I Nearly Forgot!

Way back in April when I found myself in a state of unemployment, I began the laborious process of cleaning out my office space.  I am a firm believer in moving right into a work environment and what I don’t store at work, I like to schlep back and forth on my person or in my car.  I have, at minimum, a purse, a lunch bag, a computer bag and a makeup bag with me every day.  You never know when you might need any of those things.  And in my car I have a bag of clean Ziploc food containers, a Bible, a book, a sweatshirt, an umbrella and some tote bags.  Those are my everyday items.

Currently my non-everyday car items include: a wooden canvas frame, a stereo which is the last remaining gift my ex-husband gave me (we divorced in 2004), school books from when I volunteered at the Adult Literacy Council (have not done that in two years), a bag of towels, a ceramic sheep, shoe cleaner, Tigger’s car seat and some twine.  (I don’t know either.) (I don’t have the toilet handle in my car anymore because we used that.  And my potty still works!)

Also, and this is where this gets important, my car still contains every item I had stored at my last job.  The day that I was delivered the news that they could not keep me (and their loss, btw) was the day I started packing.  What a process that was.  If my car items are any indication, you can only imagine what I stored in my office.  Unfortunately, there was much crying and wailing with cloudy tear-filled eyes as I packed my car so most of that stuff was unceremoniously flung into the trunk with a few curse words but no planning.  I haven’t given it much thought since then, mostly because I don’t want to.  I don’t like reliving that. 

Every now and again I’ll have a vague notion of something I am missing.  I’ll remember having a really nice tape measure or the cutest picture of Pooh, and then I’ll remember that I had it at my former office which will cause me to lose any interest in finding it because I will remember what my trunk looks like. 

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However, Christmas.  It rolled around like it seems to do every year.  I am decidedly not in the Christmas spirit this year.  I do not have a tree decorated.  I do not have snowflakes hung.  I do not have my Christmas baking items out.  I do have some snowmen salt and pepper shakers on the table, though, because they were in a closet and I ran across them one day.  Until Sunday, I had baked no cookies or treats and I only did it on Sunday because I had to for a party.  I am a Grinch.

Two weeks ago I thought I would bite the bullet and dig in the trunk of my car for something.  I have no idea what because as I was digging for it I caught a glimpse of pink glitter. 

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Oh!  Oh I was so excited!  Glitzen!  I dug him out and he is now standing proudly at my desk, bringing Christmas cheer. 

Like last year, my new co-workers are appalled.  My new boss, who needs a name, was discussing Very Important Work Items with me and as we were conversing she kept flicking her eyes from me to my reindeer.  It don’t know how she didn’t give herself vertigo, it was so fast and furious.  Finally she whispered, “What is it?”

I tied a jaunty bow around his neck this year.  His horns are a little worse for wear, being smushed under all that stuff I threw into my trunk in my hissy fit rage.  But he is here, warming hearts and bringing some much needed color.  If I am going to be a Grinch, I will at least do it in style.

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 Merry Christmas, y’all! 

Not Quite Dammit Todd

Last night was my church small group Christmas party.  In class yesterday morning we talked first about what each person should bring to the potluck later in the evening and then about the lesson.  One guy in particular, Jacob, was pretty excited about all the food we would be having and at every pause in the lesson he would sigh, “ham” or “mashed potatoes” or “green beans”.  Once during the Creation story when it was mentioned that Eve was formed from Adam’s rib he moaned “ribs”. 

This was a boy with an appetite. 

I don’t know if you know this about me but I like it when men eat.  I don’t want some guy to have a namby pamby appetite.  I want him to pile his plate up and really enjoy his food, and I want to watch him do it.  It’s why I like Dammit Todd so much.  I was fully prepared to stare in admiration at Jacob throughout the dinner as he tucked into it.  To my delight he piled his plate up good, getting some of everything.  He sat down and sniffed his food, waiting for everyone else to get seated.  He put his napkin in his lap after the prayer and grabbed his fork.  And halfway through his plate he said, “My eyes were bigger than my stomach.  I’m full,” and he pushed his plate away.  I was crestfallen.  What a disappointment.  Almost ruined the party for me.  But I got a pretty angel ornament and so the evening was saved. 

Speaking of Dammit Todd, I’d like to announce that we are now to refer to him as Dammit Todd, P.E.  The P.E. (Professional Engineer) is a test that engineers must pass in order to get specific raises and job titles and respect, etc.  Dammit Todd is now a member of the elite.  Congrats, man!

Also, speaking of Miguel (work with me here), I’d like to announce that we are now to refer to him as Miguel, E.I.T.  This is another such similar test and Miguel is now a member of that elite.  Congrats, man! 

I have such smart friends. 

Home, Part 2

In light of our nation’s recent events, I feel the need to celebrate my family once again.  Thanksgiving this year was spent at the homestead, reminiscing, loving, just enjoying each other’s company.  I feel so fortunate to have a family and to even like them!  Here are some additional pictures.

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This is Precious.  Or Girlfriend.  I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t know which one this is.  Madre treats these varmints as if they are her children and since this girl is my “sister”, I’m ashamed I can’t remember her name.  That’s okay, though.  Madre, when she’d get mad at us as kids, could never remember our names either.  Turnabout’s fair play.

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This was our Christmas tree one year.  Poppa said we weren’t to have some tree just go to waste after being gussied up for a few weeks. No siree. We got a live tree with a giant bulbous root on the bottom of it, and because it was a live tree we could only have it decorated for three days before we had to plant it.  We decorated it in a frenzy and sat maniacally by it, just staring at it and absorbing as much of it as we could before we disrobed it and hauled it out to the yard to plant.  We did this for a couple of years but this was the only tree that has survived the planting.  The other trees either croaked off shortly after being planted or were killed in a freak thunderstorm.

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This here is Poppa’s truck.  Have you ever seen a manlier truck in your whole life?

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This is the baptizing hole.  It is exactly what you think it is.  Local churches would bring their members here for a full immersion.  It isn’t used for that anymore which makes me a little sad.

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This is Boo, putting on his shoes and socks after “rescuing” Madre’s new dog, Lucy Loo.  Lucy Loo, being a spastic puppy and new to the world, doesn’t fully grasp the meaning of “You are too close to the bank! Move, dog!”  With a surprisingly wimpy splash, Lucy Loo went over the side of the bank and into the water where she discovered that full immersion is not for her.  Kasi Starr leaned over the bank and snatched that puppy up by her collar.  However, as all good men are wont to do, Boo stripped down to his bare feet and leaped into the water where he was poised to rescue in a matter of seconds. Too bad it was all for naught as Kasi Starr had already performed the heroics and Lucy Loo was saved.  So Boo stood there for a moment in the water that was, at maximum, thirty degrees and experienced a refreshing creek mud bath from the knee down.

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This is Lucy Loo being a very unappreciative dog.

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This is Jimmie, holding Tigger.  She is my little monkey.  I wish I could hug her now, and Pooh too.  I wish I had a picture of Pooh and me.  Christmas.  I’ll get it then.  I am blessed, can’t you tell?

Connecticut, You Have Our Hearts

*

Blessed are those who mourn,

For they shall be comforted

                                ~Matthew 5:4

 

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

~Psalm 34:18

 

And then the lawless one will be revealed whom the Lord will consume

with the breath of His mouth and destroy with the brightness of

His coming.

~2 Thessalonians 2:8

 

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more

death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain for the former

things have passed away.

~Revelation 21:4

*

Words are not sufficient. We grieve with you. 

You are in my every prayer. 

Guest Post: Freddie – Breaking The Law

So, did you know that it was against the law to drive with a headlight burned out?? Me neither! I mean, what would the world be without the random game of padiddle on the road?? Apparently, the Hendersonville police department is especially keen on ticketing folks with only one headlight. I’ll start at the beginning, because this is good.

Jimmie, Roxanne and I decided that we would have a movie date the night that Magic Mike came out on video, so we waited…and waited…and waited…and finally it came out, but due to our very busy social calendars (Editor’s Note: We are very busy and important.), it took us about a month to finally set a date that would work for all three of us. It happened to be a Saturday night after Jimmie and I got together with Felix, Ian and Rickster for Mexican. We decided that Jimmie should drive since I’d had a margarita (or two), so I left my car at the Mexican joint and hopped in the Hyundai with Jimmie.

Here we are, two fabulous women (Editor’s Note: hear, hear!) rolling down Gallatin Pike and having ourselves a good old time chatting away and catching up, when Jimmie stops right in the middle of a story and says, “Oh, shoot!” You can imagine my concern when she tells me she’s worried that she’s going to get pulled over. I knew she hadn’t been drinking, but then started to worry that maybe she’d taken up some sort of illegal recreational activity that I didn’t know about and had the goods stashed in the trunk. Now, imagine my relief when she tells me that she has a headlight out. I mean, people don’t get arrested for that!

Suddenly, I see flashing lights! They’re on to us! The officer strolled up to the window and shined her incredibly bright flashlight in Jimmie’s face and says, “You know you have a headlight out?” Jimmie told her that she was just noticing that as we were driving down the road and it looked a little dark off to the right. The lovely lady police officer took Jimmie’s license and registration back to the car and wrote up a nice little warning. That’s right…only a warning. This, right here, is where the big boobs and eyelashes come in handy, guys! Oh, wait…it was a female officer…hmmm…..Anyway, as she was handing over the warning, she explained that if we got stopped again, we could simply show the warning to the officer and let them know that we had already been stopped and they would let us off the hook. File that away…

And we’re on our way again. We finally made it to Roxanne’s house and watched this movie that would have been amazing if they hadn’t messed with a plot. Whose idea was that anyway?? I mean, who takes that much hotness and adds a lame ass story line. Who cares about a story line?? I mean, why am I listening to these people talk when I could be watching Channing Tatum do the sexiest worm I’ve ever seen? Or Matthew McConaughey…oh, don’t even get me started on that man… Yummy!

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The movie ended, we wiped the drool from our faces and headed back to the restaurant to pick up my car. Hold your breath!

Drive, drive, drive, flashing lights, drive, crap! Stopped again! Jimmie obediently pulled into the next entry while pulling the warning out of the filing location. There was no batting of the eyelashes, smiling or flashing of the cleavage on this one, folks. Not a word was spoken; just the flashing of the warning, and the officer smiled and acknowledged that we’d been through this once already that night, and was on his way.

Twice…twice in one night…the officers in Hendersonville must have been having a good old time playing padiddle that night, because twice in one night?? Really?? I learned so much that night about replacing your headlight when you find that it’s out. Padiddle is not just a game that school girls play. It’s also breaking the law…but the abs were so…worth…it….

And please tell me that you fixed your headlight! (Editor’s Note:  Of course I did!  I fluttered my eyelashes at the boys at Auto Zone and viola!  Headlight fixed. I’m so rad.)

Good Stuff

I don’t have a lot to say today.  I’m tired.  Yesterday at work one of my team members asked, “What’s wrong with you?  Are you okay?”

“I am,” I replied.  “Why?”

“Your eyes look tired,” she said.

“Oh.  I’m just 40.  That’s all.”

I got a cartoon from a good friend recently.  I will paraphrase it for you.  Jesus was walking along a beach with a man and was explaining the footprints message.  He said, pointing, “You see those footsteps there?  That is where I carried you.”  In the next scene He said, pointing, “You see those long scuff marks there?  That is where I drug you.”

Some days are like that, no? 

I have a circle of friends that started a “Three Good Things” group.  Every day we post a list on Facebook of three happy events from the day.  This is not my daily list but as I was trying to decide what to post today, I thought of that cartoon and then of these things which have lately made me happy: 

  1. Back when my car was breaking every other week, the Hyundai dealership told me that I had to plan for a $1000 car fix before the end of the year.  I got a second opinion.  Guess what?  Clean bill of health on my car.  That money I saved to fix it is now mine and will rest happily in my savings account.
  2. Somebody gave me a pedicure as a gift, right when I needed it the most and right when I could least afford it.
  3. I asked God for something I thought I really wanted.  It would have been the answer to all my problems.  He said no. 

Sometimes God says yes to our prayers.

Sometimes God says wait.

Sometimes God says no.

And I guess sometimes God just drags us all the way through it until we decide to stand up on our own two feet and walk.  Today I’m walking. 

What are your good things today? 

A Memory

In the places where I grew up, 4-H was a pretty big deal. It was something we elementary school kids looked forward to every month.  I always wanted to participate in the poster contest; it was my favorite activity.  I never won which was my greatest disappointment.  The year I was certain I’d made the best poster Dinah Stafford beat me with her “Burst into 4-H” theme and picture of a giant balloon.  I was crushed.   I needed a salve for my bitter heartbreak and lit on the perfect thing when they passed out the forms used to sign us up for the spring activities: farm animals!  The only thing that would soothe me was a bunny rabbit.  I would sign up to raise a bunny rabbit and be healed.  Unfortunately, bunny rabbits were bought at a higher price than I knew we could afford.  I signed up for the next best thing which was chickens.  Actually, a pig was the next best thing but a pig cost more than a rabbit.  Chickens it would be!  They were free!

I rocked merrily along, knowing my chickens would soon arrive. I was pretty excited about it.  Unfortunately my excitement never carried over into a conversation with Madre and Poppa about those chickens.  Their first inkling at my new endeavor came in the form of a note I brought home with the date and time I was to pick up my chickens, a whole week away.  Oh, I learned some new bad words then.

Poppa spent that whole week building a chicken coop for me.  I learned even more bad words during that time.  There was a lot of hammering and huffing and swearing but I had the prettiest chicken coop you ever did see by the time those chickens came home. 

Madre drove me over to the co-op (or wherever I was supposed to go – it’s been a few years) and there we got 25 baby chicks.  Oh, mercy, they were cute.  Little yellow balls of fluff that made tiny little noises and had no equilibrium at all.  They fell over each other and slept on top of each other and got stuck under the water bottle.  They pooped everywhere.  I didn’t mind. I fed and watered them every morning and night, cleaned out the newspaper in the bottom of their box and tucked them in under the warmer for the evening’s rest.  When they were large enough, I put them into their new chicken coop and again, fed them every morning and night.

Those baby chicks grew into the prettiest Rhode Island Reds, if you can call chickens pretty.  They had roosting boxes where they laid eggs.  Have you ever had farm fresh eggs?  The yolks were so yellow they were almost orange.  Also, it takes chickens a while to lay eggs correctly so sometimes you’d get a weird oblong cylinder egg, sometimes an egg with two yolks, sometimes an egg that would barely crack it was so tough.  I collected and sold those eggs and bought my first ten speed bike with that money. 

In the fall, I had to take five of my chickens to the fair to be judged.  I sort of knew this would happen but I didn’t know that those five chickens would be auctioned off to purchase the new chicks for next year.  I gathered up my five favorites, fat little birds with some serious attitude.  We loaded them up and took off for the judging.  When we got there, we watched in fascination as the judges weighed each chicken, measured the breast bone, checked the combs and the feathers and the feet and the beaks.  I didn’t really understand why the judges kept coming back to my five chickens until the winners were announced.  I WAS THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER!  I WAS THE MASTER OF RAISING CHICKENS!  I WAS SO PROUD!  It was probably best that I didn’t tell them that the one chick who got stuck under the water bottle when it was a baby suffered a broken leg that never healed right and was crippled as an adult.

After the judging, they began the chicken auction.  I remember looking at Madre with confusion.  “What are they doing?  Why are they acting like they are going to sell my chickens?”  Madre gently explained that the money would buy chickens for a 4th grader the next year. I got teary-eyed and shy.  Those were my babies.  Madre, a farm girl herself, seemed to understand without me saying a word and so she began to bid on my chickens. Someone kept bidding against us and we ended up paying $40 dollars for those five chickens that I had gotten for free.

With relief I rode home with Madre in her truck, clutching my purple grand prize ribbon and my trophy with the chicken on top, every so often looking in the bed of the truck at my award winning chickens. 

Madre and Poppa still have chickens today.  All that cussing and swearing and hammering Poppa did?  I’ll have you know he is the one who every night wanders out to lock those chickens in the chicken house to keep them safe from predators.  He is the one who collects the eggs.  He is the one who makes sure every scrap that would be remotely appealing to a chicken is saved and tossed into the pen with their nightly dinner.  Big old softie.

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And That Is Why Bubba And I Broke Up

It was 1990 and I was a senior in high school. I had kissed a few boys but had only had one boyfriend of note. His name was Chris and he was cute but we fell apart pretty quickly when I learned that he cut the tags out of my bras so that he could show his friends what size bra I wore. Remember I was breastacularly blessed in those days. I really felt like he liked me for me and not what I brought to the party, so to speak. I thought he was one of the few guys whose eyes made contact with mine and not my chest. Apparently I was mistaken, but honestly I wasn’t crushed. I was only 16 after all.

Then when I was 17 I took a field trip with my classmates. On the bus one of my good boy friends, Billy, and I talked about prom. I know this will be hard for you to believe, but I was super shy in high school. I didn’t talk much outside of my circle and especially not to boys. I would have DIED if I had to start a conversation with one so the boys who were close to me were pretty rare. Anyway, Billy and I talked about prom and decided we’d like to go together. See, he was really tall and I had a super cute car. I could wear heels without feeling like the dork that was taller than her date and he got the chance to drive my car, which he loved. I was pretty excited about this plan.

About two weeks after I made this date, another boy started showing interest in me. His name, and I am not even kidding, was Bubba. Bubba looked me in the eye and asked me out for real dates and before long, I was wearing his class ring. I’d spend an hour or so every Sunday night melting wax from a candle and molding it to fit in the back of that ring so that it would fit me. Then I’d stare at it for hours. I loved wearing that ring. And Bubba was nice too.

When prom time rolled around, Bubba started making some noise about what we would wear. I had already designed my dress – it was a black mullet dress with a white and black polka dot liner. I was so proud of it. Here’s the problem, though. Billy had already picked out his tux to match my dress. We still were planning to go to prom together. It never occurred to me to take Bubba until he mentioned it. I wanted to go with Billy. It was a difficult conversation but Bubba said he understood.

Billy and I had a fantastic time at the prom. And then we had a fantastic time at the after party. Bubba attended the party as well, and while I liked showing off the ring to all my friends, I never seemed to make the leap into actually showing off my boyfriend. Late into the night, Billy got . . . . sick to his stomach. Yes, sick to his stomach. I’m pretty sure it was some . . . . bad crab dip, yes of course, because I know there was no alcohol at that party (Hi, Daddy-O!). Since we took my car to the prom, I drove him home leaving Bubba behind with all my friends.

Not long after that Bubba and I parted ways. It might have been the next day. I cannot recall. What remains of our relationship is a prom picture in which I am wearing his ring and some graffiti under a bridge that reads “Bubba loves Jimmie”. I’d take a picture of it but there are probably snakes under that bridge and while I loved that ring, I’m just not that committed.

In case you hadn’t guessed, Billy grew up into Prom Date Will. I’m so sad that you can’t see Bubba’s ring in the picture. Still, when Prom Date Will and I get together again, we are totally going to recreate this photo with a modern day awkward pose. I figure we are good for it in 20 years which is exactly how often we see each other. I wonder if Bubba would let me borrow his ring.

This was my date.

This was my date.

And this was my car.

And this was my car.

Stuff Murphy Peed On, A Limerick With Pictures

There once was a kitty named Murphy

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Who felt that his life was quite worthy

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He peed on some stuff

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Then found it quite rough

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When Jimmie kicked him out in a hurry.

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Damn cat.

Sigh. Go Titans . . . .

I’m so happy I picked the Titans for my team.  Yeah, that was a good call.

About a week after I made my big announcement here in which I was giddy with excitement over having a team to call my own, my friend Billie asked if I wanted to go to a Titans’ game.  She had tickets and parking passes and a bottle of wine for tailgating.  Being a rabid fan and all, I said yes. 

That was the weekend we played the Bears.  Did any of you see that game?  What an embarrassment that was.  It was just pure humiliation.  I’m pretty sure that every time the Bears trotted out their defense, we gave them the ball and they scored.  Our first two points of the game were awarded because of a mistake made BY THE OTHER TEAM.  I’ll say this, the Titans have pretty colors.  That’s something.  I picked something pretty, right?

Billie and I spent the entire game sitting four rows back from the end zone and in a sea of Bears fans.  There were four people to the right of us wearing Titan’s colors and literally ever other person around us wore orange and navy and had a beer in hand.  The whole stadium was like that.  Those are some dedicated fans right there. 

Over and over again, every time the Titans did something stupid, Billie and I would slump lower in our seats.  When we initially arrived we were proud of our sweatshirts and jerseys but by the 90th Bears’ touchdown, we were practically sitting on the concrete floor under our seats and couldn’t find enough material to cover anything we had on identifying us as a Titan.  And also after the 90th touchdown, Billie and I just started telling everyone around us, “It’s our Southern hospitality.  We let you win.  Plus, we brought the cheerleaders.  You’re welcome.”  And the Bears seemed truly grateful for that. 

So about the Bears’ fans . . . . will anyone shoot me if I say they were nice?  They really were. Some of the nicest people I’ve ever met sat next to us.  The men who were so complimentary of our cheerleaders were also complimentary of Billie and me.  They liked our hair and our voices and our niceness.  I asked a few of them where the Chicago hot guys were, you know, the ones they were supposed to bring in trade for our cheerleaders.  Their response:  “We are from Chicago.  We look like sausages.  We eat well.” Noted.

And proven.  Those same guys invited Billie and me to their after game celebration tailgate party.  A group of them rented an RV, loaded it up with food and booze and drove down here for the weekend and so they had parties every night.  One of the guys owns a chain of restaurants in Chicago and brought one of his giant logs of gyro meat and the thingamabob you cook it on.  They had sausages of every sort.  They had chips and pretzels and caramel corn and beer and liquor and some more beer and sausages.  Their one nod to good health was the tub of raw onions they had for the sandwiches and the lone tomato they picked up somewhere along the way. 

The group of them invented a sandwich for this road trip, called the Road Trip 2012 Man Sandwich Gyro Griller or some such nonsense.  I called it a Heart Attack on a Bun.  The sandwich started with a buttered grilled hoagie bun which was topped with at least one grilled sausage split in half lengthwise.  Into the sausage was layered an extraordinary amount of shaved gyro meat.  It was then topped with raw onion, a tomato, and more tzatziki sauce than can be good for you.  Good luck trying to eat that.  I did try it, minus the onion naturally, and after a few bites felt a little tight in my chest so I tossed the rest.  Oof.

Those guys were a lot of fun.  They were perfect gentlemen, too, which was a nice change.  Not every man who plies you with tasty beverages and food and then cleans up after you, actually washing dishes and taking out the trash, has noble intentions.  At least not in my experience.  We made no promises to keep in touch but after reading the news the following week, I sort of wish we had.  I think those guys would be inordinately proud to know that not only did the Chicago fans drink the stadium dry that day, they also wiped out nearly every bar downtown of beer.  Unheard of. 

Chicago Bears – beer drinkers, sausage cookers, football players.  What an experience.  By the way, I’m still a loyal fan of my team.  I just wish I’d get the chance to attend a game in which I don’t leave in utter humiliation.  Sigh. 

 

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