Love, Jimmie

Whew, I’m Tired.

01 Dec 2012 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Uncategorized Tags: Humor, NaNoWriMo

I’m back! Hi! Did you miss me?

So, I am an official NaNoWriMo participant. Sadly, I am not a NaNoWriMo winner. I wrote 48,285 words in the last month. I just counted them up. I needed to write 50,000 in order to get the NaNo bragging rights, but I’m pretty happy with what I did. I wrote until nearly the last minute, a final desperate gasp on my Friday lunch break, but then I was done. Besides, Pooh and Tigger and I had to make gingerbread houses last night. That’s important enough for me to not finish 2000 measly words. They would have been crap anyway, just me throwing down sentences which I would have trashed today when I reread them.

To distract you from my lack of 2000 words, I have attached pictures of our gingerbread houses. Didn’t we do well?

In a NaNoWriMo wrap up, I’d like to share some valuable things I learned during this experience:

1. I have 38 containers of spices in my cabinet, three of which are ground mustard. To my knowledge I have never used ground mustard in any recipe so why I need three tins of it is beyond me.

2. My shoe racks are not large enough to fit all my shoes. I spent an afternoon cleaning them out and gave eight pair away.

3. Old toothbrushes make great grout scrubbers.

4. Murphy does not like it when you tape the bottoms of his feet.

5. I don’t like Nicholas Sparks’s books. Barf.

6. I had a bag of parsley in the fridge that did not fare well and THAT was what my fridge smell bad.

Procrastination at its finest. That’s what true writing is, people.

Seriously, I got a lot of work done on one book. It needs A LOT of work to get it into shape but my basic story is down and my themes are evident. I’m leaving it alone for a while to do other projects this month but in January I will revisit it. Here’s hoping I don’t cry when I reread it – it can’t be that bad, right?

Moving onwards now . . . . Don’t forget that I will be posting something here every day in December. I received two guest posts that I simply ran out of time to post. (I was typing like mad, y’all.) I will use those in December – thank you Freddie and Prom Date Will. Boss promised another – let’s see if he is a man of his word.

Thank you to everyone else who wrote for me last month. I luffed it. I luff you for doing that.

So, I have a lot to tell you in the next 30 days. You guys missed a lot. Good thing I have a mind like a steel trap and forget nothing.

Happy December! Talk at you tomorrow.

Love,

Jimmie

Guest Post: Jonquil. Oh Y’all, This One Has Pictures.

23 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Guest Post Tags: Humor

Jimmie and I met in college, and we shared a pretty unusual work-study job. We were managers for the men’s basketball team. (Editor’s Note: BEST. JOB. EVER.) You know how Jimmie was all clueless about football, picking teams with cute players as criteria? Well, we knew every cute basketball player in our division, his stats, and how he treated his manager. (Editor’s Note: Rawr!) And we loved our boys, even crushing on a few here and there. We attended practices (swept the floor), shared pre-game meals (spaghetti and green beans), traveled with the team (curfews and hotel rooms make for funny stories), maintained the bench (we can make a mean water bottle), and helped keep things organized (Coach always needed help with his keys).

Remember how I told you I have no rear end? This here is proof. Ridiculous. Jimmie in mustard (what was I thinking?) and Jonquil in blue.

There were four of us girls—Jimmie, the Bookkeeper, the Stat, and me. Only recently did I remember a nickname Jimmie and Bookkeeper called me: MIT. It stood for Mom-In-Training. Apparently, I may have gone a little overboard in my managing. (Editor’s Note: A little? Nosiree. She LIVED for it.) Now that I’m a mom of two, I think they were onto something.

Then: I would find inspiring quotes to hang up at practice and make posters and signs for our team, especially for big games. Jimmie even got me to go in the DEKE house to decorate a door once. (Editor’s Note: The DEKE house was G-R-O-S-S. Gross. The level of Jonquil’s dedication knew no bounds.)

Now: I am definitely a cheerleader for my family. I will stuff notes in their backpacks, write notes on bananas in their lunches, and cheer them on in all their endeavors.

Then: I would practically pack every guy’s bag, including being prepared for anything with the two team bags. Then I had to comb the locker room one last time to make sure nothing was left behind. (Editor’s Note: It wasn’t unheard of for Jonquil to help the guys with their laundry. No way no how was I up for that.)

Now: I have to practically pack Esteban, Cookie and Essie (Jonquil’s adorable children), including all the other stuff we’ll need for a trip; and, I definitely make a final sweep of the house or hotel room before leaving.

Then: I would nag people to remember this or that. (Editor’s Note: Oh, yes she did.)

Now: Oh, yeah, I nag.

Then: I would set my alarm early and I would cheerfully make sure everyone else was awake, especially on the road. (Editor’s Note: This “cheerfully making sure everyone was awake” business included a before dawn telephone call in which Jonquil would trill merrily into the phone “Gooooood morning, have a happy!” No.)

Now: My good morning humor did not survive pregnancy. I hit snooze as many times as possible and don’t want to muster more than a grunt as a morning greeting.

Then: l learned things I never thought I’d need to know. For instance, jock strap size is based on waist size, people. (Editor’s Note: Boys, get over yourselves.)

Now: If Essie tells you she doesn’t want anything else to eat, the extra food you made her finish will come back to haunt you in a stomach flu nightmare.

Then and now: Jimmie was a hoot! (Editor’s Note: <preen>)

When I graduated, Jimmie gave me a scrapbook of my senior year, and a basketball signed by all our boys. I can look at that ball and recall all the highs and lows of each season, and the enormous amount of fun we had. MIT was not such a bad nickname after all, and I am grateful for the extra training I received as a mom.

(Editor’s Note: She was and still is fantastic at all of that. Centre College Men’s Basketball will never be the same. Her family can attest to that.)

Jonquil and Jimmie, age 12. So, so young.

Guest Post: Michelle. Oasis Center

18 Nov 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Guest Post

I have known Jimmie for a while now and have been a big fan of her blog. I’m so excited for her and her challenge of writing 50,000 words this month. (Editor’s Note: I am SO FAR behind. I’m going to make it but no one is allowed to be mad at me if I don’t answer the phone when you call. I have to type my little fingers off to catch up.) I have to say, I was honored to be included in the list of folks she asked to be guest bloggers. I have a baby blog (Oh, not a blog about babies, rather it’s only 2 months old). I write about my art (so if Jimmie wants to share the link, I’d love for you to check it out) (Editor’s Note: Of course I do! Studio B – she’s super talented.) so it’s more visual than wordy. And I was humbled to find out that Jimmie likes my writing, which coming from her, someone who writes well and will have published books out there one day, means a lot! Yes, I said it, I believe Jimmie will be published in the near future and I already made her promise to sign copies of the books I purchase! (Editor’s Note: You see why I love her?)

Anyhow, since I’m new to blogging and I want to do her proud, I had some questions about length of the post and topic. She suggested I write about another one of my passions. I volunteer for the Oasis Center here in Nashville and I just passed my 2 year anniversary in September. If you’re not familiar with Oasis, we are an agency that serves youth in need in the area.

I have to backtrack a bit to tell you about how I came to volunteering and even what it is that I do. I work for a local University and one of my programs focuses on moral and ethical leadership in the professions. Part of my job is managing a group of Fellows made up of students from the professional schools on campus. To participate in the fellowship, the students work on a year- long interdisciplinary project using their areas of expertise and leadership skills to help a non-profit agency with whatever their particular need might be. For example, a few years ago, a group of Fellows worked with the Oasis Center to build a community garden and program around cooking with and eating fresh vegetables. It was quite a success and to my knowledge, the garden is still there and being used. At the time, I had not heard of the Oasis Center so one afternoon when I was there to deliver some books (part of the program included resource books) for their library, I had a chance to chat with one of the resident counselors about the work they do. Long story short, I decided that I wanted to volunteer with them. So, I turned in my application, waited for the back ground check, and then was able to meet with their fantastic volunteer coordinator (who incidentally is now a student in the school where I work).

At the time, I thought I wanted to work with the young folks who live in the Loft. These are formerly homeless youth who have the opportunity to get back on their feet while living in the Loft for up to 20 months. However, there weren’t any positions available at the time so it was suggested that I join the Street Outreach team. So, in September 2010, I began volunteering as an outreach person. And then, at the end of October, my dad suddenly passed away. For those of you who have lost someone dear to you, you can imagine how crazy that period of time is. I took off all of November from Outreach. I was so lost, but returning to Outreach provided moments of time when I could concentrate on something other than the pain of this loss. So when I went back out with my outreach partner in December, I was thankful that the small interactions with people was all that was required with me because I didn’t think I had it in my heart to try to build relationships with the youth living in the Loft at the time. Little did I know that I would still be building relationships no matter what I was doing.

Ok, so you might be wondering what is Street Outreach. Good question, cause I didn’t know either. It’s described on the website as a dedicated staff person and volunteer who pair up to walk the streets of downtown Nashville so homeless youth know there is a place for them to turn to for help. I’m not sure that description really captures the experience. So, I will try to paint you a picture.

My volunteer nights are the 1st and 3rd Friday of the month. I meet my partner at the center at 7:00pm (year round and I’ve been out in the rain, the snow and the heat cause homeless folks don’t get a day off for weather) and we pack 2 shopping bags a piece with socks, snacks, shirts (hoodies and blankets in the winter, water bottles in the summer) and then grab a back pack each before signing out (safety is a big priority) and heading downtown.

We have certain areas of downtown that we cover each week. We (carefully) approach folks and ask if they want a pair of socks. I have a confession to make. I’m not a fan of socks. I hate having my feet covered. In fact, even though it’s chilly right now, I don’t have any socks on. But I never realized how important they are to folks who are on their feet all day, who don’t have the opportunity to bathe regularly, who wear the same pair of shoes day in and out. One of the first times I was out, we came across a young man sitting at a bus bench with a suitcase. He was accompanied by a friend. I offered him a pair of socks and he burst into tears. The pair had just gotten into town, the young man had gotten away from a bad situation and the act of kindness from a stranger overwhelmed him. We were able to direct him to our facility (during the week they run a drop in service where youth can get a meal, a shower, clean clothes and some services if needed). I don’t know what ever happened to him or if he’s ever thought about that moment again, but I still remember him. That my tiny act of kindness made a difference in his life for a moment.

We don’t only hand out items to young folks. We give to anyone who needs. And that’s where some of those relationships are being built. Folks look out for youth and they let us know when new young people are in town or they direct them to our facility. It’s quite a community out there. And I’m proud to be a very small part of it.

(Editor’s Note: There are so many organizations in Nashville for lending a helping hand. I’ve wanted to feature other things here but only know what I do so I’m happy to have this information for you. I’m sure that Michelle would also be happy to answer any questions on her favorites – check out her blog for an email addy.)

Cheers, Michelle

Guest Post: Esteban. Books And Bars.

11 Nov 2012 3 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Guest Post Tags: Humor

I know the words in the title don’t seem to go together, but they do for me as I am both a Librarian and a bartender. My name is Esteban, and I know Jimmie through my wife who is called Jonquil on this blog. (Editor’s Note: This was Esteban.) I know Jimmie certainly likes books, but she has less of an appreciation of alcoholic beverages, although I do recall seeing a bottle of wine in her fridge when we visited last. (Editor’s Note: He recalls seeing it because I made him open it so that I could cook something with it. Oh, that cork was a bear. But he got it open and I used precisely one quarter cup of it and then it sat in my fridge until it went bad. Rowdy is what I am.)

In an effort to give this blog some class, I was ordered volunteered to try to help Jimmie with her need for guest bloggers. Hopefully, it will be entertaining enough to be selected by the lady with the big, sexy hair. (Editor’s Note: Congratulations, Esteban! You made the cut.)

Working in a large, public library in an urban area, I have seen the rise of people like Jimmie who enjoy reading their books on their various electronic devices. It’s not the death-knell for libraries as some thought it would be, since libraries are the best places to get your free, downloadable books. My library is alive and well and helping more and more people, especially during the last few years with the recession and people turning to the library for free entertainment and job searching information.

I’ve often thought Jimmie would be a perfect library employee – so outgoing and helpful. I know what you’re thinking: How can somebody so loud and with such big, sexy hair work in a library? Don’t believe the stereotype of librarians as being old ladies with their gray hair in a bun shushing everybody. My library is fairly loud and full of young people working there, some with a fair amount of tattoos. Jimmie’s personality would fit right in. She would have to deal with the large number of mentally-unstable people that come through the doors. (Editor’s Note: Was this a compliment? I’m not sure it was a compliment.) There are many homeless and other disadvantaged people who seek shelter in the library. Some people I’ve dealt with over the years are the woman who always checked out books on alien abductions who claimed she was frequently abducted herself; a man who complained about somebody continuing to “zap” his chair; and my wife’s favorite is the guy who rubbed the magazine all over his body because he enjoyed the cologne insert that was in the magazine. (Editor’s Note: Men, do not do this. It’s weird.)

I could also picture Jimmie working as a bartender where her “assets” would be very helpful. (Editor’s Note: He means my hair. Doesn’t he?) While I work at a private club now, I have worked other places where the regulars were colorful characters. Again, Jimmie would fit right in. Her knowledge of wine might have to improve if she wants to work in a finer establishment, though. (Editor’s Note: What? I could totally work in a finer establishment.)

You know, more people are learning to appreciate wine, and it is losing its once-snobby reputation. However, the people who write descriptions of wine apparently have not gotten the memo. Here’s an excerpt of one description I read recently: “demure aromas of black fruits with a note of cigar box and tarry oak.” A note of cigar box? Do I want to drink that? Here’s another excerpt: “enticing scents of dark Queen Anne cherries, sawdust and sandalwood” which is apparently “a delight to drink.” Maybe it’s for shop class. (Editor’s Note: Pft. I can do better than that! “This wine, it tastes like barf. You don’t want that. And this one? It tastes vaguely of how cat urine smells. It ought to go great with your sushi and side of onions.” Finer establishment, here I come!) I don’t know that much about wine, but the wine writers must be drinking quite a lot of what they’re reviewing.

Raise your glasses to Jimmie! Best of luck to you in your literary efforts!

Guest Post: Madre. Shopping, “Jimmie-isms” And Things I Have Learned From My Daughter

07 Nov 2012 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Guest Post Tags: Humor

Let me begin by saying that I am the lucky Mom…..Jimmie has been an absolute delight since the day she was born and she is also one of my very best friends. As such, I have plenty of stories about her.

As friends will do, we love to go SHOPPING. I call Jimmie my “personal shopper.” When she is with me she will grab a shirt out of someone’s hands if she thinks it is just right for me. I was witness to this in TJ Maxx one day; thankfully the shirt she grabbed was in the hands of a sales clerk and not another shopper that we had to bloody well beat unconscious to have it for our own. We can spend hours in dressing rooms trying on things we will never buy, but have fun looking at ourselves in the mirrors and deciding how many pounds to lose before something would be totally flattering. She has taught me to be a patient shopper and to ALWAYS take time to try something on before just thinking it will be a perfect fit and look like something out of a fashion magazine.

As Mother and Daughter we are very much alike, including height (almost) and size so we often end up with matching items because it looked soooo good on one of us. I take full credit for Jimmie’s love of shopping. It all started when she was five years old. I had picked up Jimmie and her sister from daycare on my way home from work and we decided to have sandwiches for supper. This required a stop at the local Thrifty Bread Store close to our apartment. We had been there several times so I knew Jimmie knew her way around. I sent her in by her little, young, five year old self to get a loaf of bread. I gave her a dollar and asked her to get a loaf like we always purchased and take it to the clerk and give her the dollar, but be sure to wait for the change. Jimmie proudly came back to the car with bread and change and a confident sense of accomplishment. I beamed with pride!! The following day as we were on our way home Jimmie asked: “Do we need to stop by the Used Bread Store again?” She was ready for more independent shopping!!

The Used Bread Store brings me to “Jimmie-isms.” As a child (and sometimes rolling into adulthood) Jimmie has tagged some unusual “isms” in which she makes up a new phrase or word to describe something:

A Pair of Clothes – Why not? It’s a top and a bottom like shorts and t-shirt, like a pair of socks or a pair of shoes…stuff that comes in twos.

A Tree of Grapes – Don’t pull the grapes off the stem for her. Break off a branch and let her do the work.

Makercial – The interruption of a television program that tries to sell you something. But also, the perfect time to run to the fridge for ice cream before the program comes back on.

Navy Green – Best I can figure is this a dark green color, perhaps something like navy blue.

There are more, but I leave them to your imagination and continue with things I have learned from Jimmie. I’ll tell you next about WALKING. After Jimmie moved to Nashville, I joined her one weekend for a walk on The Greenway (the whole 6 miles). I consider myself an active and reasonably athletic person. I live on a farm, work daily with horses, put up hay, etc. But…she walked my legs off. I decided then and there to map out some mileage on our rural country roads and do some dedicated walking. My goal is 15 miles a week and I usually meet that goal and sometimes go over.

Next, Jimmie introduced me to organized 5Ks. I’ve always been a competitive person (horse shows, racing SCCA, target shooting, hunting, both fox {Tally Ho} and big game), so 5Ks fit right in. I’m proud to say at the age of 69, I was the fastest in the 60+ age group in my second ever competition. Recently this required another shopping trip with Jimmie for new shoes; I’d worn the tread off my first pair.

Along with exercise, Jimmie has encouraged DIET. After years of feeding a family of six through childhood and teenage years (ever wonder how many times a teenager can open and close a refrigerator door in one day?), it was a challenge to prepare meals for just two. It was also a challenge not to eat all the leftovers (oh, those extra pounds) as I was cleaning up after a meal. Just a spoonful here and a little bit there, not enough to save and too good to throw away. After all, I was raised by parents who grew up in Depression years….waste not, want not….clean your plate, etc. Jimmie is very conscientious about diet and food preparation, and again I love to grocery shop with her. She has not only given me great recipes, she somehow let me know that it was okay to throw away the “extras.” I’m not really wasting anything if it can be fed to the dog, cat or chickens and we do have a rural garbage pick-up once a week. Thanks to my wonderful daughter I’m 37 pounds lighter and can’t wait for the next 5K.

In closing this guest post I’ll add a few things that make me proud to say I am Jimmie’s Madre. She has so much compassion, a tender heart and the desire to keep those around her happy. Her intelligence and work ethics are amazing and she will face the most difficult tasks with a sense of humor. (I’d love to know her “come-back” when Boss called her a Low Functioning Retard — I think they had a great time working together). And lastly, have you ever met anyone else who really loved the research and creating of Term Papers while in college?

GOD bless you, Jimmie.

(Editor’s Note: I did not pay Madre a dime to say those nice things about me. Also, my only comeback for Boss was “I hate your guts” and “I know I’m your favorite”. I could possibly use some suggestions. Anyone got any?)

(Another Editor’s Note: I’ve written over 10,000 words so far. Y’all, this is work.)

Guest Post: Boss

01 Nov 2012 10 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Guest Post, I'm Going Somewhere Tags: Humor, Travel

Hello folks, its Boss. I have known and worked with Jimmie for a long time and she has graciously offered to let me expound a few thoughts. (Editor’s Note: Oh, goodie!)

As you may or may not know, I have made a career out of being a handyman. Not the kind that Jimmie constantly needs to fix the niggling stuff around her house. No, my job is to basically fly around the country (sometimes the world) and fix things. Sometimes it is a project, sometimes it is a client relationship, sometimes it is an employee and sometimes it is the whole company culture (particularly when run by a CEO with no experience, no maturity, no eggs, and, inexplicably, an ego the size of Tennessee). (Editor’s Note: Perhaps Boss is talking about the last company we worked for, the one that let me go. Or, perhaps not.) The fixes vary from item to item, and it is my job to figure out a fix that is most advantageous to all parties. It’s a job that requires a lot of independence, a lot of flexibility and a little luck (or as Jimmie would have you believe, a charmed life).

All of those things are threaded together with literally millions of frequent flier miles and hours of time spent on airplanes and in airports. One thing that I have noticed is that the vast majority of the American travelling public is completely ignorant of the basics of air travel. As a PSA, I would like to take a little time to offer some helpful tips that, when used, will make the flying experience better for all of us.

1. Thanks to the advent of terrorism, you will be going through a metal detector prior to boarding your plane. The metal detector’s sole purpose is to make a loud annoying noise when a metallic object is passed through it. When this happens, the line comes to a screeching halt, the security agent (typically taking a semester off from Harvard rocket scientist school to recharge) asks you to devoid yourself of metal, then pass through again. This is repeated until no metal is detected. Knowing this should help you when you get dressed in the morning. Believe it or not, it is not necessary to travel with metal snuff can lids, belt buckles the size of dinner plates, pocket knives, railroad spikes or other miscellaneous metals. Yes, your cell phone will set off the alarm; put it on the belt prior to walking through the device. No, your newspaper, book, and money that folds will not set it off; walk on through confidently. No, once you get to your destination, you will not be driving your car; therefore there is no reason to carry a wad of keys bigger than a Toyota. Hey, here’s an idea, put them in your briefcase. Yes, if you are wearing as much jewelry as Mr. T, the alarm will go off. No, you don’t need to stop immediately on the other side of the detector if it doesn’t go off. Keep moving and get the hell out of the way. Yes, I realize that there is a chance a loaded pallet will fall out of the overhead bin and onto your foot, but the odds are low, so you probably won’t need those steel toed boots. Speaking of shoes, you will have to take them off so don’t come to the airport wearing elaborately buttoned boots that take 45 minutes to take off. And guess what – if you go outside the secure area, you have to go through the process all over again.

2. If you have a boarding pass, you don’t have to check in at the gate. Get out of line, sit down and shut up. Yes there is a size limitation on what you can carry on, so no you can’t carry on that body bag. Yes, your purse counts as one of your two allowable carry-ons. Now, believe it or not, it does you no good to huddle up at the front of the hold room as you are waiting to board. All you are doing is clogging up the entry and forcing a physical confrontation with the people who board before you. (Editor’s Note: Boss only wants a physical confrontation with you if you are a hottie female. All others, move out of the way.) Yes, they are going to board by zone and, if you ask nicely, some friendly person can likely read your zone to you from your boarding pass so you can figure out what zone you are in. Wait for that zone to be called. Don’t get up until then.

3. Look at your seat number prior to getting on the aircraft. If your seat is in row 34, don’t stop three steps into the aircraft and start squinting at the row numbers. Move quickly to your seat, sit down and shut up. Hey, if your damn carry-on is too heavy for you to lift it into the overhead bin by yourself, check it. (Editor’s Note: I once heard Boss say this to a lady on a plane. He wasn’t kidding.) And guess what – if you board the plane 30 seconds prior to the door closing looking like the Beverly Hillbillies moving west, don’t get pissy when you can’t find overhead bin space. Give your bags to the flight attendant so they can be checked, then (yes, you guessed it) sit down, and shut up. When you get to your row, don’t park your big butt in the aisle and spend a half hour rummaging through your luggage looking for books, games, cough drops, money, a clue, or any other nonsense. Stow your carry ons and sit down.

4. Believe it or not, I am not interested in your life story. (Editor’s Note: He really isn’t.) I really don’t care that the last time you flew the airplane had two sets of wings and the highlight of the trip was “buzzing sheep”. Nor do I care that you are on the way to visit Aunt Millie, a woman who would make Lil Abner look like Charles Boyer. The airplane gets plenty of lift from the airflow over the wings and doesn’t need the help of all your hot air. Let’s take the chance and see if it will fly without your constant inane droning. When I pull out my laptop, that is your clue that I have better things to do. Shut up and go to sleep.

With these few simple concepts in mind, all of our flying experiences can be so much more enjoyable. You will be able to fly with the confidence that you know what you are doing, and I will get to my meeting without working up a sweat caused by my clubbing you like a baby seal.

(Editor’s Note: See why it made me sad to leave him? I got all that, every day.)

Adios, Amoebas! (Or, Tying Up Loose Ends Before I Leave For A Month)

28 Oct 2012 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Guest Post, I'm Such A Girl, Philanthropy Tags: Football, Humor, NaNoWriMo

Well, guys, this will be my final post before leaving for a month. I’m going to miss you. I wonder how many times I’ll want to make fun of myself over the next 30 days when I won’t be able to share here. I’ll try to save them up for my 30 days of blogging in December.

I will check in periodically to post my guest slots and to give you updates on my word count. 50,000 is the goal. To know me is to know my love of words so you know I can reach the count. Let’s just hope they make sense. You know, I signed up for NaNoWriMo two years ago. I wrote 250 words on November 1, 2010 and then got a phone call from a friend. We started talking about boys and that was all she wrote, literally. NaNoWriMo was dead to me.

Oh, I chose a football team! I know you’ve all been waiting to hear that. It took me a while. I had lots of input from you and most especially from Coach, who taught me how to look at stats and how to look up helmets and logos. What really helped me, though, was Martie. She said, “You can’t be a fair weather fan. You pick a team and you support them through the good and the bad. No waffling and changing to the team that plays better.” And then Coach chimed in with the same advice. He’s a long time Alabama fan and a longtime Cowboys fan, rabid even through the lean years. So, okay. I have no choice but to be a Titans fan. Nashville is mine. The Titans are mine. They play like doody most of the time, and even though the lean years will last for ages, I will support them. I was never more proud in all my life than when they beat the Lions and then the Steelers (!). I realized I really want them to do well. So call me a Titan. The end.

Except it isn’t. I also have a secondary team. I just can’t seem to get over the Ram’s horns. Seriously. Those helmets with the horns just slay me, and so those of you who lecture me about perpetuating the stereotype, get over it. I picked a team because of a helmet that turns me on. At least I didn’t pick a team because of a hot guy. For the record, I also read the team’s history and would like to share with you that they were the first NFL team to add a logo to their helmet (swoon) and also the first NFL team to add black teammates after the WWII era. Suck on that, haters! (And also, while I’m being Fickle Fanny over here, I really want to see the Texans win the Super Bowl. The longhorns! Those uniforms! It’s Texas, y’all. I am moved.) (And yes, I realize that the Texans were not even on my nominated list but I hadn’t seen the logo yet. I had no idea . . .)

And just because I can, because you expect it, and because this is me we are talking about:

Hottie Titan

Hottie Ram

Hottie Texan

I haven’t talked about my dinners with my seniors in a while either. I had dinner with them last week and as per usual, had a blast. I love those people so much. I want to tell you about a couple more of them. JoAnne, who has only been two or three times, just embarrasses me to death every time she attends. She’s adorable. She wears a fall (a chunk of hair you attach to your head to make you look like you have more hair) or a funky hat every time and so you look at her and think, “Well, isn’t she cute. Full of spunk, that one.” And then she opens her mouth and proves it and you could just slam your forehead into the butter dish, you are so horrified.

“NO! I don’t want a SALAD! I have GALL BLADDER issues! Take it AWAY!“

“This is the WORST coffee I have ever tasted! I can make better at home! BRING ME more sugar!”

“Those CHILDREN need to be SPANKED! My meal is RUINED!”

I can honestly say that I agree with her in nearly every instance but I prefer to keep my opinions if not to myself, at least confined to the guests at my table. Not JoAnne. Everyone knows where she stands.

The other person I want to tell you about is Bob. Bob has only missed maybe one or two dinners the whole time I’ve been doing this. He’s in his 60s, I guess. He’s never been married. He purchased his house in one lump sum, no payments, ever. He’s terrified of being late and being left behind. He ends every sentence with an “uh?”

“Hey, Jimmie-uh? Do I have enough-uh money-uh for dessert? Uh?” He brings $28 to every dinner and we figure out what he can have for that price and still leave a fair tip. He’s the gentlest soul and I love him. He was the first of the group to realize that I knew how to work a standard cell phone and so asked me to program some numbers in for him. Now we all spend the first ten minutes of every dinner shuffling phones back and forth to me so that I can clear out voice mails and add contacts. Once a month everyone gets squared away.

I probably have so many other things to share but I’m out of space and time. A whole month. What will you do without me?

For those of you who are helping me this month, THANK YOU! Boss, Prom Date Will, Jonquil, Esteban, Woney, and Studio Bukowski – thank you! Boss and Esteban have already sent goodies over and I just hee hawed. I cannot wait to read and post your stuff. Anyone else in? I still have a full grown cat up for grabs.

NaNoWriMo And Other Assorted Nonsense

21 Oct 2012 10 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Family, Friends, Guest Post Tags: Humor, Writing

I got a catalog in the mail yesterday from Heifer International. I’m going to let you marinate on that for a minute before commenting further.

. . . . . . . . elevator muzak . . . . . . . . . .

I choose to believe that someone sent that catalog to me because they admire all the good deeds I do and wanted to help me further my philanthropic spirit rather than believe that someone sent it to me as a subtle hint.

Actually, its pretty cool. You should check it out: Heifer International. Family, do not be surprised if you get a “share of a goat” for Christmas.

Madre was here last weekend to walk a 5K with me. It was the Oktoberfest Bier Run in which loads of people turned out to trot around Germantown for the privilege of drinking free beer at 9:00 a.m. I don’t get it. Neither did Madre. We were pretty stoked about the t-shirt and the free bagels, though, so we took off on the three mile jaunt. Madre’s been hitting the walking pretty hard lately and she looks marvelous but walking with Madre is a bit of a challenge.

See, Madre is 6’2”, and I’d guess about 6’1” of her are legs. She has a long stride which makes it difficult to keep up with her. While I’m pretty tall in my own right, I find myself doing this half jogging/walking/deep step thing to keep her pace which really tugs at my hamstrings. It is an excellent workout but I could really use some of that stretching afterwards, you know, and some oxygen. Yesterday, Madre walked/slightly jogged her second ever 5K and won first place for her age division! I’m super proud of her but you know all those other participants were like, “Who is Leggy McStriderson up there? She stole my trophy! Heifer.” Congrats, Mom! Well done!

Now that I have you guys all sentimental about my family and my philanthropic good deeds, I need to ask a favor of you. See, there is an event that I’ve been planning to do all year and this event will take place during the entire month of November. That means I will have very little time to visit with you here and entertain you with my big sexy hair and my mad skills as a handyperson.

Have you heard of NaNoWriMo? It’s a one month writing frenzy in which you challenge yourself to write 50,000 words. They don’t have to make sense or fit perfectly although it would be nice if they did. They just have to be done. And I’m going to do it. Did you know that 50,000 words is approximately the length of a third of a novel? Some of you know this already, but I write a lot here to practice for other writing things that I really want to do, like a novel for example. (This is the point where all of you rush to comment section to offer support and promise to purchase anything of mine that ever gets published.) I’ve started four novels/books so I very much want to see if I have it in me to do this, to actually finish one.

The thing is, I don’t want my blog to be silent for a whole month. I want there to be some activity here. I’m asking you, my faithful readers, to blog for me. Can I get some of you to guest post? I have a list of items I am willing to trade for your prose.

In return for your post, I am willing to offer any or all of the following: my share of Channing Tatum (his neck is too wide for me); my share of Ryan Gosling (his neck is too long for my tastes); my share of any and all sushi (ugh, gross); my share of all onions (we have covered this); my share of Adam Levine (he looks a bit like a weasel); an eyelash flutter (I have some great new mascara); and/or finally, a full grown cat named Murphy. I will also generously throw in some Big Sexy Hair volumizer to sweeten the deal.

For the record, I already have a guest post from Boss and a promise of one from Prom Date Will. That leaves 28 open spots for the rest of you. So, Freddie, Lorne (Ty), Martie, The Squirt, Woney, Studio Bukowski – any of you up for the challenge? Anyone else? I hear Channing Tatum has some pretty sweet abs.

Then, because I know how much you guys will miss me, in the month of December I’m going to go for NaBloPoMo. It was supposed to be the challenge in November for bloggers but since I like to march to the beat of my own drum, I felt like it could be your reward for letting me have a month off.

I look forward to the influx of comments/volunteers. Holding my breath actually. Don’t make me pass out.

How Quickly I Get Spoiled

16 Oct 2012 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Family, I'm Going Somewhere Tags: Humor, Travel

Sigh. I had to go back to work yesterday after being off for an entire week. Again, happy to have a job but am slightly resentful that I am not a self-made millionaire right now. I think I could be a lady of leisure, don’t you? I’d spend my mornings at the gym, doing all kinds of crunches and butterfly moves so that I could have abs of steel and then I would go get massages. I’d be the most relaxed, fit person you ever met.

You know, that’s probably not true. I’d be as big as a house and lazy as a cow cause I feel certain I’d be able to justify lounging around in sweats while I ate bon bons all day as a “noble endeavor”. Good thing I have a job I need desperately to pay all my bills so that I don’t get fat and lumpy.

This trip was to South Beach, in Miami. I yapped about it a lot to anyone who would listen before going and the reactions I got fell into one of two categories:

“I’m so jealous, you guys will have so much fun!” and,
“Don’t get killed. I can’t believe you picked that place.”

Don’t rain on my parade, people. (It’s possible I’m speaking directly to snooty snothole Bianca here. She’s so lovely.)

So, yeah. It was fun. My two sisters and I went, for my 40^th birthday. Martie, The Squirt and I have never taken a trip together, just the three of us and I’m proud to say that I like them better after returning. That doesn’t always happen you know. Sometimes you realize that the ones you love have awful snoring habits or they really are high maintenance about a bathroom, so much so that you spend half a day trying to find one that meets some obscure and ridiculous standard. Not the case here! We had a blast!

I’m going to cover the basics of our trip here. Items of note:

Martie and The Squirt are the fortunate sisters with regards to complexion. Both of them can get as brown as a berry in short span of time and I, well I burned myself in nearly every available place on my body. Some of those places were rather unfortunate which made sitting on the plane home big fun! Also, the red and pink and freckled streaks across my body look beautiful.

Three women tooling around in a Mustang convertible, (color: red), hair blowing in the wind, get a lot of attention. Especially when The Squirt drives. She has a lead foot, that one. We got a lot of blown kisses and from braver drivers, other more vulgar displays of admiration.

Tasty beverages do not make getting your fingers slammed in a car door hurt any less.

The Speedo is making a comeback. Either that or loads of European men frequented South Beach. I found myself not nearly as offended as I thought I might be, probably because these men wore them with extreme confidence. However, nary a single one of those men checked the elastic bands in their Speedos before donning them. Men over 70, please note that gravity has already worked its magic on you. Elastic can help.

Seriously, this was such a fantastic trip. My sissies . . . ah, they are so great. I just can’t get over how much I love them and how much they love me. Combine that with gorgeous sand and sea? I’ve said this once before but it bears repeating. I love the ocean. I cannot get enough of it, especially with views like this. How can you not love it? How can you not see God’s hand in that, in all that love and beauty? Happy sigh.