Humor | Love, Jimmie

Christmas Eve

24 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by Love, Jimmie in Family Tags: Christmas, Humor

In Martie’s thirty-eight years, we have spent two Christmas Eves away from each other. Only two. The first time was the year that I lived in Colorado. I was working two jobs and lived a million miles away and there was neither money nor time for plane tickets or family visits. I had a lot of friends to spend the holiday with but it just wasn’t the same. I know Martie didn’t like it. She was quite vocal about it.

The next time we spent Christmas Eve apart was the first year that Coach and Martie were dating. Coach’s family does their big Christmas shebang on Christmas Eve and as his official girlfriend, Martie was invited. While they were at the family event, the weather took a turn for the worse and Martie had to spend the night at his parents’ house. There was no driving home. Martie called to tell us, frantic. She wanted to be with her family and sleep in our room, staying up all night talking about boys and family and what we wanted to be when we grew up and wondering if Coach was ever going to propose.

Poor Coach. He had no idea what he was getting into with her or this family. Early the next morning, as the sun was just peeking out of the clouds, he and Martie rolled up in his giant man-truck. The roads were slippery and icy yet he braved the weather to get her home. She sprinted from the car, slid her way all the way up the driveway and rushed into the house, hair askew and clothes wrinkled from sleeping in them. She was slightly wild-eyed and shaky. Coach’s eyebrows were all up in his hairline. He said, “I thought we were going to have to call the Rescue Squad to get her here in the middle of the night, she was so upset. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

He learned the rules fairly quickly after that. Martie and I spend Christmas Eve together. We take literally three to four hours to unwrap every gift on Christmas Day. We leave everything spread out across the entire living room so we can play with it all day. We don’t cook a big meal. Instead, we make finger foods and snack until we go to bed. If we get out of pajamas it’s only because guests are coming over but sometimes not even then. And we always go shopping the day after Christmas.

I guess Coach is accepting. He married this family after all even after learning all of our traditions and idiosyncrasies.

What are your family traditions?

Men, A Gift Giving Guide

23 Dec 2012 5 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Health, I'm Such A Girl, Imparting Wisdom, Uncategorized Tags: Humor

Alright, boys, I’m here to help. I know that most of you have yet to begin your Christmas shopping. I’m guessing Wal-Greens is your first stop. Actually, I’m guessing Wal-Greens is your only stop. While I personally feel like you should have already scoped out the perfect gift for your girl and ordered it online from Tiffany (or Godiva), I understand that perhaps you operate best under pressure and since you have a full 30 hours left of the holiday shopping season, you feel calm and serene. Amirite?

A few years ago when I was a married woman, I had a husband who felt like useful gifts were a fantastic idea. I’m here to tell you that they are not. He purchased for me one year a Dust Buster. You know, one of those instruments to CLEAN with. As a Christmas gift. For ME to CLEAN with. I did manage to smile and say thank you. He had purchased it before Christmas and wrapped it himself, so A for effort. But my Dust Buster broke in the first year of ownership and do you know he got me another one the next year for Christmas? That was a pleasant experience for him and me both.

Men, I care for you. I want what is best for you. I hate to see you spend long, lonely, cold nights in your dog house. Because I care for you and don’t want you to spend long, lonely, cold nights in your dog house, I have compiled a short checklist for you to help with your holiday giving this year.

Small boxes are best. Blue ones (like Tiffany blue, for example) or gold (like Godiva gold, for example) are particularly appealing. Also, gift card boxes are extremely welcome as are small notes inside of big boxes that read: Merry Christmas, baby. Let’s go shopping.
If your gift plugs in and she has not specifically asked for it, take it back. Immediately.
Cookware is not a good gift. Nor are cleaning items of any sort. Anything that we can use to better serve YOU? No.
If you value your life at all, or most importantly your nether regions, do not even consider, nay don’t even breathe in the direction of exercise equipment or diet books. Purchasing gifts of this nature will cause women everywhere to react in the same manner, as if you threw us nekkid out of the car onto 2^nd Avenue.

Following these simple rules will allow everyone to have a safe and happy holiday season. It will also allow you to sleep in your own bed on Christmas night. Isn’t that a nice thought?

Love,

Jimmie

So Back To Glitzen

22 Dec 2012 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Aack! Tags: Humor

Sigh. People just don’t appreciate the sparkle anymore.

That isn’t entirely true. The postman did say the first time he saw Glitzen, “Nice rack.” That’s something.

Random Acts Of Kindness, A Favor

20 Dec 2012 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in I'm Such A Girl Tags: Humor, RAK

I know I said I was a Grinch this year and in some ways, I am. In others my heart is just a big old pile of marshmallow goo and my eyes are misty with unshed tears of thankfulness.

In the last two weeks, three people have done really nice things for me. None of them were expected, all of them were welcome, and I did nothing to deserve any of them. These acts of kindness, to me, show the measure of their hearts. Want to know what they were?

A kind person donated enough Southwest points to pay for one leg of a plane trip for me. I was invited to visit some friends and I very much wanted to go, but I could not afford airfare and the bus ride was 17 hours. I was disappointed but perfectly alright with missing this trip (I am a grownup who understands the power of a budget, after all). I had mentioned the trip in passing to a friend who had another friend who had a vat of SW points just sitting around. So the miles were donated and my ticket was booked. Oh, I ruined my mascara that day.
Another kind person took me out for a pedicure, their treat. It’s been a while since I had my piggies done but recently I broke a nail in a bad place. I was handling the care of that myself with good results but when a friend asked if I would visit the nail shop with her, I said yes. (She wanted to go, in part, because she heard rumors of how ticklish I am and how it appears that I am having a seizure when they scrub the bottoms of my feet.) I moved some money around and we made our appointments. When I went to pay, my pedi was already covered. Oh, I ruined my mascara that day.
A final kind person sent me a grocery store gift card, and mandated that it was for things I wanted, not needed. I have a new method for grocery shopping now. I make a list of things I need and also a list of things I want. If there is money left over after the list of needed things are in the cart, I can add some of the things I want. I feel like this is an excellent plan and very budget friendly so I shared it with a friend who in turn sent me the cutest Christmas card with a gift card in it. Oh, I ruined my mascara that day.

See? Do you see why I invest in mascara? I cannot tell you how many happy tears and sniffles and hugs I’ve experienced these last few weeks. While I can say thank you and give the best hugs ever, I really feel like the best way to show my appreciation is to pay it forward. I’m on the lookout for things I can do for those around me but I won’t share them here. Those things are best done in secret.

So what is it I want from you? I’d like a favor, please. Will you share some random acts of kindness with me? What I’d really like is a story of something lovely that someone did for you once, not something you did for someone. I’ll also take stories of things you witnessed done to others. Tell me how you have been affected by an unexpected kindness. Don’t you think we could use some of those warm fuzzies about now?

Comment here, on Facebook, in an email or even a phone call. I’ll post the ones you allow me to post so we can all partake. What do you think?

I Nearly Forgot!

18 Dec 2012 6 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in I'm Such A Girl Tags: Christmas, Humor

Way back in April when I found myself in a state of unemployment, I began the laborious process of cleaning out my office space. I am a firm believer in moving right into a work environment and what I don’t store at work, I like to schlep back and forth on my person or in my car. I have, at minimum, a purse, a lunch bag, a computer bag and a makeup bag with me every day. You never know when you might need any of those things. And in my car I have a bag of clean Ziploc food containers, a Bible, a book, a sweatshirt, an umbrella and some tote bags. Those are my everyday items.

Currently my non-everyday car items include: a wooden canvas frame, a stereo which is the last remaining gift my ex-husband gave me (we divorced in 2004), school books from when I volunteered at the Adult Literacy Council (have not done that in two years), a bag of towels, a ceramic sheep, shoe cleaner, Tigger’s car seat and some twine. (I don’t know either.) (I don’t have the toilet handle in my car anymore because we used that. And my potty still works!)

Also, and this is where this gets important, my car still contains every item I had stored at my last job. The day that I was delivered the news that they could not keep me (and their loss, btw) was the day I started packing. What a process that was. If my car items are any indication, you can only imagine what I stored in my office. Unfortunately, there was much crying and wailing with cloudy tear-filled eyes as I packed my car so most of that stuff was unceremoniously flung into the trunk with a few curse words but no planning. I haven’t given it much thought since then, mostly because I don’t want to. I don’t like reliving that.

Every now and again I’ll have a vague notion of something I am missing. I’ll remember having a really nice tape measure or the cutest picture of Pooh, and then I’ll remember that I had it at my former office which will cause me to lose any interest in finding it because I will remember what my trunk looks like.

However, Christmas. It rolled around like it seems to do every year. I am decidedly not in the Christmas spirit this year. I do not have a tree decorated. I do not have snowflakes hung. I do not have my Christmas baking items out. I do have some snowmen salt and pepper shakers on the table, though, because they were in a closet and I ran across them one day. Until Sunday, I had baked no cookies or treats and I only did it on Sunday because I had to for a party. I am a Grinch.

Two weeks ago I thought I would bite the bullet and dig in the trunk of my car for something. I have no idea what because as I was digging for it I caught a glimpse of pink glitter.

Oh! Oh I was so excited! Glitzen! I dug him out and he is now standing proudly at my desk, bringing Christmas cheer.

Like last year, my new co-workers are appalled. My new boss, who needs a name, was discussing Very Important Work Items with me and as we were conversing she kept flicking her eyes from me to my reindeer. It don’t know how she didn’t give herself vertigo, it was so fast and furious. Finally she whispered, “What is it?”

I tied a jaunty bow around his neck this year. His horns are a little worse for wear, being smushed under all that stuff I threw into my trunk in my hissy fit rage. But he is here, warming hearts and bringing some much needed color. If I am going to be a Grinch, I will at least do it in style.

Merry Christmas, y’all!

Not Quite Dammit Todd

17 Dec 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Outings Tags: Humor

Last night was my church small group Christmas party. In class yesterday morning we talked first about what each person should bring to the potluck later in the evening and then about the lesson. One guy in particular, Jacob, was pretty excited about all the food we would be having and at every pause in the lesson he would sigh, “ham” or “mashed potatoes” or “green beans”. Once during the Creation story when it was mentioned that Eve was formed from Adam’s rib he moaned “ribs”.

This was a boy with an appetite.

I don’t know if you know this about me but I like it when men eat. I don’t want some guy to have a namby pamby appetite. I want him to pile his plate up and really enjoy his food, and I want to watch him do it. It’s why I like Dammit Todd so much. I was fully prepared to stare in admiration at Jacob throughout the dinner as he tucked into it. To my delight he piled his plate up good, getting some of everything. He sat down and sniffed his food, waiting for everyone else to get seated. He put his napkin in his lap after the prayer and grabbed his fork. And halfway through his plate he said, “My eyes were bigger than my stomach. I’m full,” and he pushed his plate away. I was crestfallen. What a disappointment. Almost ruined the party for me. But I got a pretty angel ornament and so the evening was saved.

Speaking of Dammit Todd, I’d like to announce that we are now to refer to him as Dammit Todd, P.E. The P.E. (Professional Engineer) is a test that engineers must pass in order to get specific raises and job titles and respect, etc. Dammit Todd is now a member of the elite. Congrats, man!

Also, speaking of Miguel (work with me here), I’d like to announce that we are now to refer to him as Miguel, E.I.T. This is another such similar test and Miguel is now a member of that elite. Congrats, man!

I have such smart friends.

Guest Post: Freddie – Breaking The Law

14 Dec 2012 4 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Guest Post Tags: Humor

So, did you know that it was against the law to drive with a headlight burned out?? Me neither! I mean, what would the world be without the random game of padiddle on the road?? Apparently, the Hendersonville police department is especially keen on ticketing folks with only one headlight. I’ll start at the beginning, because this is good.

Jimmie, Roxanne and I decided that we would have a movie date the night that Magic Mike came out on video, so we waited…and waited…and waited…and finally it came out, but due to our very busy social calendars (Editor’s Note: We are very busy and important.), it took us about a month to finally set a date that would work for all three of us. It happened to be a Saturday night after Jimmie and I got together with Felix, Ian and Rickster for Mexican. We decided that Jimmie should drive since I’d had a margarita (or two), so I left my car at the Mexican joint and hopped in the Hyundai with Jimmie.

Here we are, two fabulous women (Editor’s Note: hear, hear!) rolling down Gallatin Pike and having ourselves a good old time chatting away and catching up, when Jimmie stops right in the middle of a story and says, “Oh, shoot!” You can imagine my concern when she tells me she’s worried that she’s going to get pulled over. I knew she hadn’t been drinking, but then started to worry that maybe she’d taken up some sort of illegal recreational activity that I didn’t know about and had the goods stashed in the trunk. Now, imagine my relief when she tells me that she has a headlight out. I mean, people don’t get arrested for that!

Suddenly, I see flashing lights! They’re on to us! The officer strolled up to the window and shined her incredibly bright flashlight in Jimmie’s face and says, “You know you have a headlight out?” Jimmie told her that she was just noticing that as we were driving down the road and it looked a little dark off to the right. The lovely lady police officer took Jimmie’s license and registration back to the car and wrote up a nice little warning. That’s right…only a warning. This, right here, is where the big boobs and eyelashes come in handy, guys! Oh, wait…it was a female officer…hmmm…..Anyway, as she was handing over the warning, she explained that if we got stopped again, we could simply show the warning to the officer and let them know that we had already been stopped and they would let us off the hook. File that away…

And we’re on our way again. We finally made it to Roxanne’s house and watched this movie that would have been amazing if they hadn’t messed with a plot. Whose idea was that anyway?? I mean, who takes that much hotness and adds a lame ass story line. Who cares about a story line?? I mean, why am I listening to these people talk when I could be watching Channing Tatum do the sexiest worm I’ve ever seen? Or Matthew McConaughey…oh, don’t even get me started on that man… Yummy!

The movie ended, we wiped the drool from our faces and headed back to the restaurant to pick up my car. Hold your breath!

Drive, drive, drive, flashing lights, drive, crap! Stopped again! Jimmie obediently pulled into the next entry while pulling the warning out of the filing location. There was no batting of the eyelashes, smiling or flashing of the cleavage on this one, folks. Not a word was spoken; just the flashing of the warning, and the officer smiled and acknowledged that we’d been through this once already that night, and was on his way.

Twice…twice in one night…the officers in Hendersonville must have been having a good old time playing padiddle that night, because twice in one night?? Really?? I learned so much that night about replacing your headlight when you find that it’s out. Padiddle is not just a game that school girls play. It’s also breaking the law…but the abs were so…worth…it….

And please tell me that you fixed your headlight! (Editor’s Note: Of course I did! I fluttered my eyelashes at the boys at Auto Zone and viola! Headlight fixed. I’m so rad.)

And That Is Why Bubba And I Broke Up

11 Dec 2012 1 Comment

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Outings Tags: Humor, Relationships

It was 1990 and I was a senior in high school. I had kissed a few boys but had only had one boyfriend of note. His name was Chris and he was cute but we fell apart pretty quickly when I learned that he cut the tags out of my bras so that he could show his friends what size bra I wore. Remember I was breastacularly blessed in those days. I really felt like he liked me for me and not what I brought to the party, so to speak. I thought he was one of the few guys whose eyes made contact with mine and not my chest. Apparently I was mistaken, but honestly I wasn’t crushed. I was only 16 after all.

Then when I was 17 I took a field trip with my classmates. On the bus one of my good boy friends, Billy, and I talked about prom. I know this will be hard for you to believe, but I was super shy in high school. I didn’t talk much outside of my circle and especially not to boys. I would have DIED if I had to start a conversation with one so the boys who were close to me were pretty rare. Anyway, Billy and I talked about prom and decided we’d like to go together. See, he was really tall and I had a super cute car. I could wear heels without feeling like the dork that was taller than her date and he got the chance to drive my car, which he loved. I was pretty excited about this plan.

About two weeks after I made this date, another boy started showing interest in me. His name, and I am not even kidding, was Bubba. Bubba looked me in the eye and asked me out for real dates and before long, I was wearing his class ring. I’d spend an hour or so every Sunday night melting wax from a candle and molding it to fit in the back of that ring so that it would fit me. Then I’d stare at it for hours. I loved wearing that ring. And Bubba was nice too.

When prom time rolled around, Bubba started making some noise about what we would wear. I had already designed my dress – it was a black mullet dress with a white and black polka dot liner. I was so proud of it. Here’s the problem, though. Billy had already picked out his tux to match my dress. We still were planning to go to prom together. It never occurred to me to take Bubba until he mentioned it. I wanted to go with Billy. It was a difficult conversation but Bubba said he understood.

Billy and I had a fantastic time at the prom. And then we had a fantastic time at the after party. Bubba attended the party as well, and while I liked showing off the ring to all my friends, I never seemed to make the leap into actually showing off my boyfriend. Late into the night, Billy got . . . . sick to his stomach. Yes, sick to his stomach. I’m pretty sure it was some . . . . bad crab dip, yes of course, because I know there was no alcohol at that party (Hi, Daddy-O!). Since we took my car to the prom, I drove him home leaving Bubba behind with all my friends.

Not long after that Bubba and I parted ways. It might have been the next day. I cannot recall. What remains of our relationship is a prom picture in which I am wearing his ring and some graffiti under a bridge that reads “Bubba loves Jimmie”. I’d take a picture of it but there are probably snakes under that bridge and while I loved that ring, I’m just not that committed.

In case you hadn’t guessed, Billy grew up into Prom Date Will. I’m so sad that you can’t see Bubba’s ring in the picture. Still, when Prom Date Will and I get together again, we are totally going to recreate this photo with a modern day awkward pose. I figure we are good for it in 20 years which is exactly how often we see each other. I wonder if Bubba would let me borrow his ring.

This was my date.

And this was my car.

Stuff Murphy Peed On, A Limerick With Pictures

10 Dec 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Pets Tags: Humor

There once was a kitty named Murphy

Who felt that his life was quite worthy

He peed on some stuff

Then found it quite rough

When Jimmie kicked him out in a hurry.

Damn cat.

Sigh. Go Titans . . . .

09 Dec 2012 2 Comments

by Love, Jimmie in Friends, Outings Tags: Football, Humor

I’m so happy I picked the Titans for my team. Yeah, that was a good call.

About a week after I made my big announcement here in which I was giddy with excitement over having a team to call my own, my friend Billie asked if I wanted to go to a Titans’ game. She had tickets and parking passes and a bottle of wine for tailgating. Being a rabid fan and all, I said yes.

That was the weekend we played the Bears. Did any of you see that game? What an embarrassment that was. It was just pure humiliation. I’m pretty sure that every time the Bears trotted out their defense, we gave them the ball and they scored. Our first two points of the game were awarded because of a mistake made BY THE OTHER TEAM. I’ll say this, the Titans have pretty colors. That’s something. I picked something pretty, right?

Billie and I spent the entire game sitting four rows back from the end zone and in a sea of Bears fans. There were four people to the right of us wearing Titan’s colors and literally ever other person around us wore orange and navy and had a beer in hand. The whole stadium was like that. Those are some dedicated fans right there.

Over and over again, every time the Titans did something stupid, Billie and I would slump lower in our seats. When we initially arrived we were proud of our sweatshirts and jerseys but by the 90^th Bears’ touchdown, we were practically sitting on the concrete floor under our seats and couldn’t find enough material to cover anything we had on identifying us as a Titan. And also after the 90^th touchdown, Billie and I just started telling everyone around us, “It’s our Southern hospitality. We let you win. Plus, we brought the cheerleaders. You’re welcome.” And the Bears seemed truly grateful for that.

So about the Bears’ fans . . . . will anyone shoot me if I say they were nice? They really were. Some of the nicest people I’ve ever met sat next to us. The men who were so complimentary of our cheerleaders were also complimentary of Billie and me. They liked our hair and our voices and our niceness. I asked a few of them where the Chicago hot guys were, you know, the ones they were supposed to bring in trade for our cheerleaders. Their response: “We are from Chicago. We look like sausages. We eat well.” Noted.

And proven. Those same guys invited Billie and me to their after game celebration tailgate party. A group of them rented an RV, loaded it up with food and booze and drove down here for the weekend and so they had parties every night. One of the guys owns a chain of restaurants in Chicago and brought one of his giant logs of gyro meat and the thingamabob you cook it on. They had sausages of every sort. They had chips and pretzels and caramel corn and beer and liquor and some more beer and sausages. Their one nod to good health was the tub of raw onions they had for the sandwiches and the lone tomato they picked up somewhere along the way.

The group of them invented a sandwich for this road trip, called the Road Trip 2012 Man Sandwich Gyro Griller or some such nonsense. I called it a Heart Attack on a Bun. The sandwich started with a buttered grilled hoagie bun which was topped with at least one grilled sausage split in half lengthwise. Into the sausage was layered an extraordinary amount of shaved gyro meat. It was then topped with raw onion, a tomato, and more tzatziki sauce than can be good for you. Good luck trying to eat that. I did try it, minus the onion naturally, and after a few bites felt a little tight in my chest so I tossed the rest. Oof.

Those guys were a lot of fun. They were perfect gentlemen, too, which was a nice change. Not every man who plies you with tasty beverages and food and then cleans up after you, actually washing dishes and taking out the trash, has noble intentions. At least not in my experience. We made no promises to keep in touch but after reading the news the following week, I sort of wish we had. I think those guys would be inordinately proud to know that not only did the Chicago fans drink the stadium dry that day, they also wiped out nearly every bar downtown of beer. Unheard of.

Chicago Bears – beer drinkers, sausage cookers, football players. What an experience. By the way, I’m still a loyal fan of my team. I just wish I’d get the chance to attend a game in which I don’t leave in utter humiliation. Sigh.

Love, Jimmie