not, it is not necessary to travel with metal snuff can lids, belt buckles the size of dinner plates, pocket knives, railroad spikes or other miscellaneous metals. Yes, your cell phone will set off the alarm; put it on the belt prior to walking through the device. No, your newspaper, book, and money that folds will not set it off; walk on through confidently. No, once you get to your destination, you will not be driving your car; therefore there is no reason to carry a wad of keys bigger than a Toyota. Hey, here’s an idea, put them in your briefcase. Yes, if you are wearing as much jewelry as Mr. T, the alarm will go off. No, you don’t need to stop immediately on the other side of the detector if it doesn’t go off. Keep moving and get the hell out of the way. Yes, I realize that there is a chance a loaded pallet will fall out of the overhead bin and onto your foot, but the odds are low, so you probably won’t need those steel toed boots. Speaking of shoes, you will have to take them off so don’t come to the airport wearing elaborately buttoned boots that take 45 minutes to take off. And guess what – if you go outside the secure area, you have to go through the process all over again.
2. If you have a boarding pass, you don’t have to check in at the gate. Get out of line, sit down and shut up. Yes there is a size limitation on what you can carry on, so no you can’t carry on that body bag. Yes, your purse counts as one of your two allowable carry-ons. Now, believe it or not, it does you no good to huddle up at the front of the hold room as you are waiting to board. All you are doing is clogging up the entry and forcing a physical confrontation with the people who board before you. (Editor’s Note: Boss only wants a physical confrontation with you if you are a hottie female. All others, move out of the way.) Yes, they are going to board by zone and, if you ask nicely, some friendly person can likely read your zone to you from your boarding pass so you can figure out what zone you are in. Wait for that zone to be called. Don’t get up until then.
3. Look at your seat number prior to getting on the aircraft. If your seat is in row 34, don’t stop three steps into the aircraft and start squinting at the row numbers. Move quickly to your seat, sit down and shut up. Hey, if your damn carry-on is too heavy for you to lift it into the overhead bin by yourself, check it. (Editor’s Note: I once heard Boss say this to a lady on a plane. He wasn’t kidding.) And guess what – if you board the plane 30 seconds prior to the door closing looking like the Beverly Hillbillies moving west, don’t get pissy when you can’t find overhead bin space. Give your bags to the flight attendant so they can be checked, then (yes, you guessed it) sit down, and shut up. When you get to your row, don’t park your big butt in the aisle and spend a half hour rummaging through your luggage looking for books, games, cough drops, money, a clue, or any other nonsense. Stow your carry ons and sit down.
4. Believe it or not, I am not interested in your life story. (Editor’s Note: He really isn’t.) I really don’t care that the last time you flew the airplane had two sets of wings and the highlight of the trip was “buzzing sheep”. Nor do I care that you are on the way to visit Aunt Millie, a woman who would make Lil Abner look like Charles Boyer. The airplane gets plenty of lift from the airflow over the wings and doesn’t need the help of all your hot air. Let’s take the chance and see if it will fly without your constant inane droning. When I pull out my laptop, that is your clue that I have better things to do. Shut up and go to sleep.
With these few simple concepts in mind, all of our flying experiences can be so much more enjoyable. You will be able to fly with the confidence that you know what you are doing, and I will get to my meeting without working up a sweat caused by my clubbing you like a baby seal.
(Editor’s Note: See why it made me sad to leave him? I got all that, every day.)
Love, Jimmie 