Family | Love, Jimmie

Home, Part 2

16 Dec 2012 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Outings, Uncategorized Tags: Family

In light of our nation’s recent events, I feel the need to celebrate my family once again. Thanksgiving this year was spent at the homestead, reminiscing, loving, just enjoying each other’s company. I feel so fortunate to have a family and to even like them! Here are some additional pictures.

This is Precious. Or Girlfriend. I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t know which one this is. Madre treats these varmints as if they are her children and since this girl is my “sister”, I’m ashamed I can’t remember her name. That’s okay, though. Madre, when she’d get mad at us as kids, could never remember our names either. Turnabout’s fair play.

This was our Christmas tree one year. Poppa said we weren’t to have some tree just go to waste after being gussied up for a few weeks. No siree. We got a live tree with a giant bulbous root on the bottom of it, and because it was a live tree we could only have it decorated for three days before we had to plant it. We decorated it in a frenzy and sat maniacally by it, just staring at it and absorbing as much of it as we could before we disrobed it and hauled it out to the yard to plant. We did this for a couple of years but this was the only tree that has survived the planting. The other trees either croaked off shortly after being planted or were killed in a freak thunderstorm.

This here is Poppa’s truck. Have you ever seen a manlier truck in your whole life?

This is the baptizing hole. It is exactly what you think it is. Local churches would bring their members here for a full immersion. It isn’t used for that anymore which makes me a little sad.

This is Boo, putting on his shoes and socks after “rescuing” Madre’s new dog, Lucy Loo. Lucy Loo, being a spastic puppy and new to the world, doesn’t fully grasp the meaning of “You are too close to the bank! Move, dog!” With a surprisingly wimpy splash, Lucy Loo went over the side of the bank and into the water where she discovered that full immersion is not for her. Kasi Starr leaned over the bank and snatched that puppy up by her collar. However, as all good men are wont to do, Boo stripped down to his bare feet and leaped into the water where he was poised to rescue in a matter of seconds. Too bad it was all for naught as Kasi Starr had already performed the heroics and Lucy Loo was saved. So Boo stood there for a moment in the water that was, at maximum, thirty degrees and experienced a refreshing creek mud bath from the knee down.

This is Lucy Loo being a very unappreciative dog.

This is Jimmie, holding Tigger. She is my little monkey. I wish I could hug her now, and Pooh too. I wish I had a picture of Pooh and me. Christmas. I’ll get it then. I am blessed, can’t you tell?

A Memory

12 Dec 2012 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, I'm Such A Girl, Pets

In the places where I grew up, 4-H was a pretty big deal. It was something we elementary school kids looked forward to every month. I always wanted to participate in the poster contest; it was my favorite activity. I never won which was my greatest disappointment. The year I was certain I’d made the best poster Dinah Stafford beat me with her “Burst into 4-H” theme and picture of a giant balloon. I was crushed. I needed a salve for my bitter heartbreak and lit on the perfect thing when they passed out the forms used to sign us up for the spring activities: farm animals! The only thing that would soothe me was a bunny rabbit. I would sign up to raise a bunny rabbit and be healed. Unfortunately, bunny rabbits were bought at a higher price than I knew we could afford. I signed up for the next best thing which was chickens. Actually, a pig was the next best thing but a pig cost more than a rabbit. Chickens it would be! They were free!

I rocked merrily along, knowing my chickens would soon arrive. I was pretty excited about it. Unfortunately my excitement never carried over into a conversation with Madre and Poppa about those chickens. Their first inkling at my new endeavor came in the form of a note I brought home with the date and time I was to pick up my chickens, a whole week away. Oh, I learned some new bad words then.

Poppa spent that whole week building a chicken coop for me. I learned even more bad words during that time. There was a lot of hammering and huffing and swearing but I had the prettiest chicken coop you ever did see by the time those chickens came home.

Madre drove me over to the co-op (or wherever I was supposed to go – it’s been a few years) and there we got 25 baby chicks. Oh, mercy, they were cute. Little yellow balls of fluff that made tiny little noises and had no equilibrium at all. They fell over each other and slept on top of each other and got stuck under the water bottle. They pooped everywhere. I didn’t mind. I fed and watered them every morning and night, cleaned out the newspaper in the bottom of their box and tucked them in under the warmer for the evening’s rest. When they were large enough, I put them into their new chicken coop and again, fed them every morning and night.

Those baby chicks grew into the prettiest Rhode Island Reds, if you can call chickens pretty. They had roosting boxes where they laid eggs. Have you ever had farm fresh eggs? The yolks were so yellow they were almost orange. Also, it takes chickens a while to lay eggs correctly so sometimes you’d get a weird oblong cylinder egg, sometimes an egg with two yolks, sometimes an egg that would barely crack it was so tough. I collected and sold those eggs and bought my first ten speed bike with that money.

In the fall, I had to take five of my chickens to the fair to be judged. I sort of knew this would happen but I didn’t know that those five chickens would be auctioned off to purchase the new chicks for next year. I gathered up my five favorites, fat little birds with some serious attitude. We loaded them up and took off for the judging. When we got there, we watched in fascination as the judges weighed each chicken, measured the breast bone, checked the combs and the feathers and the feet and the beaks. I didn’t really understand why the judges kept coming back to my five chickens until the winners were announced. I WAS THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER! I WAS THE MASTER OF RAISING CHICKENS! I WAS SO PROUD! It was probably best that I didn’t tell them that the one chick who got stuck under the water bottle when it was a baby suffered a broken leg that never healed right and was crippled as an adult.

After the judging, they began the chicken auction. I remember looking at Madre with confusion. “What are they doing? Why are they acting like they are going to sell my chickens?” Madre gently explained that the money would buy chickens for a 4^th grader the next year. I got teary-eyed and shy. Those were my babies. Madre, a farm girl herself, seemed to understand without me saying a word and so she began to bid on my chickens. Someone kept bidding against us and we ended up paying $40 dollars for those five chickens that I had gotten for free.

With relief I rode home with Madre in her truck, clutching my purple grand prize ribbon and my trophy with the chicken on top, every so often looking in the bed of the truck at my award winning chickens.

Madre and Poppa still have chickens today. All that cussing and swearing and hammering Poppa did? I’ll have you know he is the one who every night wanders out to lock those chickens in the chicken house to keep them safe from predators. He is the one who collects the eggs. He is the one who makes sure every scrap that would be remotely appealing to a chicken is saved and tossed into the pen with their nightly dinner. Big old softie.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

07 Dec 2012 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Health, This Will Probably Get Me In Trouble, Weight Loss Tags: Humor

Two years ago for Christmas, Madre got me this awesome t-shirt.

Don’t listen to my sister – I am the favorite.

I opened it and as soon as I saw it, I held it up and crowed, “Told you I was the favorite!”

But to my chagrin, Martie had also opened a gift from Madre which was also an awesome t-shirt. She, too, was holding hers up crowing, “Told you she liked me best!”

Mom likes me best

Well played, Madre. Well played.

Last weekend Madre and I walked/jogged another 5K together. This one was the Jingle Bell Run and I’m sure it benefitted some charity or other but Madre and I got jingle bells to tie onto our shoes and so I lost all memory of anything other than my tinkling pretty feet. Once again, Madre and her legs for days won the race for her age division. I’m not even going to be surprised anymore. It has become our status quo. I, of course, did not place at all.

Congrats!

I did get something pretty cool, though. I forgot my t-shirt to wear to this race (see post from yesterday) and so had to borrow one from Martie. This is the one I snatched.

Since I have both shirts in my possession now, I’m pretty sure I WIN! Heh.

Happy Halloween!

05 Dec 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family Tags: Family

So it’s a month and a half late. Big deal. I was busy in the month of November you know.

Pooh and Tigger came for a visit. We went on a hayride and hung out by a bonfire. I think bonfires are gorgeous and cozy but after a while, the smoke starts to cloud up your eyes and the heat melts the fake eyelashes that Martie glued to your eyelids and your hair starts to smell kind of singed and the kids get bored and tired and there are no more s’mores left. At that point you go home.

But before all that, you take a picture with the best nieces in the whole world and you save it to show all your friends on your blog.

Don’t we look gorgeous?

Home

03 Dec 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Pets

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post about my Memorial Day weekend. I drove to Madre’s house for that weekend and spent a lot of time with family, sighing and being happy. You can go back and read it if you like, here.

For Thanksgiving this year, I did the same thing. I spent the day with family at Madre’s house, sighing and being happy. Brother Boo came in all the way from Oklahoma City and it was just so nice to see him. Martie and Coach and family were there as was roomie, Kasi Starr. I took a lot of pictures that day. Want to see?

This is Home.

Brother Boo with his manly leaf blower.

Brother Boo with his manly leaf blower in sexy pose.

A walk in the woods.

Rifle Range in the back yard, where I learned to shoot at age 16.

Vicious attack cat, Sonic.

Madre’s favorite horse, her longtime companion, is buried here.

A creek, where we used to play.

Jam session: Boo. Man, can he play.

Jam session: Martie. She’s got a set of pipes on her.

Jam session: Poppa. Listening from a distance.

Jam session: Lucy Loo. One tired pup.

It was such a lovely day. I was so happy. I walked around in an amazed wonder at all the good stuff in my life. Family, friends, beautiful weather. (An aside here -don’t you kind of wish Tennessee could just pick a season and stick with that for a little while, like a month? I’m super happy about the sunshine but I’m getting whiplash with all the back and forth: hot! cold! hot! cold! It’s exhausting.)

There will be a part two to this. I took loads of pictures. It’s like I just discovered my camera or something . . .

Guest Post: Madre. Shopping, “Jimmie-isms” And Things I Have Learned From My Daughter

07 Nov 2012 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Guest Post Tags: Humor

Let me begin by saying that I am the lucky Mom…..Jimmie has been an absolute delight since the day she was born and she is also one of my very best friends. As such, I have plenty of stories about her.

As friends will do, we love to go SHOPPING. I call Jimmie my “personal shopper.” When she is with me she will grab a shirt out of someone’s hands if she thinks it is just right for me. I was witness to this in TJ Maxx one day; thankfully the shirt she grabbed was in the hands of a sales clerk and not another shopper that we had to bloody well beat unconscious to have it for our own. We can spend hours in dressing rooms trying on things we will never buy, but have fun looking at ourselves in the mirrors and deciding how many pounds to lose before something would be totally flattering. She has taught me to be a patient shopper and to ALWAYS take time to try something on before just thinking it will be a perfect fit and look like something out of a fashion magazine.

As Mother and Daughter we are very much alike, including height (almost) and size so we often end up with matching items because it looked soooo good on one of us. I take full credit for Jimmie’s love of shopping. It all started when she was five years old. I had picked up Jimmie and her sister from daycare on my way home from work and we decided to have sandwiches for supper. This required a stop at the local Thrifty Bread Store close to our apartment. We had been there several times so I knew Jimmie knew her way around. I sent her in by her little, young, five year old self to get a loaf of bread. I gave her a dollar and asked her to get a loaf like we always purchased and take it to the clerk and give her the dollar, but be sure to wait for the change. Jimmie proudly came back to the car with bread and change and a confident sense of accomplishment. I beamed with pride!! The following day as we were on our way home Jimmie asked: “Do we need to stop by the Used Bread Store again?” She was ready for more independent shopping!!

The Used Bread Store brings me to “Jimmie-isms.” As a child (and sometimes rolling into adulthood) Jimmie has tagged some unusual “isms” in which she makes up a new phrase or word to describe something:

A Pair of Clothes – Why not? It’s a top and a bottom like shorts and t-shirt, like a pair of socks or a pair of shoes…stuff that comes in twos.

A Tree of Grapes – Don’t pull the grapes off the stem for her. Break off a branch and let her do the work.

Makercial – The interruption of a television program that tries to sell you something. But also, the perfect time to run to the fridge for ice cream before the program comes back on.

Navy Green – Best I can figure is this a dark green color, perhaps something like navy blue.

There are more, but I leave them to your imagination and continue with things I have learned from Jimmie. I’ll tell you next about WALKING. After Jimmie moved to Nashville, I joined her one weekend for a walk on The Greenway (the whole 6 miles). I consider myself an active and reasonably athletic person. I live on a farm, work daily with horses, put up hay, etc. But…she walked my legs off. I decided then and there to map out some mileage on our rural country roads and do some dedicated walking. My goal is 15 miles a week and I usually meet that goal and sometimes go over.

Next, Jimmie introduced me to organized 5Ks. I’ve always been a competitive person (horse shows, racing SCCA, target shooting, hunting, both fox {Tally Ho} and big game), so 5Ks fit right in. I’m proud to say at the age of 69, I was the fastest in the 60+ age group in my second ever competition. Recently this required another shopping trip with Jimmie for new shoes; I’d worn the tread off my first pair.

Along with exercise, Jimmie has encouraged DIET. After years of feeding a family of six through childhood and teenage years (ever wonder how many times a teenager can open and close a refrigerator door in one day?), it was a challenge to prepare meals for just two. It was also a challenge not to eat all the leftovers (oh, those extra pounds) as I was cleaning up after a meal. Just a spoonful here and a little bit there, not enough to save and too good to throw away. After all, I was raised by parents who grew up in Depression years….waste not, want not….clean your plate, etc. Jimmie is very conscientious about diet and food preparation, and again I love to grocery shop with her. She has not only given me great recipes, she somehow let me know that it was okay to throw away the “extras.” I’m not really wasting anything if it can be fed to the dog, cat or chickens and we do have a rural garbage pick-up once a week. Thanks to my wonderful daughter I’m 37 pounds lighter and can’t wait for the next 5K.

In closing this guest post I’ll add a few things that make me proud to say I am Jimmie’s Madre. She has so much compassion, a tender heart and the desire to keep those around her happy. Her intelligence and work ethics are amazing and she will face the most difficult tasks with a sense of humor. (I’d love to know her “come-back” when Boss called her a Low Functioning Retard — I think they had a great time working together). And lastly, have you ever met anyone else who really loved the research and creating of Term Papers while in college?

GOD bless you, Jimmie.

(Editor’s Note: I did not pay Madre a dime to say those nice things about me. Also, my only comeback for Boss was “I hate your guts” and “I know I’m your favorite”. I could possibly use some suggestions. Anyone got any?)

(Another Editor’s Note: I’ve written over 10,000 words so far. Y’all, this is work.)

NaNoWriMo And Other Assorted Nonsense

21 Oct 2012 10 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends, Guest Post Tags: Humor, Writing

I got a catalog in the mail yesterday from Heifer International. I’m going to let you marinate on that for a minute before commenting further.

. . . . . . . . elevator muzak . . . . . . . . . .

I choose to believe that someone sent that catalog to me because they admire all the good deeds I do and wanted to help me further my philanthropic spirit rather than believe that someone sent it to me as a subtle hint.

Actually, its pretty cool. You should check it out: Heifer International. Family, do not be surprised if you get a “share of a goat” for Christmas.

Madre was here last weekend to walk a 5K with me. It was the Oktoberfest Bier Run in which loads of people turned out to trot around Germantown for the privilege of drinking free beer at 9:00 a.m. I don’t get it. Neither did Madre. We were pretty stoked about the t-shirt and the free bagels, though, so we took off on the three mile jaunt. Madre’s been hitting the walking pretty hard lately and she looks marvelous but walking with Madre is a bit of a challenge.

See, Madre is 6’2”, and I’d guess about 6’1” of her are legs. She has a long stride which makes it difficult to keep up with her. While I’m pretty tall in my own right, I find myself doing this half jogging/walking/deep step thing to keep her pace which really tugs at my hamstrings. It is an excellent workout but I could really use some of that stretching afterwards, you know, and some oxygen. Yesterday, Madre walked/slightly jogged her second ever 5K and won first place for her age division! I’m super proud of her but you know all those other participants were like, “Who is Leggy McStriderson up there? She stole my trophy! Heifer.” Congrats, Mom! Well done!

Now that I have you guys all sentimental about my family and my philanthropic good deeds, I need to ask a favor of you. See, there is an event that I’ve been planning to do all year and this event will take place during the entire month of November. That means I will have very little time to visit with you here and entertain you with my big sexy hair and my mad skills as a handyperson.

Have you heard of NaNoWriMo? It’s a one month writing frenzy in which you challenge yourself to write 50,000 words. They don’t have to make sense or fit perfectly although it would be nice if they did. They just have to be done. And I’m going to do it. Did you know that 50,000 words is approximately the length of a third of a novel? Some of you know this already, but I write a lot here to practice for other writing things that I really want to do, like a novel for example. (This is the point where all of you rush to comment section to offer support and promise to purchase anything of mine that ever gets published.) I’ve started four novels/books so I very much want to see if I have it in me to do this, to actually finish one.

The thing is, I don’t want my blog to be silent for a whole month. I want there to be some activity here. I’m asking you, my faithful readers, to blog for me. Can I get some of you to guest post? I have a list of items I am willing to trade for your prose.

In return for your post, I am willing to offer any or all of the following: my share of Channing Tatum (his neck is too wide for me); my share of Ryan Gosling (his neck is too long for my tastes); my share of any and all sushi (ugh, gross); my share of all onions (we have covered this); my share of Adam Levine (he looks a bit like a weasel); an eyelash flutter (I have some great new mascara); and/or finally, a full grown cat named Murphy. I will also generously throw in some Big Sexy Hair volumizer to sweeten the deal.

For the record, I already have a guest post from Boss and a promise of one from Prom Date Will. That leaves 28 open spots for the rest of you. So, Freddie, Lorne (Ty), Martie, The Squirt, Woney, Studio Bukowski – any of you up for the challenge? Anyone else? I hear Channing Tatum has some pretty sweet abs.

Then, because I know how much you guys will miss me, in the month of December I’m going to go for NaBloPoMo. It was supposed to be the challenge in November for bloggers but since I like to march to the beat of my own drum, I felt like it could be your reward for letting me have a month off.

I look forward to the influx of comments/volunteers. Holding my breath actually. Don’t make me pass out.

How Quickly I Get Spoiled

16 Oct 2012 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Family, I'm Going Somewhere Tags: Humor, Travel

Sigh. I had to go back to work yesterday after being off for an entire week. Again, happy to have a job but am slightly resentful that I am not a self-made millionaire right now. I think I could be a lady of leisure, don’t you? I’d spend my mornings at the gym, doing all kinds of crunches and butterfly moves so that I could have abs of steel and then I would go get massages. I’d be the most relaxed, fit person you ever met.

You know, that’s probably not true. I’d be as big as a house and lazy as a cow cause I feel certain I’d be able to justify lounging around in sweats while I ate bon bons all day as a “noble endeavor”. Good thing I have a job I need desperately to pay all my bills so that I don’t get fat and lumpy.

This trip was to South Beach, in Miami. I yapped about it a lot to anyone who would listen before going and the reactions I got fell into one of two categories:

“I’m so jealous, you guys will have so much fun!” and,
“Don’t get killed. I can’t believe you picked that place.”

Don’t rain on my parade, people. (It’s possible I’m speaking directly to snooty snothole Bianca here. She’s so lovely.)

So, yeah. It was fun. My two sisters and I went, for my 40^th birthday. Martie, The Squirt and I have never taken a trip together, just the three of us and I’m proud to say that I like them better after returning. That doesn’t always happen you know. Sometimes you realize that the ones you love have awful snoring habits or they really are high maintenance about a bathroom, so much so that you spend half a day trying to find one that meets some obscure and ridiculous standard. Not the case here! We had a blast!

I’m going to cover the basics of our trip here. Items of note:

Martie and The Squirt are the fortunate sisters with regards to complexion. Both of them can get as brown as a berry in short span of time and I, well I burned myself in nearly every available place on my body. Some of those places were rather unfortunate which made sitting on the plane home big fun! Also, the red and pink and freckled streaks across my body look beautiful.

Three women tooling around in a Mustang convertible, (color: red), hair blowing in the wind, get a lot of attention. Especially when The Squirt drives. She has a lead foot, that one. We got a lot of blown kisses and from braver drivers, other more vulgar displays of admiration.

Tasty beverages do not make getting your fingers slammed in a car door hurt any less.

The Speedo is making a comeback. Either that or loads of European men frequented South Beach. I found myself not nearly as offended as I thought I might be, probably because these men wore them with extreme confidence. However, nary a single one of those men checked the elastic bands in their Speedos before donning them. Men over 70, please note that gravity has already worked its magic on you. Elastic can help.

Seriously, this was such a fantastic trip. My sissies . . . ah, they are so great. I just can’t get over how much I love them and how much they love me. Combine that with gorgeous sand and sea? I’ve said this once before but it bears repeating. I love the ocean. I cannot get enough of it, especially with views like this. How can you not love it? How can you not see God’s hand in that, in all that love and beauty? Happy sigh.

For those who had varying reactions about my vacay? Final judgment: You should be jealous! We had a blast!

Coulda Been A Contender

27 Sep 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends, I'm Such A Girl, This Will Probably Get Me In Trouble Tags: Humor

Let’s get ready to RRRUUUMMMBBBBLLLEEEE! Am I allowed to say that? Is it trademarked? Don’t any of the 43 of you who read me tell on me if so.

I got a lot of nominees for my soon-to-be-football team. I’ve also done a lot of research on my own. Did you know, by the way, that Googling the term “Hot Shirtless Football Players” will take you to some sexual sights designed for gay men? Me neither. Then I learned that Googling plain old “Hot Football Players” would take you to a bunch of soccer websites, and I got all distracted for a while looking at those guys and nearly forgot my mission. Wow, soccer players are nice looking.

Anyway, first thing I did on my own was have a look at the NFL site just to get a feel for the teams available to me, and I must say, some of the logos are plumb awful. Right away I discounted anyone with a stupid logo which meant that the NY Jets & Giants, the Cleveland Browns, and the Buffalo Bills were knocked out. Then I eliminated poor color choices which removed the Saints, the Buccaneers (any team that willfully chooses to clothe their athletes in pants that are African American flesh colored so that major chunks of the team look naked as they run down the field deserves to be cut), the Packers and again, the Cleveland Browns (how are they even a team?). THEN I did the Googling which nearly got me arrested/fired and found some cuties which almost put the NY Jets & Giants and the Greenbay Packers back on the list; however, I defined standards and I will adhere to them so those three teams remain disqualified.

From there, I dutifully studied all the nominated teams which included the following: Pittsburgh Steelers, St. Louis Rams, Carolina Panthers, Dallas Cowboys, Tennessee Titans, Cincinnati Bengals, Miami Dolphins and the Baltimore Ravens. I’m giving them all a fair look before making a final decision. Here’s where I stand with my quest thus far:

STEELERS: I have a new work friend, the one who gave me the Steelers jersey to wear, and she invited me to partake of a Steelers game with her and her family. I’m naming her Katniss, primarily because she seems kind of scrappy, like she could do some damage to your guts if you ticked her off, but also because she’s pretty. Katniss took me over to her brother’s house for the Steelers/Raiders game, and we settled into the Steelers man cave for the afternoon. I peed next to Troy Polamalu a few times (life size sticker on the bathroom wall),had snacks out of a Steelers helmet and off of Steelers plates, wiped my mouth with a Steelers napkin (which I was afraid would get me hurt as I felt that they might view that as a desecration of Steeler property), and finally, I smacked hands with a giant inflatable football player wearing Steelers gear every time a touchdown was scored.

I also watched a video of this nature and was pretty enamoured of it:

Steelers Renegade

The logo is fancy, the colors look good on me, and Polamalu has pretty hair. Also, that coach of theirs, Mike Tomlin, is a lovely man. Still contenders.

TITANS: I had a lengthy discussion with a man I’ve named Thor (because I like the name Thor) about why the Titans would be a good choice for me. His best argument is that being a Titans fan teaches us patience and perseverance. This man is a high school teacher so why he needs more things to teach him patience and perseverance is beyond me, yet he was quite passionate about his fandom.

I will have more chances to see a Titans game live than any of the other teams, plus I like the logo and the colors. Blue is my favorite color, you know. Still contenders.

COWBOYS: This team was nominated by two men, both of whom I trust absolutely, and that is saying a lot. Coach has been a longtime fan of the Cowboys and follows them faithfully. But in traditional Coach fashion, he gives the soft sell so he hasn’t done much to push me. Quan also nominated this team, noting the appeal of the monstrosity they call a stadium.

I really dig that Texas star. The colors are lovely and I have silver eyeliner to match. Pretty boys play for this team. Still contenders.

PANTHERS: Lynnette and Freddie volunteered this team, simply because the QB is Cam Newton. I’ve stared at his picture a lot. It’s quite distracting as it’s my desktop photo now. He sure is pretty.

Photo credit: GQ, of course

The team colors are gorgeous! Cam Newton is gorgeous! His teeth are gorgeous! (You know how I feel about teeth.) Still contenders.

RAVENS: My experience with the Baltimore Ravens consisted of watching the movie “Blindside”, which everyone knows is about Michael Orr, a Ravens player. Great movie, but I have a policy on all movies I watch: no scary movies, no movies that make me cry and no movies that make me want things I cannot have. Blindside, unfortunately, violated my movie policy, giving me chapped cheeks because I cried so much.

The colors are nice, the logo is nice, but the crying did me in. Sorry, Ravens. No longer contenders.

RAMS: I need to do more research here. I am quite moved by the horns on the helmets. Still contenders.

BENGALS: This team was nominated by another man that I trust, except he moved away to Atlanta so now I’m mad at him. He makes the best enchiladas ever. I like the colors, I like the logo, some hotties play for the team, but I’m going to have to pass. No longer contenders.

DOLPHINS: This team was nominated by an old friend because she thought I would look pretty in the colors. She gets me! She understands what I’m going for here! I’m going to have to do more research on the Dolphins. Still contenders.

A final thought or two. While watching the Steelers/Raiders game, I saw the Raider who got knocked out in the end zone. You guys, I loved watching this game. I loved the excitement of the fans (Katniss’s family). I loved their dedication. Football in general appeals to me. But when that guy got hurt and just laid there, my stomach was all up in my throat and I felt sick. I prayed and prayed and prayed for him and was a hot mess inside until he gave the thumbs up. Do I have the fortitude to be a football fan? Still contending on that one . . . .

Also, I think someone needs to make me some brackets for all this mess here. I’m getting confused by my own self. Coach?

The Pity Party Stops Here

23 Aug 2012 10 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends, Health Tags: Health, Humor

I’m back at status quo now. Thank you to all of you who DID NOT check on me but let me know that you cared in some way. You all are a crafty bunch and I give you major points for following my wishes while still sneakily making sure I was okay. Also, I’d like to point out that a good chunk of you who checked on me without checking on me are people I grew up with, people from my hometown. I’d like to point that out specifically because later on in this post, I’m going to throw a stranger from my hometown under the bus and I’d like to say something nice before I do that.

I really wanted to write a counter post to the last one, but the minute I mentioned it to a friend, she immediately said no, to not negate my feelings. She’s right. Those feelings, while not pretty, were real and I really felt them. But for now, I will say “The End” to the pity party.

Want to know how I’m celebrating my returned good mood? By going to abs class. The instructor has returned from his class reunion and while he didn’t show off any trophies he received for “Stomach Most Resembling a Plank”, he did bring some stories and residual guilt about all the cake he ate. The class members could acutely feel his guilt by minute six of his first class back because we were panting and snorting and grunting and sweating like warthogs. I finally asked in a high-pitched alarm “How much cake did you actually eat?!” He told us it was only two pieces but I call him a liar. No one inflects that much torture for two measly pieces of cake.

In other gym-related news, I’d like to tell you that Snooty Snothole Bianca with the Swishy Butt talked to me! Two days in a row, even. And of her own volition. When she began speaking I didn’t even notice. I thought the music piped into the locker room was interrupted for an announcement of some sort so I ignored it. But after a minute or so, I realized that her mouth and words were directed at me, and honestly, I didn’t know what to do with that. I stood there bundled up in my towel and matching undercrackers with my hair wadded around a curling iron and just looked at her. When my hair started to smoke I came back to my senses and responded; I’m not even sure what I said, I was so surprised. Turns out she’s thinking of joining another gym and she wanted me to know that it isn’t good for your hair to wash it every day. I could have lived my whole life without ever having those conversations, but whatever moved her was enough to break off that padlock she keeps over her lips, so I listened. It was the least I could do.

In non-gym-related news, we welcomed a new CFO to the company for which I work. I had no idea when he would make his initial visit but seeing as how I’m the face our visitors see first, I treat everyone nicely. Besides being the first impression of our corporate office, I also perform other functions that require me to be away from my desk. I have this handy little portable phone that I carry around and when my hands are full, it fits nicely in my cleavage, anchored in by my cute dresses with the elastic band around my chest. Easy access to the phone, close to my ear so I can hear it, and hands-free! You can probably see where this is going. The other day when the CFO came to the office for his initial introduction, I had been running around the office delivering mail, and I warmly greeted him, not having a clue it was our new CFO nor remembering that I had a phone stuck between my boobs. Welcome to new your office, Bossman!

I’d like to share (nearly) one last story before concluding. Martie works in a salon (glamorous!) in our hometown and as such, she hears and sees loads of things that make us blush or roll our eyes so far into the backs of our heads that we hurt ourselves. A couple of years ago, a man came into her shop and was complaining about a dish he had ordered at the single decent sit-down restaurant in the town. This is what he said:

“We went to Legend’s last night and they had salmon (pronounced SAL-mon) on the menu so I ordered it. They brought me this plate with what looked like a big ole piece of fish on it! <said in horror and confusion>. That didn’t look like no salmon (pronounced SAL-mon) I ever ate. I sent it back. Nasty.”

This, ladies and gentlemen, is where I grew up.

Also where I grew up is Poppa. He had some surgery recently in which all of his toes were broken and straightened and some bone was shaved off the bunion part of his foot. (Sorry about making your digestive tracts squeeze up in sympathy pain). He’s got these cool blue metal pins sticking out of his toes which make him look like Freddie Krueger and a super cool camouflage cast. But he’s had some complications from that surgery, he’s not doing well, and they are bringing him up to Vanderbilt as I type this. I’m worried about him, a lot, so I’m asking if you would think of him, pray for him, and send him some good thoughts. We love that man and we need for him to be okay.

Love, Jimmie

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A Memory

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Happy Halloween!

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